Changed

It’s been a couple of shitty weeks which is why I have not written in a while. My mood has been in the boots but it has lifted at last. I don’t know why as nothing has really changed in terms of what is going on. If anything things have got worse, but I am managing. Somehow.

I still haven’t got any leave off the ward, which is pants. It’s been 4 weeks now. I went through a stage of not talking to anyone and hiding out in my room watching films so I didn’t need to make pointless conversation with people. I was getting really irritated by people and just didn’t want to end up snapping so thought it best if I keep my depression to myself and let people escape me and not be subjected to my moods. It was noted though. The doctors brought it up that it had been noted and a couple of staff members did. One staff member even wrote me a letter saying she knew I didn’t want to talk but people were there for me should I feel the need I wanted to.

Five seasons of Scrubs later I feel a lot better. I love Scrubs. I managed to get through 5 seasons in 4 days. That’s a lot of Scrubs. One thing I noticed was the clocks. You would think they would use clocks that don’t have second hands. They have obviously set the time and taken the battery out as you can clearly see that the second hand does not go round.

So, my appointment with the Psychologist went ok. He has come up with this theory that I am punishing myself for stealing the money when I was 13 and I am still punishing myself now. I agreed with him, saying he probably had a point. He gave me a long list of activities I should do to try and make myself feel better. Most things I already do, like listening to music. But some things that I know I should do but don’t, like go for a walk, take a bath, treat yourself kindly like moisturising etc. So I said I would do what I could in here to try and self sooth as he called it.

My Nanna is really ill at the moment. The docs have only given her days left to live. She is 88, had dementia for the past 15 or so years and for the past 8 has not known who anyone is. She is my last remaining grandparent. She is also the one who I stole the money from. So this her being ill is bringing up memories from the past. It’s been quite tough. I don’t understand my moods. When I have got nothing to have a low mood about it’s in the boots and I have disturbing thoughts, when things should be low for me, like now, my mood has improved. It doesn’t seem to correlate to what is going on in my life. With my Nanna being ill though I am worried about what it will do to my Dad and Aunties and Uncle. And selfishly I am worried what it will do to my Dad as of the mood it will put him in. He’s on Citalopram now which has seemed to work wonders with his moods so maybe it won’t affect him like it would have done pre-citalopram. Or, I wonder if this whole new him is down to drugs, or if he is putting it on as he is making an effort with my Mum as he wants her back? Who knows?

The hospital have forced me in to contacting university. I was really pissed off at first and I didn’t want to. I was going to tell them eventually that I had been back in but I was going to do it in my own time once I was out of hospital and better. But they have made me contact them now. It took ages to get the courage to do it. But I did do it. I spent hours mulling over how to write an email to the course director. Then I sent it. I got an out of office reply until the 12 th March. I also emailed my personal tutor and she said she needed to discuss it with course director but my personal tutor is off the week after so nothing will be discussed until the 19 th at the earliest. Great! I explained to the psychologist I would rather not know and be in a state of limbo than have them say no, you can’t come back.

The hospital have also said they want to read my blog and have access to it. That was a flat no. They didn’t give me any reasons either. I am not sure if it’s because they are worried it’s not totally anonymous and I am talking about particular staff or what. But I have strongly refused them access. I can’t see what it would gain. This is so personal to me and there is stuff in here I would never tell people who know me. Most people who know me don’t even know that I do this. There is no way they are having access to it. No way in hell!

I thought I would have a lot more to say considering I have not written in a while but I find I am struggling for the words. So, I’ll leave it there.
Xxx