Backwards

I feel as though I am going backwards and could be getting unwell again. I did self-harm twice. I swallowed two shards of mirror and I have not told anyone. I knew when I did it I was wrong in it and I know I shouldn’t have done it for the second time. I know I should have talked through my feelings with someone, yet I didn’t. I went ahead and did what the urges were telling me to do. And now I can’t tell anyone. I don’t want it to jeopardise my chances of moving on.

I have had a good report from the nursing staff on the ward stating I am doing well and had not self-harmed since being here. I have applied for a tribunal and want to get off the section and I feel that if there are incidents of self-harm that have been recent I am not likely to get off the section. Also there has been that referral to the continuing care panel and if they got wind of it they are more likely to choose the low secure route.

So my plan is to not tell anyone unless I feel unwell. They will only send me to the ED where they will x-ray me, not be able to see it because it’s glass, and, then tell me to go back if I have any pain. I can’t see the point in going really unless I feel it’s caused me internal damage.

So does this mean I am getting unwell again? Am I going backwards? The self-harm urges are massive and I still want to really badly. There’s not really anyone on shift I could talk to about it. I suppose I could hypothetically ask what would happen if I were to tell them I had self-harmed and how this would affect me. But I bet they would probably catch on. I suppose I could then deny it. I don’t want the ramifications of what would happen but I feel as though I want to talk about it with someone. I am not sure who though. I am worried that these acts mean I am slipping back and I am not getting well as I thought I was.

I see Gary on Tuesday and I suppose I could talk to him about how I feel. I feel as though a lot of the feelings have come on since seeing him last time and being open with him. The thoughts of my past really trouble me and I have been having flashbacks and nightmares about it all. It’s thrown me off my course. Everyone thinks I am still doing so well. But if I tell them I have so much to lose. I won’t be able to go on leave, they will go back to watching me in the bathroom and toilet, every bit of progress that I have made will be ruined. So that’s why I don’t want to tell anyone. But every twinge I have I wonder if it’s the start of something and although I swallowed them with the intent to cause internal damage, I don’t want to be in the kind of pain that I was when I swallowed the needle in September. It was horrendous. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be in hospital though, I don’t want my parents and family I have seriously self-harmed again. I should have thought of this before I did it, I know that now. But the urges were too strong. I don’t think when I feel like that. Something in me takes over. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want this kind of life.