Feeling Baaad.

I am planning ways in which I can self harm. My current thinking is I could cut and drive to the hospital that is out of town as I don't run the risk of seeing my old next door neighbour there if she is working. But, the only thing stopping me from doing that at the moment is I've got a really bad fake tan job. I am streaky, orange and it's awful. So I don't want anyone seeing it. I am sure as the day wears on that that will become less of factor in stopping me.

I am actually sitting here crying because I don't know what to do with myself.

I have just swallowed. I was intent on doing it. The first time I tried I was retching and ended up throwing up. At least I got rid of some of the dinner I just had. But I did it again. At least the urge to cut has settled a little. Although I am still feeling the urge and that feeling that comes with it.

I really am in such a mess. My friend said she may come over later. I said yes originally as I have not seen her little boy in over 3 weeks and I miss him, he is only 10 weeks old. So changing all the time. But at the same time I really feel like I don't want the company at the moment. I just want to wallow. And for the first time since ever I am considering cancelling my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow.

I was supposed to go out today to a hen do of the sister of one of my old school friends. We used to hang out when we were younger and we went to Guides together. But I really couldn't face it.

The only reason I think I could feel like this is because of the wedding. But that seems a pretty inconsequential reason to feel like this.

Maybe it's just because I am tired, run down and have drank so much over the last couple of weeks that it has just built up to this. I hope it is just that as it would mean I will come out of it soon. All I need is a few days R+R and I should feel a lot better.

Here's hoping.