Feeling Terrible

I feel terrible about last night. I managed 3 nights on my own before doing something that required me to go to the hospital. 3 nights. That is pretty piss poor.

I had 2 cuts. Both really deep. But they could only stitch one of them. The other wouldn't numb properly and it was unbearable. So I have a whole in my leg. I was warned it wouldn't heal properly and she wasn't happy leaving it. But the way I see it, I'm not going to win any beauty contests any time so it doesn't really bother me. She was worried about infection.

I've been put on anti-biotics as of the razor in my leg also. It's really painful. I can't leave the house though to go buy painkillers as I am waiting in for a delivery.

I was asked if I wanted to see anyone and I said no. I was asked if I had had suicidal thoughts and I said no. The last thing I want at the moment is to be in hospital. I don't want to be stopped from carrying out my plans in a few weeks.

Last night raises a question in my head though. Why go to the hospital last night? I am so scarred that closing a wound doesn't matter as it doesn't make any difference if I have next to no scar as of a neat closure. It doesn't really matter if I get an infection. I swallow stuff and don't go to the hospital. Why's that?

Maybe my psychologist can give me answers on Thursday when I see him. I am seeing my TSW later and I feel I want to talk about it with someone, but I don't know if she is the right person.

I am so screwed up.