Making Plans

I’m making plans. But, for the first time in a long time they are kind of positive plans and they are plans I feel excited about.

It’s all to do with university and what they say. I have a feeling that they are going to make me defer for another year or even say it’s not the right time in my life for me to be undertaking such a demanding course. Well I’ve come up with plans if they say either of these.

If they say I have to defer I am going to take about 3 months to go travelling again. I plan to go to India and China. The way I look at it is I will be getting about £160 a week in benefits. This is more than enough to get by on in Asia. I’ll save money before I go but the income I will get will be more than enough to keep me going. I am not sure if it is against the benefit law though so I will have to look in to it more. But people I have spoken to here about it have said travelling is something I love so much that it is a therapeutic activity. It will give me a focus when I come out of hospital and keep me on track and not back tracking on the progress I make and will make sure I carry on engaging so that I don’t relapse. What does worry me is the mood side of it and if I go on a low while I am away. I don’t mind so much the highs, but, it seems as though the Sodium Valporate has evened out my moods a lot more so I shouldn’t have to worry too much. I can pin point at the moment what sends me in to a low and that is being in hospital. It makes things worse for me and so I get reactive low moods because of it. The SV seems to have stopped the change in moods for no reason so as long as I have that I shouldn’t have to worry too much.

I am worried about going on my own. I have been to India twice but both times they were with Gom and I felt safer with him. It’s the kind of place where you can get a lot of hassle. The first time I went it was to the north and you couldn’t walk around anywhere without people stopping you. Also, because I had blonde hair people would just throw their kids at me and get all snap happy. I am not sure if it’s the type of place I would feel safer going with a bloke. But, if I think like that I may never get to go. I’ve never been to China but it is somewhere I want to go and I have wanted to see the Great Wall for a long time. So I think I would have to just be brave and do it.

Another worry I have about going to these places are it’s not like SE Asia where you have a big backpacking scene. A big backpacking scene means there are lots of people also on their own and so you meet up with other people and it’s not lonely. I am worried I would struggle to do that in these places.

My other big plan is if uni say it’s not the right time for me to be doing the course at all. Then what I am going to do is get my TEFAL qualification which would mean I can teach English as a foreign language and I am going to bugger off for a couple of years to SE Asia. My Mum said it takes about 4-5 months to get the qualification and if I am not working it is free. It was actually my parents who suggested getting the qualification as I would have just gone and tried to get a job. Having the qualification would mean I can get a better job with better pay and in better conditions.

I can’t believe I never thought of these before. I love travel so much and now it feels that the bottom of my world won’t fall out should uni turn round and say no. Seriously, before I was on such a downer about it, worrying so much about what I would do and even had really dark thoughts about it because it was all I could think I wanted to do. But now, I feel really excited at the prospect of going travelling again. So much so, there is part of me which hopes uni will turn round and say “not this year”. Not sure when I would go, probably April to July time. I was thinking January time but I looked up the temperatures in Beijing and it’s seriously cold, like -6c average. Far too cold for me and with going from one climate to another it would make packing a logistical nightmare.

I am hoping that these new plans of mine will look favourably on me. Things aren’t going well for me here at the moment. The doctor said she wants to make the referral to a low secure unit which would mean me being in hospital a hell of a lot longer. It scares the hell out of me. She said there is still time for things to change. And, now that I have these new plans the self-harm and destructive urges won’t over take everything I do. Or, I will be able to do something about it before I get to that stage. The self-harm is something that is not going to be fixed. It will not go away. I am always going to be a person who self-harms. I may not do it for years but I will always be a person who self-harms. I am always going to be reminded of it also. Every time I look at my legs I will see the scars and I will know what they are from.

I don’t know what they will make of my new plans. They may not look on them favourably at all. But, saying that, the staff I have told so far are really supportive of it and said it’s good I am looking to the future and making alternative plans. I hope that the rest of the medical team sees it like that and not as though I am running away or am being unrealistic. I just hope no one does anything to stop me going ahead with these plans should uni fall through. They are positive and so far I have had a lot of support with them and people thinking it’s a really good idea.

Life at the Crazy Inn is still pretty much the same, except the other female patient on the ward smashed up the TV so now there is no TV in the female area and I feel really uncomfortable watching TV with the blokes. It was a really selfish act and I am so pissed off about it. I hope they will replace it soon but I am doubtful considering I had to buy my own TV remote as the ward would not replace the ward one when that went missing. I miss the tv :'(

I Did A Runner.

I did a runner. Didn’t go far and I wasn’t away for long. I self-harmed by cutting and had to go to the hospital. It was after getting stitched up that I made my run for it. The person I was with was faster than me but I was stronger so when she grabbed on to me I was able to get her off me. I feel quite bad about it all now as I nearly got hit by a bus and she was next to me. It wasn’t my intention to put someone else in danger. I did get away from her though. I think she was told to stop following me as she was on the phone to the ward. I don’t know what I was thinking as I only had £8 on me so it wasn’t as though I would have got anywhere. I went in to the uni next to the hospital and self-harmed again quite badly. And then I didn’t know what to do. So I phoned the ward. He told me I needed to go back to the ED and then while I was walking back the police picked me up. He had reported me as a missing person and there were 2 police cars out looking for me. They stopped asked me my name and told me I needed to go back to the ED. I said I would walk back there, one of them gave me a light and they walked back with me. 3 females walked back with me and the 2 cars followed.

Now it’s not good here. I have someone near enough sitting on top of me all the time and if I turn my back to them they move to the other side of my bed so they can see me. They won’t let me put my arms under the covers, which I have to ignore as I get cold and they said they need to see my face at all times. I’ve not had them wake me up to tell me to move the covers so I think they must relax it a little while I am asleep. I can understand where they are coming from being as though it was in bed I self-harmed, under the covers and I secreted the blades in my mouth before cutting with them and then swallowing them. But, I don’t have any blades left now. And, even if I did I wouldn’t have the opportunity to self-harm with them as they are so on top of me.

One of the care workers has now got a right attitude with me. She is being so off with me. It wasn’t even her I ran off from. She is probably pissed off as it was her on my obs when I cut and that she didn’t notice. But, there is no need for her to have such an attitude with me. She is short and curt and it’s little things like she won’t let me light my own cigarette like she did before. It’s like she wants to hold any power she can over me. She made me cry last night with how short she was being, I didn’t let her see though.

I’m not one for crying in public and letting people see me cry. I had to stop myself today from starting when I mentioned to another care worker how much I wanted to be at home and how I had had enough in this place. I just can’t see me ever getting out of here. I know what I did will probably put me even further back and they may even consider low secure again now I have done what I did. That will put an end back to going to uni. I am worried about getting out of here but I can’t put too much focus on that. I have got used to being in hospital and so I am worried about being out. In hospital some of the responsibility is taken away from me. Only last week I was on 10minute checks most of the day and now I watched like a hawk. I know they are only trying to keep me safe and they have a duty of care to make sure I don’t self-harm again.

I’ve not seen the psychologist in nearly 4 weeks now. I suppose it’s that long since I talked to anyone properly about how I have been feeling about everything. Maybe that is why I am having the thoughts and feelings that I am having at the moment. I don’t know if at the moment I could even be open with him about things. I feel so unsettled all the time and sleep is just not happening for me. It’s awful. I need sleep but I keep waking up in the night so frequently and them am awake for ages. I am also having loads of problems weeing. I need to go but just can’t. I asked to see someone about it on Tuesday as had been having problems since the weekend and all I was told was that I had seen the doctor Monday (when she came into my room, woke me up and talked at me. I wasn’t in any fit state to make any sense of what was going on, all I remember was she told me I wouldn’t lose my leave) and then on Tuesday after I found out she had cancelled my leave and I quickly went in to ask why while my Mum was waiting and to have a bit of a go at her as she said she wouldn’t do exactly what she did. So it really pissed me off as obviously there is only so many times they can see you or an allocated number of minutes they can spend with each patient each week. I do underatnd they can’t see you every day but when it is something like that that is really bothering me and to be told I have to wait until ward round on Friday, 3 days away pissed me off even more. If I was at home I would be booking a same day appointment to see my GP.

It’s probably just the codeine I had been taking for my back, but it would have been nice to see someone for a couple of minutes so they could either agree or disagree with me.

I know I have made things worse for myself. But, in a way I don’t regret it. If I’d had more money on me I would have probably got a taxi to Tesco brought a load a painkillers and a couple of bottles of wine and just done that, but with £8 I wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s bed time for me now anyway. I am exhausted and even if I don’t sleep at least I will be comfortable and warm listening to decent music.

Night all.
Xxx

Running Away

I'm gonna try and make a run for it later. I've got a plan. I can't stand it in here. They lie to me and don't help when I need it. I'm going to cut enough so that I need to go to hospital and tell them I swallowed the blade. Then I'm going to run. Not sure where I'm going or if it will work and with only 8quid in my purse I won't get far. But even if it's just one night and a bottle of wine it will be worth it. I need to get away for a bit!

Update-it's been a while

I’ve not blogged in nearly a month. I haven’t really felt like it really. I suppose I am only doing so now because I feel I ought to because it has been so long.

So since last time Uni have been back in contact. They have said while I am in hospital they won’t be making any decisions as they can’t assess my fitness to practice on the course while I am in hospital. Fair enough really. But, this is not good enough for the doctor. After a few emails back and forth between a nurse here and uni I have given up and told the doctor if she wants more info etc. then she should do it herself. So she is doing that. She is on annual leave for a couple of weeks so I don’t know what will be said.

The complaint about Fingers has also been resolved. While they have basically said it’s my word against his on a number of the items a few of the complaints about how the unit is run and about his attitude and demeanour have been noted and I have been told that the way the unit is ran will be changed, staff are going to be mixed around with other wards and all staff will have to be retrained. They are also making sure that only named nurses can change care plans and that rationale for changing care plans must be given. They also said he was out of order taking the blanket from me as I was in a room with faulty heating and that should have been taken in to account.

On to me. On the last post I was talking about feeling really fragile. Well, I still feel the same. I did self-harm. Today. I ended up cutting. I’ve not told anyone as I don’t want to be put back. Last week they took me off high obs which I had been on for 3 months. Also, I have a decent amount of leave and everyone thinks I am doing really well and am on a home run. I’m not, but I am going to let them think that. The cuts need attention, probably suturing/stitching at the least dressing and streri-strips but I can’t say anything. I will just have to make sure I keep them clean, and don’t let anyone see.

I’ve sunk back in to a low mood and my sleeping pattern sucks. For some reason they thought it was a good idea to reduce the Zopiclone from 7.5 to 3.75mg. And, I’ve really noticed it. I can’t get to sleep at night and then I wake up every hour or so. The next day I can’t get out of bed as I have had such little sleep that I stay in bed all day sleeping on and off until about 4pm. They have also reduced the Quetiapine which I have asked them to do as I want to come off it. I am on a stupid amount of drugs and I hate it. I don’t want to be on any at all but I think the Sodium Valporate has worked so I don’t mind as much sticking with that. But with this PCOS it means I am still on 3 different types of pill which has to be taken 3 times a day. I don’t think the reduction of the Quetiapine would cause low mood, but it’s awful. I don’t want to talk to anyone and people try and make conversation with me and I just wanna say “piss off and leave me alone”. I snapped at someone this morning who was trying to tell me I could go out if I wanted for a walk and I just snapped at him telling him I didn’t want to. Felt quite sorry for him really. I wish I understood why I get low moods/depressions from nowhere.

Maybe it’s because I am fed up of being in hospital. But then on the other hand I am terrified of going home. Looks as though my Mum is moving back in with my Dad and so I will be going back to live with the both of them. I really don’t want to. I don’t like the house. It sounds stupid but it has a bad feeling for me and I have never really felt at home there. I need a fresh start. If I wasn’t planning on going back to uni then I would be able to get my own little modern flat somewhere but I can’t at the moment as of being able to get through this final year. I keep telling myself it’s only for a year so just deal with it, but it's filling me with dread!

Returning Thoughts

I have started to have quite intrusive thoughts again. I think it’s because I can sense I am losing control and there is nothing I can do regain control. The thing with uni is really bothering me. I still haven’t heard and I am feeling quite pessimistic about it. I don’t think they are going to let me go back. There is nothing else I want to do and cannot envisage being anything other than a Social Worker. All my progress that I have made has been with going back to uni in mind. I have put everything in to going back to uni. And, there is a deep feeling within me that if I am not allowed to then I will be making plans to end it all. The thoughts are already there which has been really disturbing and the need to self-harm has increased loads. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it as I feel I will have things taken away from me like the privileges I have. At the moment I have a decent amount of leave and can leave the ward, albeit escorted, when I want. I worry if I tell them how I really feel that these privileges will be taken away from me and then I will be forced to stay on the ward. Everyone thinks I am doing so well at the moment but I just feel so fragile and about to break at any time. I can see why the doc has said she wants uni sorted before she thinks about transferring me back to the acute ward as she thinks I will break down should the news not be good. I have not made any plans at the moment but the thoughts are there and they are quite strong. They are making me feel anxious and really on edge. I am trying to distract myself by reading which is working quite well but as soon as I stop they seap in again taking over. I plan how I can self-harm while I am here but I am struggling to see a way as I have someone on top of me if I move so it’s not as though I can get anything.

I have had access to my medical records which has made really interesting reading. Especially the notes from when I was on the PICU at Out Of City Hospital. In particular Fingers’ notes. First off they described me as being manipulative and trying to split staff which I never did. I am quite upset by that. I spoke to a member of staff here about it telling her what they had said and she said she had never seen that in me and nor had anyone else on this ward so to ignore what they said as I was not like that. I like the staff here so what they think is more important but I don’t like the idea it’s in my notes as a permanent record. Also Fingers’ account of what happened that night which led to me putting a complaint in against him. It’s so wrong. He has written about it as though there were two separate incidents that happened a week a part. And, he did not give any rationale as to why he locked me out my room all night, he did not mention that I was upset and it was aimed at him in particular, or that he pushed me over. But then if you did something that wasn’t approved you would probably fail to mention it. I told a member of staff here what had happened that night with Fingers and she was not surprised I kicked him in the balls. Funnily enough no one who I have told is surprised and they all think he deserved it. Even when I have said I shouldn’t have done it as it was technically assault they have said if I was treated the same way I would have done something similar. I can’t condone what I did and I am ashamed of myself for losing my temper that far that I ended up kicking out at him. But it does make me feel better to know I am supported.

In regards to the complaint that was made about him, they have still not resolved it. It was actually my Mum who put the complaint in on my behalf. She did have her own qualms about him also which were brought up in the complaint. But she has received a letter stating that they are still looking in to the complaint and are questioning the staff on the ward. I don’t know what will happen, but I hope that he won’t get away with his behaviour.

What I didn’t like about reading my notes was, again, particularly at Out of City Hospital was how they practically wrote all I had said all day and all the conversations with staff I had had. Every move I made was being monitored. The first place I was at, their notes are pretty accurate and they didn’t make assumptions of what I was feeling whereas OOC did. Maybe getting access to my notes wasn’t a good idea?

Another thing I have seen from them though was how ill I was when I swallowed the needle. I have the medical notes as well as the psych notes from that period and it states that they had to call the crash team twice as I stopped breathing (because of the morphine). I wasn’t aware of this at all. Well, not the seriousness of it. I thought I had just been asleep and when I woke up I had one of the blokes off the ward holding my hand (quite sweet really). At the time they just told me I needed a bit of oxygen. I was pretty out of it I suppose. I had been hallucinating also. Although I do remember that. I thought there were trolls(the kind you used to get free in cereal packets that went on your pencil) outside the window and that there were fireworks going off really slowly. I was convinced I had been moved to a different hospital and was having a kind of out of body experience. That’s pain and morphine for you. They wrote that I wanted to know detailed information of the operation and to see where they had operated as though it was unusual. It’s not is it? If you had a major operation you would wanna know what they did wouldn’t you? The way it was written was as though I had an unusual interest.

It’s interesting and upsetting reading other people’s perceptions of you.

One last thing I have learnt was how much information my Mum knows about the self-harm and how much of that has come from hospital staff! It’s pissed me off quite a bit really as what happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? She seems to know about everything I have done. She also has told them quite a bit, like she told the staff at OOC Hospital what happened when I stole the money, so what I thought was a massive disclosure that was really hard for me wasn’t as they probably already knew if they had read my notes! That’s another reason I don’t want to tell them how I am feeling at the moment as I know everything goes into my notes where other people can read about it. I want to talk about it but I don’t want to be written and have what I say misinterpreted. I have been pretty open with Gary the psychologist and I am seeing him tomorrow. I don’t know if I am going to be able to tell him. He is usually quite supportive. What I like about him, the same as I like about Sam is I can ask what they think and they give me their opinion. Not like normal counselling where you have to figure it out for yourself while being guided I can just ask them and I get an honest, practical answer. Not your usual "ummm, ahhh, I understand" crap. But, even still, it has to go in my notes. I suppose I could start with how I had had access to my notes and I was quite upset with what had been written as I feel as though people perceive me wrongly and what I say is misinterpreted. It’s made me really paranoid about what people are writing about me now. No wonder my female neighbour shouts abuse at me as she thinks I am broadcasting things about her over the internet!

Anyway, I made some cakes today and they were ace. Chocolate orange sponge and chocolate fudge icing. AMAZING, if I do say so myself. My best attempt at baking yet! Yum Yum!
Xxx

More Ramblings From The Psych Patient

It’s been just over a week since I wrote. I have a lot to say but feel as though I have to be careful as I may be silenced. More on that in a bit. And no, it’s not me being paranoid, there is method behind the madness (quite apt really).

My Nanna died. Last Sunday. I cried a little. Sounds awful but I am not massively upset about it. I am more upset over my lack of emotions than by the actual emotions themselves. I spoke to the psychologist about it and he said he thought perhaps I had grieved when she had stopped knowing who people were. I said I doubted it but listened to him anyway. The funeral is this Wednesday and I am nervous about that. I don’t know if the emotions will start flowing then. I am worried if that’s the case then I am going to struggle to get by with the grief as well as the other emotions I feel. I have a psychology appointment the day before and the day after the funeral so at least I have someone to talk to about it. As weird as it sounds I am also kind of looking forward to it. The reason being is I will get to spend some time at home around my own things and see my dog. The downside is that the leave is escorted by a member of staff. So that’s going to be awkward around my family. I am nervous about seeing my family. I last saw them in October after I had been discharged the first time. Now I am back in. I’ve said it before but being in hospital is something that embarrasses me so it’s going to be quite tough at the funeral. I think it will only be family at the funeral so it’s not like I have to deal with all friends and family. But, still, I am embarrassed by it all.

I’ve been given leave back. Yay. At first it just started with OT and family room but today I was given grounds leave. OK the hospital grounds basically consist of a car park but it means I can get off the ward when I want to which is good. And after the way things have been on the ward it’s really important to me that I can do that.

The ward I am on only has 2 female beds. These are cut off from the rest of the ward by a coded door. Usually it’s ok as it’s a nice retreat from all the noise but the past week or so it’s not been. The other female has been a nightmare. I remember her from when I worked on the wards and worked with her a few times. She doesn’t remember me but I certainly remember her. This past week or so she has been in a bit of a mess and she has been shouting and screaming abuse at anyone and everyone. I have not even had any communication with her at all in the past week or so yet at times I still manage to be on the receiving end of this abuse. How she knows I have a lap top and a blog is beyond me but she shouts things out at me about that. I think it’s the reason why the staff wanted to look at my blog to ensure I wasn’t writing about other patients and that it was anonymous. She has also made threats to come in to my room and smash up my lap top so I have been having to have the door locked when I leave. I know they shouldn’t but other staff have been telling me their thoughts and feelings about what has been going on and it’s not positive. From what I have seen she has been making demands about who is on her obs and who isn’t. It’s not for her to decide. Because of this there has been days where I have not had a female on my obs all day and night, which in turn means I don’t really have anyone to talk to as the blokes on the ward aren’t exactly easy to make conversation with. This has made me feel quite lonely, and also quite pissed off. It seems because I am quiet and don’t make demands I am not being noticed and I think they just think I am coping ok as I have not said anything, made demands or acted out. It has also meant that I have been stuck with the same member of staff for hours on end which is not good for me or them.

I feel bad for writing about it as she is obviously paranoid I am writing about her. But, it is anonymous so no one would have a clue who I was writing about, no one knows where in the country I am so no one could tell which hospital etc. I am at. I feel I need to get it off my chest though as it is something that has been bothering me quite a lot in the past week or so. It’s not something I can talk to staff about either as I don’t want them to think I am just wanting attention also. Or a bit pathetic. So because of this I have felt quite funny about writing on my blog for not wanting to upset her further when I haven’t even done anything in the first place. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

I have still not heard anything from uni. I saw the doctor on Friday and she said she wanted to deal with uni before they thought about transferring me to another ward because she felt if it wasn’t good news then I would still need to be on PICU. She also said I wouldn’t be going to another ward until a case conference was held again because of how I have been unable to cope on acute wards before. It does worry me that I won’t be able to cope on the acute side. It’s different over there. It’s more stressful, it’s noisy, and it’s not what I can cope with. OK, last time I was there I was suicidal so maybe it would be different now, maybe I could cope. I also saw Beth the CPN last week. Again, I felt like shit after she’d been and felt like bawling my eyes out. I really don’t find her that helpful. Actually, I don’t find her helpful at all. She kept going on about how ill I was now. I’m not. I can see that I was, but I am not now. Am I? I honestly don’t think I am. I don’t feel suicidal. Yes, I have thoughts on it, but not regularly, not planning and not as though I want to do it. The self-harm urges are dealt with and not acted on. I am not sure how much of it is because I can’t as of the level of obs I am on or because I am ok at dealing with them. But if I am truthful there hasn’t been that many. Even with all of what’s going through my head at the moment with waiting to hear from uni, family stuff (including my parents, I don’t know what’s going on in their weird relationship) and just generally being stuck in here for an extended period of time. I feel I am holding it together quite well.

The doctor said before I go home they want to know what the triggers are and learn how to cope with them. So tomorrow in psychology I am going to tell him this. Get straight to the point and say this is what I want to talk about. I don’t really know what the triggers are. I think it may be related to stress. But I am not certain. It’s something to talk about in psychology anyway.

That’s all for now.

Xxx

Changed

It’s been a couple of shitty weeks which is why I have not written in a while. My mood has been in the boots but it has lifted at last. I don’t know why as nothing has really changed in terms of what is going on. If anything things have got worse, but I am managing. Somehow.

I still haven’t got any leave off the ward, which is pants. It’s been 4 weeks now. I went through a stage of not talking to anyone and hiding out in my room watching films so I didn’t need to make pointless conversation with people. I was getting really irritated by people and just didn’t want to end up snapping so thought it best if I keep my depression to myself and let people escape me and not be subjected to my moods. It was noted though. The doctors brought it up that it had been noted and a couple of staff members did. One staff member even wrote me a letter saying she knew I didn’t want to talk but people were there for me should I feel the need I wanted to.

Five seasons of Scrubs later I feel a lot better. I love Scrubs. I managed to get through 5 seasons in 4 days. That’s a lot of Scrubs. One thing I noticed was the clocks. You would think they would use clocks that don’t have second hands. They have obviously set the time and taken the battery out as you can clearly see that the second hand does not go round.

So, my appointment with the Psychologist went ok. He has come up with this theory that I am punishing myself for stealing the money when I was 13 and I am still punishing myself now. I agreed with him, saying he probably had a point. He gave me a long list of activities I should do to try and make myself feel better. Most things I already do, like listening to music. But some things that I know I should do but don’t, like go for a walk, take a bath, treat yourself kindly like moisturising etc. So I said I would do what I could in here to try and self sooth as he called it.

My Nanna is really ill at the moment. The docs have only given her days left to live. She is 88, had dementia for the past 15 or so years and for the past 8 has not known who anyone is. She is my last remaining grandparent. She is also the one who I stole the money from. So this her being ill is bringing up memories from the past. It’s been quite tough. I don’t understand my moods. When I have got nothing to have a low mood about it’s in the boots and I have disturbing thoughts, when things should be low for me, like now, my mood has improved. It doesn’t seem to correlate to what is going on in my life. With my Nanna being ill though I am worried about what it will do to my Dad and Aunties and Uncle. And selfishly I am worried what it will do to my Dad as of the mood it will put him in. He’s on Citalopram now which has seemed to work wonders with his moods so maybe it won’t affect him like it would have done pre-citalopram. Or, I wonder if this whole new him is down to drugs, or if he is putting it on as he is making an effort with my Mum as he wants her back? Who knows?

The hospital have forced me in to contacting university. I was really pissed off at first and I didn’t want to. I was going to tell them eventually that I had been back in but I was going to do it in my own time once I was out of hospital and better. But they have made me contact them now. It took ages to get the courage to do it. But I did do it. I spent hours mulling over how to write an email to the course director. Then I sent it. I got an out of office reply until the 12 th March. I also emailed my personal tutor and she said she needed to discuss it with course director but my personal tutor is off the week after so nothing will be discussed until the 19 th at the earliest. Great! I explained to the psychologist I would rather not know and be in a state of limbo than have them say no, you can’t come back.

The hospital have also said they want to read my blog and have access to it. That was a flat no. They didn’t give me any reasons either. I am not sure if it’s because they are worried it’s not totally anonymous and I am talking about particular staff or what. But I have strongly refused them access. I can’t see what it would gain. This is so personal to me and there is stuff in here I would never tell people who know me. Most people who know me don’t even know that I do this. There is no way they are having access to it. No way in hell!

I thought I would have a lot more to say considering I have not written in a while but I find I am struggling for the words. So, I’ll leave it there.
Xxx

It's Not Getting Better

It’s not improving. I’ve had a few shitty days. Well it’s been a couple of shitty weeks. I can’t seem to shift this low mood. I can feel it spiralling. I have no tolerance for people around me so find it’s best to just stay in my room on my bed all day so I don’t have to talk to anyone. If I talk to people then they will know I am not right and I will end up snapping at them. I snapped at a member of staff today. To be fair she had a bit of attitude but I am struggling and do not want people on top of me all the time. Every time I moved she was on her feet following me and it was getting to me. Then I asked her to close the door to while I was showering so I could have some dignity and she just said “the shower curtain is your dignity and if I was following your care plan you wouldn’t even be getting that”. So, I ended up snapping at her. To be fair she was right, it’s me who just can’t take it at the moment.

This low mood, I can feel it eating away at me from the inside. I’ve not had any leave from the ward in over 2 weeks and I think that this may be some of the reason. Before I swallowed the items I had a decent amount of leave, I could go to OT when I wanted, had grounds leave when I wanted and was able to have locality leave twice a day. So I could get off the ward quite a bit. Also one of my key workers has left and I gelled with him quite well and was able to talk to him quite a bit. I suppose I should try and get that with other people and build up more therapeutic relationships with people. There are only a couple of people who work on the ward who I will talk to and then that’s if they initiate it. I didn’t even really get to talk to the Psychologist today about it as he wanted to work on mindfulness exercises. Which, in all honesty, I find a load of crap. Not for me. Maybe my mind needs to be more on it to learn new skills but I don’t think blowing bubbles and having a smint/chocolate is going to stop me from self-harming. I can see the point of it, the whole thinking and being aware of the present and focussing on the present feelings i.e. the feeling of the smint in your mouth if it tingles etc., but it just wasn’t for me today. I got a chocolate bar out of it though. Thanks Gary.

I’ve been thinking about friends today. There is this one friend; I’ll call her Jane who at one time would have classed as my best friend. I would have classed her as this even though she was crap at keeping in touch and replying to messages. I realised today I had not heard anything of her since October. She doesn’t know anything of the hospital admissions as I hadn’t told her. I was thinking about why I hadn’t told her if I would have classed her as my best friend. And I realised that I didn’t want her to know. So, how can I class her as my best friend? I’ve not seen her since last April and she is never the one to make initial contact. She obviously doesn’t class me as a very good friend. I’ve had my good friends come here to see me as I have felt I can tell them without fear of disappointment or being judged by them. OK, so it’s only 4 friends who I have told, but those are all I need. I used to have a great night out with Jane and when we do see each other we don’t stop laughing, but there is more to friendship than that. So today, I text Jane as realised I hadn’t heard from her since October when the last message was one that I sent saying I needed to see her as I had lots to talk about with her (I was going to tell her about hospital and talk about my parents split with her). So I sent one half expecting not to get a reply as she is useless at replying to messages. But she does reply. We have a text conversation and she tells me she got engaged last week. OK, I’m happy for her, but really upset she didn’t let me know. It’s kind of massive news. Am I pathetic for being upset by it? If it was me I would go out of my way to share my news with people, getting engaged is kind of massive. I think maybe a lot of it is the feeling she has moved on and left me behind.

I suppose in the grand scheme of things that’s pretty small, but I can’t help the way I am feeling about it. My emotions are all over the place and I am getting upset by small things at the moment. It’s all part of being on a downer for me. Little things have a big effect.

I’m seeing the Psychologist again on Thursday and see the doctor on Friday. I am hoping I will be given some leave on Friday. Wish me luck!

Lost Tolerance

I’ve lost everything. I really screwed everything up. I had ward round on Friday and since then they have been in my room and taken everything away from me. All my clothes and belongings are now in a communal cupboard where I have to have someone go with me and document what I take out of it.

It came about because of what I did on Thursday. I swallowed a Kirby Grip. I spent the night in hospital after arguing with them that I wasn’t going to go. In the end they called the doctor in to assess my capacity as I said that they couldn’t force me into going if I had the capacity to refuse treatment. I wasn’t sure on that but turns out I was right in what I was saying. The doctor didn’t force me in the end but what made me go was she said they were going to have to wake me every hour to get a set of physical obs. I like my sleep too much so thought “fine, I’ll go, have them tell me it’s fine and go back to the unit”. I didn’t count on them keeping me in overnight and spending it all on a trolley in the ED bar 2-3 hours where I was on a chair in a waiting room in the ward. I should have just stayed put as I could have got more sleep being woken every hour than being there.

So I get back to the unit and have to see the doctor here as was my ward review. She has taken everything away from me. No leave, I can’t do anything myself and they have stripped my room. I also have someone right next to me at all times. It’s awful. No privacy at all. I was hysterically crying after this. No one has ever seen me cry like it before. They were trying to be nice to me about saying just see it as a blip in your progress but it’s pretty damn big when the doctor is now saying she wants assessments from low secure places as she thinks I need to be somewhere more long term. Before it was possibly an option along with Mac Close but now she thinks I need to be in low secure. I’ve already said I don’t like her!

Going to low secure would just screw up my whole life. There is no way I’d be able to continue on my course if I had to go somewhere like that. It would ruin me. It really would ruin my life. I think they just think I am saying that, but it would.

I feel so irritated and the urges are strong today. I think some of it is because tomorrow it will be 2 years since Gom and I finally finished. It doesn’t seem that long ago and I still hold a lot of emotion over him. And then I feel bad and stupid for doing so as it’s 2 years ago. I should be over him/it all now. I can’t believe how fast those two years have gone and how shit they have been for me and I equate him with me feeling so bad, well for a lot of it anyway. I still dream about him a hell of a lot. Most of the dreams are where he is saying he has made the wrong decision and he wants me back and I am saying no. I have more pride than that, it would be the wrong thing to do even though part of me wants to. Enough of him, he takes up enough of my unconscious thought without him taking up conscious thinking also.

But, yeah, the urges and thoughts are pretty strong today. I am easily irritated and snapped at someone at lunch time telling them to shut up. He never stops talking and he made a comment about the noise coming from the servery and I couldn’t help myself. I am also getting pissed at the people on my obs and they annoy me so easily. I usually have quite a good tolerance for people but today that has gone. The urges are there and tolerance has gone. Not a good mixture. Also I've just been told if I hadn't have self harmed then at my tribunal I'd have probably got off the section. So I'm not a happy bunny!

Why I Feel My Life Is One Big Screw Up

I really screwed up. I should have kept my mouth shut about the self-harm as now I have lost everything. Everything. I am being followed and watched constantly and am not allowed to do anything for myself. I have someone watching me at arms length when I am in the bathroom. It’s absolutely mortifying when you are on the loo and there is someone standing at the door watching you. I am not allowed to make my own drinks, I have to be with 2 members of staff when in the clinic room and I am not allowed off the ward. I have ward round tomorrow but I can’t see anything changing. This doctor doesn’t like to make changes.

I have had to lie to my parents about why I can’t go off the ward. I told them the leave had run out and there was no one around to do the new paperwork for it. I have also had my CPN/CCO on the phone having a go at me saying she needed to tell my Mum exactly what I had done and when. I had a bit of a go at her telling her how she was always so negative and I didn’t find her supportive. I didn’t say much about the phone call but ward staff are aware and they are on my side with it. They said they didn’t feel that her making my Mum aware was right as I was an adult and had capacity. So they are going to do what they can. But, I don’t think they will be able to do anything as once Beth’s mind is made up I don’t think there is any changing it.

So, this whole thing is making me depressed again. I am sinking really low. I am not waking up until gone 1pm and I am not doing anything as I don’t want to. TV doesn’t hold my interest and the thought of starting a book or watching a film fill me with dread. I recognise the symptoms and I know what has caused it. It’s my own fault. If I hadn’t have told anyone I swallowed the glass I wouldn’t be in this position that I am in now. If I had kept my mouth shut no one would have known any different and I would be able to shut my bathroom door, I would be able to leave the ward; I would be able to do activities that I want to do such as baking. I would have been happier. And now I am in a position where they are more likely to send me to a low secure unit as of the self-harm. I will lose even more if I go there. I won’t be able to write, I won’t have my phone, I won’t have anything. The deeper I am getting in to this depression the more I can see low secure happening and me not having any future. And then this makes me feel worse. It’s a spiral of negativity and I can’t get out of it. How can I get out of it? I have tried speaking to staff but this does not make much difference. There are only certain members of staff whom I would/could speak to anyway. I am finding it so difficult. I should have held out until I had pain so bad I couldn’t contain it anymore. Not just because I had a couple of twinges. The worst thing is now I want to do it again. I am really struggling to contain the urges.

I saw Gary on Tuesday. The first time since I had told him everything and he just concentrated on the self-harm. We didn’t really talk about the past. I am seeing him tomorrow also and he is off next week. He asked me how I felt about him missing a session and then being off all of next week. I said I wasn’t bothered, but I don’t know how I feel. He was ill he couldn’t help that so I can’t be angry, I can’t really be disappointed, I wasn’t exactly fine about it like I said but I don’t know what I was. It may not seem it to him or to anyone but I do kind of like seeing him. I like talking to him. Yes, I find it really difficult, but, I do like him and for me to trust someone so quickly is quite unusual. But I don’t know what it is.

So now all I know is I am not going anywhere for a long time. The doc is not going to want to move me with the recent serious self-harm, the ward I came from aren’t going to want me back. So I am stuck here with nothing, feeling worse as I have nothing and getting caught up in a spiral. I feel like just giving up as I don’t feel as though I am going to get anywhere. I don’t really know how I am going to cope over the next few weeks.

Backwards

I feel as though I am going backwards and could be getting unwell again. I did self-harm twice. I swallowed two shards of mirror and I have not told anyone. I knew when I did it I was wrong in it and I know I shouldn’t have done it for the second time. I know I should have talked through my feelings with someone, yet I didn’t. I went ahead and did what the urges were telling me to do. And now I can’t tell anyone. I don’t want it to jeopardise my chances of moving on.

I have had a good report from the nursing staff on the ward stating I am doing well and had not self-harmed since being here. I have applied for a tribunal and want to get off the section and I feel that if there are incidents of self-harm that have been recent I am not likely to get off the section. Also there has been that referral to the continuing care panel and if they got wind of it they are more likely to choose the low secure route.

So my plan is to not tell anyone unless I feel unwell. They will only send me to the ED where they will x-ray me, not be able to see it because it’s glass, and, then tell me to go back if I have any pain. I can’t see the point in going really unless I feel it’s caused me internal damage.

So does this mean I am getting unwell again? Am I going backwards? The self-harm urges are massive and I still want to really badly. There’s not really anyone on shift I could talk to about it. I suppose I could hypothetically ask what would happen if I were to tell them I had self-harmed and how this would affect me. But I bet they would probably catch on. I suppose I could then deny it. I don’t want the ramifications of what would happen but I feel as though I want to talk about it with someone. I am not sure who though. I am worried that these acts mean I am slipping back and I am not getting well as I thought I was.

I see Gary on Tuesday and I suppose I could talk to him about how I feel. I feel as though a lot of the feelings have come on since seeing him last time and being open with him. The thoughts of my past really trouble me and I have been having flashbacks and nightmares about it all. It’s thrown me off my course. Everyone thinks I am still doing so well. But if I tell them I have so much to lose. I won’t be able to go on leave, they will go back to watching me in the bathroom and toilet, every bit of progress that I have made will be ruined. So that’s why I don’t want to tell anyone. But every twinge I have I wonder if it’s the start of something and although I swallowed them with the intent to cause internal damage, I don’t want to be in the kind of pain that I was when I swallowed the needle in September. It was horrendous. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be in hospital though, I don’t want my parents and family I have seriously self-harmed again. I should have thought of this before I did it, I know that now. But the urges were too strong. I don’t think when I feel like that. Something in me takes over. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want this kind of life.

Another Review

I had another review today. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I talked about a few things with the doc.

First off we discussed my leave. I am allowed to go get my hair done tomorrow. They are giving me four hours to go get it done. I did say I had been struggling the past few days as of psychology and it was making me have thoughts. So they asked how I will cope if I struggle while I am out. I just said I would ride the feelings out as I have been doing the past few days and I am not planning on anything. Which is true. Kind of. My mirror in my eye shadows has broken and I did pull a piece of it out earlier. Not sure what I am going to do with it. I want to cut, I want to swallow it to cause internal damage. I am not telling anyone I have this glass as I don’t want it to affect the leave I have. But, it is worrying me that I have gone back a step. Also because I don’t want to go to low secure and serious self-harm is going to go against me. I am not even sure I will use it but knowing it’s there is a kind of security blanket. Anyway, they said because of my previous history of secreting items when I have come in to hospital, such as when I was admitted in November when I had all the medication hidden and razors hidden, that they are going to search me when I get back. So I must remember not to take out the mirror with me in case they find it on the way back in.

The next thing we discussed was the medication. Currently I am on Depakote (Sodium Valporate), Quetiapine and Lofepramine. I had a long conversation with one of the nurses in the week about the risks of taking Depakote and being a female of child bearing age. It really worried me. The chances of deformities in the foetus/baby are three times greater than other medication. It’s not a case of stopping it when you find out you are pregnant as these deformities happen in cell development and occur before you even know you are pregnant. What worries me here is when I have been unwell I have undertaken in risky behaviour and had unprotected sex. I am currently on the contraceptive pill but this is not 100% effective and if I am unwell I am less likely to take medication as I forget or don’t think I need it. Changing to a different contraception is not an option either as of my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease. After many years of problems I finally found a combination of treatment that works which is Metformin and the contraceptive pill. I am not going through having a coil fitted again as it is horrendous and I don’t want the implant. So changing my contraception is not an option. I asked if I could change to lithium to which she said she didn’t want to. She asked me if I could consider coming off the mood stabiliser all together and see how things pan out and increase the Quetiapine. I said I didn’t want to do that as I felt that the Depakote did work and I really didn’t want to chance becoming unwell and having unstable moods again. I tried to argue my point on this but I wasn’t getting anywhere. I think a lot of the reasoning behind her decision was the toxicity of Lithium in OD and we all know my history there.

Another thing I thought when she said that was “oh good, something that would definitely work”. So it’s obvious I am still having suicidal thoughts. Not good. I had not really noticed them until now. Maybe this is one of the first, but, it was there and that makes me worry that I am going back.

The last thing we talked about was moving wards. I said at the moment because of psychology I felt unsettled and don’t feel as though I would be able to cope on an acute/treatment ward as of the type of environment they are. I said ultimately I do want to move back to the hospital I was originally in but at the moment I worry as I feel being on this PICU is doing some good and I haven’t self-harmed in a number of weeks. But, if I am moved I feel that at the moment I wouldn’t be able to cope and I may end up back on the PICU that is out of my area where Fingers is. The doc said she couldn’t make any guarantees on this and cannot block a bed if they feel I am ready to be moved. I also said I didn’t wish to remain on this site as of the amount of hours I have worked on one of the wards and also on another ward before it was relocated to this site. So I want to go back to the main hospital where there are psych wards and not remain in the specialist psych hospital (If La Reve is reading this you are probably thinking I am mad considering the comparisons of cleanliness between the two places).

So that is this week’s review. I don’t feel as though I have got anywhere. I have been told I have to go to acute ward first. And even then it’s not a sure thing that I will be going home as the continuing care panel may decide they want me to go to low secure, or go to Mac Close. Neither of which I want. I just really wanna go home.

I saw my solicitor yesterday and she was quite positive at least. She said it doesn’t matter that I am getting self-harm urges as long as I can talk to staff about them and not act on them. I need to talk to staff about it and not hide away and say I am not getting them as it won’t be believed. If I can show that I do have them but I can ride them out and not do anything then I am more likely to get out. I said to her I felt my CPN/CCO (Beth) was quite negative and explained how she had even turned what my Mum had said in to a negative; she asked my Mum if she was happy to have me at home and my Mum said yes, she then asked her if she had any worries and my Mum said yes. So Beth said “Oh I’ll put that you are not entirely happy to have GP at home then”. My Mum was quite annoyed as that was not what she said and she said she could see how I felt Beth was being negative.

Anyway, that’s the past couple of days what has happened. I think I may need some PRN to help with the self-harm urges and thoughts. I don’t like taking it in the day though as it makes me sleep. I’ll see how I feel after going for a walk.

Thanks for reading.
Xxx