Lost Tolerance

I’ve lost everything. I really screwed everything up. I had ward round on Friday and since then they have been in my room and taken everything away from me. All my clothes and belongings are now in a communal cupboard where I have to have someone go with me and document what I take out of it.

It came about because of what I did on Thursday. I swallowed a Kirby Grip. I spent the night in hospital after arguing with them that I wasn’t going to go. In the end they called the doctor in to assess my capacity as I said that they couldn’t force me into going if I had the capacity to refuse treatment. I wasn’t sure on that but turns out I was right in what I was saying. The doctor didn’t force me in the end but what made me go was she said they were going to have to wake me every hour to get a set of physical obs. I like my sleep too much so thought “fine, I’ll go, have them tell me it’s fine and go back to the unit”. I didn’t count on them keeping me in overnight and spending it all on a trolley in the ED bar 2-3 hours where I was on a chair in a waiting room in the ward. I should have just stayed put as I could have got more sleep being woken every hour than being there.

So I get back to the unit and have to see the doctor here as was my ward review. She has taken everything away from me. No leave, I can’t do anything myself and they have stripped my room. I also have someone right next to me at all times. It’s awful. No privacy at all. I was hysterically crying after this. No one has ever seen me cry like it before. They were trying to be nice to me about saying just see it as a blip in your progress but it’s pretty damn big when the doctor is now saying she wants assessments from low secure places as she thinks I need to be somewhere more long term. Before it was possibly an option along with Mac Close but now she thinks I need to be in low secure. I’ve already said I don’t like her!

Going to low secure would just screw up my whole life. There is no way I’d be able to continue on my course if I had to go somewhere like that. It would ruin me. It really would ruin my life. I think they just think I am saying that, but it would.

I feel so irritated and the urges are strong today. I think some of it is because tomorrow it will be 2 years since Gom and I finally finished. It doesn’t seem that long ago and I still hold a lot of emotion over him. And then I feel bad and stupid for doing so as it’s 2 years ago. I should be over him/it all now. I can’t believe how fast those two years have gone and how shit they have been for me and I equate him with me feeling so bad, well for a lot of it anyway. I still dream about him a hell of a lot. Most of the dreams are where he is saying he has made the wrong decision and he wants me back and I am saying no. I have more pride than that, it would be the wrong thing to do even though part of me wants to. Enough of him, he takes up enough of my unconscious thought without him taking up conscious thinking also.

But, yeah, the urges and thoughts are pretty strong today. I am easily irritated and snapped at someone at lunch time telling them to shut up. He never stops talking and he made a comment about the noise coming from the servery and I couldn’t help myself. I am also getting pissed at the people on my obs and they annoy me so easily. I usually have quite a good tolerance for people but today that has gone. The urges are there and tolerance has gone. Not a good mixture. Also I've just been told if I hadn't have self harmed then at my tribunal I'd have probably got off the section. So I'm not a happy bunny!