Don't Want To Boast Too Soon But...

Things have improved since last week. Yay. Bit tentative about it at the moment as could just be the last couple of days I have had. To say last week I was really struggling with the urges and I was in a right mess. Well, it's not like that now. I wouldn't say I am happy. But, things have levelled out on more of an even keel.

It's not as though I have done anything different, it's just got better.

I asked my CPN about going back on Quetiapine on Thursday. I spoke on the phone to her on Friday, she said she had spoken to Dr T and he had said he would prescribe a weeks worth as PRN at a max of 25mg a day. I laughed. I was on 300mg a day before. 25mg will do nothing. I said I'd try it though as was better than nothing. But then I forgot all about it on Friday and didn't go and get it. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't have any thing over the weekend and there was no one to speak to other than crisis team. But as it turned out I didn't need it.

I started to feel better Friday evening and I had a pretty chilled weekend. I saw friends Saturday night and we all got in to bed and watched a film while gorging on fruit. And Sunday I went for a walk up a big hill in the countryside. I found it really hard work, really strenuous and could only go about 10 paces before stopping, and it was a bit of a scramble but I was determined to get to the top. I was quite proud of myself when I looked up the walk I did when I got home and it is classed as strenuous. For me it really was, but for normal people it would have been a lot easier. But yeah, I felt good for doing it. And I was rewarded with nice views from the top.

Each evening I have had a nice healthy dinner, cleaned up, got in my PJ's early and put a film on. I have been in bed early with a book. A part from the horrible awake nightmare/hallucination on Friday night which really freaked me out. I have had a few these last couple of weeks which have bothered me, but this was more real. Usually they are things like faces in the window, or inanimate things coming to life. This was something real and it scared me even more so than usual.

But, I have slept better and I feel better.

I am quite happy as my down time only lasted a couple of weeks and I seem to be coming out of it already. It's quite a fast turn around for me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not back to normal completely. I am still having quite bad urges. But the last couple of days I haven't been over taken by them they have been dealt with quite easily. I do now have regret about my cutting last week. I am reminded by it all the time as of the amount of stitches I have. I did all but one of them over old scars to reduce further scaring. But, I did it and that is what is important. I feel let down with myself and I do regret doing it.

I don't feel bad about it when I swallow stuff. I know that could potentially cause me more damage and even kill me, but I never feel bad about it. It doesn't leave any mark. Well, except the huge scar on my stomach going from navel to chest from where I had to have emergency surgery. But that was once and there has been numerous times.

Yes, I have a weird fucked up mind don't I?!