Good Riddance To 2013

I am so glad to see the back of this year.

I wrote a post just before the turn of 2011 saying how I was going to be more positive etc, then just before 2012 as an inpatient on a PICU, last year, I was also in a bad place. This year has proven to be very difficult. One of the hardest yet, which is why I am glad to see the back of.

I need to write more about this. But, I don't have the time at the moment.

But for this year, this is it. Have a good night everyone. Don't drink too much and here is to a better 2014!

Stigma And Discrimination

Not a long post, but I just want to write about something that quite annoyed me today. But, me being me, and me being ashamed of the way I am didn't challenge what someone else had to say.

I was in the hairdressers earlier and I was talking about the neighbour that I had a lot of problems with and who, the police had been out to numerous times etc etc etc. I had said how I had had paramedics at my door late at night thinking that they could gain access to his from mine. She said a long the lines of that they had regularly had them coming in to the hair dressers and also the police as they thought they could gain access from there also. So, then she started going on about how it was because he would call up saying he had tried to kill himself by taking ODs etc etc etc. How he was a crazy person who just wasn't right in the head and she felt that if he was going to kill himself, why didn't he just go off somewhere and do it properly, not bring everyone else in to it and he was being selfish, he was attention seeking and that that was his problem and there was nothing wrong with him other than he was just attention seeking.

It did make me a little angry. Obviously, I have had a lot of issues with this guy and wanted him out the flat below me as of the problems he had caused me. Mental health problems or not, when he starts trashing his place at 2am in the morning and threatens to kill my other neighbours, threatens me, causes criminal damage to near by property, it's not someone you really want to be sharing a building with is it? Not when you are prone to anxiety yourself and when sleep is a big indicator of when things can start to spiral for you. But, the way she was talking about him made me angry. I don't have any time for this guy, but at the same time, I don't want to see him having the wrong opinion formed about him because he has mental health issues. This guy, obviously has alcohol problems. But why? Why does he drink so much? Is it to forget, to numb? What has gone on in his life which lead him to drink too much? We don't know do we?

There are always going to be these people that make these assumptions about others. People who make assumptions that because someone self harms, makes an attempt at their life that they are just doing it for attention. People are so ill informed about mental health and that bothers me. But, what also bothers me is that I won't use my own experiences publicly to challenge this.

I am not really sure how much of that makes sense. I don't know if I have got across what I have meant to get across there. I have had a bit to drink tonight, I'm not drunk, but, I have had a drink, so I may possibly come back to this.

I also need to write about my session with G on Thursday.

Arguing With Myself.

A few times over the last couple of weeks I have had internal arguments with myself. All to do with cutting.

I get a massive urge and I picture cutting and imagine the feelings that will come if I do. And I decide that when I get home I am going to cut.

Then the arguments start.

I tell myself that it doesn't matter, no one needs to know, I will go over an old scar so that it doesn't make a new scar, if I do it on my calf it won't affect my mobility and I will be able to continue to go to the gym. It won't be painful to walk on. And I don't need to tell anyone. No one needs to know.

Then, another voice pops up saying if you cut tonight you will have to go to the local hospital. You will have to wait hours, you will possibly be treated like crap, it could start a spiral and ending up with the self harm being worse than cutting. The swallowing would start, as that is more of a punishment, it could possibly lead to life endangering behaviours. I could end up back at the beginning.

Then, I tell myself that that's ok, it will just be one cut, it won't matter. I will wait until the next day and lie about when I cut and go to the local walk in centre as they do stitches there.

But then I get, well, it will get infected, you may end up having to take a course of antibiotics which you hate taking and can make you ill. You will get the cutting guilt and feel terrible the next day. You will get blood all over your covers as it won't be closed so even if covered, it is still likely to leak.

In the end, I decided not to. Last night I had had a drink and I wasn't going to let the drink be a factor in it. If I am going to cut, it will be a sober decision. Not an impulsive drunken one.

So, I managed it that way. Although writing about it has started off the internal argument all over again and the urge is quite strong.

It's Nearly Christmas :-(

I don't like Christmas. I haven't since I was a kid. But anyway....

Saw G last Friday. I mainly talked about this guy that I had been seeing (well still am), and how I didn't really know what to do. I told G most things about him, but did leave out some of the more intimate things out. And I will on here as well!

But anyway, I was telling him about how weird he is and how I am scared that he may be controlling and how that worries me. It's little things like how he will read a message over my shoulder as I am texting friends, and he will comment on what they've said or what I've said. OK, so it was in his eye line, but to make it obvious you are reading it, I find that weird. But the the other day, he actually moved himself so he could read what was on my phone. I don't like that at all! Another thing was I had some paperwork in a folder that was on the arm of one sofa. I came back in the room and the folder was open on the other sofa.


He doesn't have any idea what personal space is and he stands on top of me all the time making me feel uncomfortable. I have also found myself getting very irritated by him. The other day, I wasn't very well at all. I have had a really bad cold and cough, so I haven't been sleeping and been feeling pretty horrible. He came round on Sunday and I cooked a big Sunday dinner. 2 joints and all the trimmings. It took me about 4 hours to do everything. So he came round, ate it. Said it was nice. And didn't make any effort to help me clean up or wash up. So I started moaning about how ill I was feeling and banging around in a bit of a huff and to make it obvious I was struggling. I had just about finished, all I had to do was wipe down the surfaces, and he then pipes up and said if I want, he can help me. In my mind he should have said before I started "I'll do that, you cooked, you sit down while I wash up". Of course I'm not going to say actually yes, I do want you to. He should have taken control, or even at least offered after we had had dinner not just as I was finishing off. If someone had taken the effort to cook me dinner, even if it was just pasta, I would make sure I helped clean up after. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I know it's quite small. But, he strikes me as quite lazy and expects to be waited on. And the way he eats. It's so bloody delicate. It drives me mad. He needs to man up! He holds the knife and fork the wrong way and it's like he is using chop sticks to cut up his food. I think perhaps I am being irritated by very small things because I don't like him that much anymore.

Then there's the big thing. He doesn't have any contact with his family. He says it's because they treated him badly when he was suffering with anxiety. But, from what he said some of the things they did, they really don't sound that bad. Not so much that you would not have any contact with them and then go and change your name through deed poll. And not just changing his name, but to that of a well known author, an author who was very controversial and whose books, one in particular had some sort of cult following and copies of it were found on a person when they were arrested after assassinations of some quite famous people!

I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. Something he is not being honest about that is quite big. So much so, I have contacted the police and requested information about him under this Clare's Law. So that basically if there is anything in his history that could possibly cause harm to my family or myself, such as domestic violence, they can tell me.

So, if I am honest. I am pretty scared. My friends have got it in my head that something is seriously wrong. They have said that I shouldn't tell him face to face that it's over as they are worried about me. And now so am I.

I was telling G about some of the things that bothered me. This was before I had fully made up my mind and was more just the little mannerisms that annoyed me. And I said to him how I felt that there could be something he was not saying. G said he wasn't going to tell me what to do, as he couldn't do that. But what he did say was that he was a massive believer in gut instinct and I should follow that. So basically, he was telling me I shouldn't go there.

So now, I have to find a way in telling him I don't want a relationship with him anymore. But, I have to do it in a way that won't upset him, as I don't want to upset him as there is the worry he could hurt me.

Also, because of where I met him. If I want to continue to go there I don't want it to be awkward. I want to continue to be able to go there as I really enjoy it and it's helped me no end in combating this whole low mood etc. So, I don't want to stop with that.

I don't think, I want to stop this relationship as I am scared you'll murder me will really work. But what would?

I can't really remember what G and I talked about in our session. We did talk about this guy quite a bit. And what it meant to me having someone who has seen my scars. That has been a big thing for me. Hence why I hadn't been with anyone in 3 years. That there was also the part of me that wanted to hold on to what I had with him as he had accepted me for who I was. Well, who I am! While the sex with him is pretty good, I can't help but think I am getting to that age where I want to meet someone I can have children with. Someone who will be a good father, and someone I don't mind being in my life, for the rest of my life. He is definitely not that person.

I've been having quite a few urges recently. Both harm and suicidal. Perhaps it is because of how I am feeling about this situation and there is all that uncertainty, also because I have been ill the last week, I have not been able to go to the gym and hammer it.

I have also been having feelings of being quite worthless and that I mean nothing. Again, this is probably because I have been physically ill and I haven't been able to get out and about like I usually would. I haven't had the energy and I have spent the last few days at home, only going out for short periods, where as usually I am out most the day. I hope it's that anyway.

Going to monitor it and see how things go. But I am worried it is the start of a downward spiral again.

It's my last ever appointment with my CPN tomorrow. She is moving me off her service and I am being moved over to a different one. I have had her since 2011, so coming up to 3 years. It's only been the last few months that I have felt that I have been able to trust her and be open with her. So feeling a bit off about that. I feel as though I am finally getting somewhere with someone and then I stop seeing them. For so long I didn't like her, where as now I do. But, I suppose that probably shows recovery doesn't it? It shows that I am moving forward.

The schema therapy is helping too. It's making me more aware of my thought processes and how all the things I think and do are related to these schemas, also known as life traps. He did talk about me writing a letter to my parents about how I feel about the things that happened when I was brought up. I have thought about this and am not sure. I can't help but feel it's me being over sensitive. That, it's just the way I have reacted to it. That it's some flaw within me that has caused me to be the way I am. I have said this and G has said that this is my defectiveness schema/life trap being activated. But, I mean, it really wasn't that bad my upbringing. I am sure other people have had it a hell of a lot worse and they haven't come out of it the way I have. So it is me isn't it? It must be a flaw within me. Yes, it may be my defectiveness schema/life trap coming in. But this isn't a belief that it is a flaw. It quite obviously is isn't it?

Perhaps this is something I need to work on more with him. I can't help believing what I believe. But this isn't a belief. A belief would be me thinking I am useless, I have nothing good about me, I fail at everything I do. And while, yes, I do get these at times, I can see that they are just beliefs and I have facts to back up that they are not true. For instance, I have a lot of friends who like to spend time with me, people ask my opinion on things, I achieved a degree. But this. This is fact!

Poorly

I feel so ill. Physically. Poor me :-(

But I am dragging myself out tonight as I have been looking forward to tonight since the beginning of August. If I have to crawl there I am going. Just supping on some Brandy now to get warm and that nice fuzzy feeling.

Emotional Deprivation.

That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.

He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.

So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.

I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?

I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.

I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!

Where Things Are

I did have quite a long post prepared that I had made notes for about the last psychology session and where things are with R. But, it didn't really make much sense.

I just wanted to say that I am ok, still having thoughts and sometimes they are very intense. But, I have not acted on any. I can't cut as R would know then that it is something I have been doing again. I had to talk to him last night about drawing attention to my scars. Sometimes he kisses them quite a lot when we are in the bedroom and I really don't like it. He tries to make me feel better about myself, but he goes over board and he makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have lost quite a bit of weight recently, but I still want to lose about another 2 stone. I have made comments about this and about trying to eat well and exercise. Last night when we were in bed he keeps grabbing my stomach saying how much it turns him on. I hate it. Makes me feel so self conscious and it's horrible. It creeps me out a little if I'm honest. He just kept going on and on about how much he likes my body and that I shouldn't change it. And kept trying to get me to tell him how much I loved it. It was all a bit weird.

I think he's a fat lover. I've seen pictures of his exs on Facebook and they are all over weight. This makes me uncomfortable. More so than my ex not finding me attractive as I put on too much weight. I see that as acceptable. But, I don't understand why people would be attracted to me if I am 5 stone over weight. Surly, confidence is attractive and if a girl isn't confident about her own body, then that is unattractive.

I'll see where things go with this. I am not sure I like it. But, other than that, there are a few issues. But, I will try and put those to the back of my mind as I need to keep an open mind. Other than that things are ok.

Not Sure What To Do.

I think I could have fucked up.

There is this guy who I have kind of known for the last few weeks. I have seen him pretty much every day. I know him from going to the gym. I was attracted to him and we spoke more and more each time and I grew to like him.

This week, we decided to not go to our usual class and we went to the pub instead. To quickly cut to the end we ended up in bed together, him staying over and also again the next night. But, I regret doing it and I am now worried what it will do to him. I was very drunk on the first night. And there was a lot of flirting, then all of a sudden things moved pretty fast. I was honest with him and told him that I have been in hospital and the scars are from self harm, that I was taking medication but things were more stable than they ever had been. And I suppose, I saw that he was ok with that and used that to my advantage and just went with it. I suppose when I haven't slept with anyone in over 3 years, and a lot of that was because I was worried about the scaring, I needed that acceptance from some one, I needed to get over my fear. And I saw that as an opportunity to do that. And at that moment in time I did like him. And, it was brilliant. So much so I messaged him the next day seeing if he wanted to come over later that night for a repeat performance. He did come over and stayed over and we slept together again.

Initially I was very attracted to him. I suppose as the night wore on before we even came back to mine, the warning bells sounded, but I ignored them. Then as I consumed more alcohol, they weren't even ringing. The next morning there was some regret at what I had done, but, it was good so I thought I would see if he wanted to come over again. He did. He got on my nerves a bit most the night. Little things, but they were building up.

I am worried how intense he has got so quickly. He acts like we have been a couple months. He is overly comfortable. Little things like leaving the bathroom door open while he pees, he'll sit on the sofa and want me to snuggle in (which I don't mind and find quite nice), but he'll keep giving me affectionate kisses on the top of my head or smelling my hair. He also walks around naked. I find that really odd. Ok, I know we have slept together etc and I have seen all there is to see, but to walk around naked. I just find it odd. He has a daughter, who is about 3, but he has nothing to do with her and doesn't see her (it's bad enough him having a kid, but to not see her, that's even worse), he isn't working at the moment as he had to leave his job due to mental health problems (I know pot and kettle here, but I don't really want to take on someone else's mental health problems when my own are enough to deal with), and I think there are a few things going on in his life that some times he has been over sensitive over. Or maybe I'm just not sensitive enough. He has cut off all contact with his family and actually changed his name (first and last) because he doesn't want anything to do with them. Perhaps I am jumping to the wrong conclusion, but there are 2 sides to every story. I feel that he could have jumped in a bit much and have gone over board. It's the impression I get from him.

I can't put my finger on anything exactly. But it's not right. I feel that he has become very intense over me. I feel like he sees me as being perfect and he puts me on this pedestal.

I know, I am an awful person. But usually, I would just avoid the person I didn't really want to see anymore. But, I really like the class at the gym I go to and it is not on anywhere else. It's really working for me in losing weight. I don't want to have to stop going, because if things didn't work out well between us, then it would be weird wouldn't it.

So that's a rough outline of that.

I saw G today for a psychology session. I told him a bit about what had been going on...minus the sleeping with him part. He said he wondered if I felt I needed to be in a relationship and because of that I hold on to the wrong person. I said that was a load of crap as I wouldn't end things with guys or tell them no even after they said they would like to see me again. He said yeah, fair point. We related it to my schemas and talked a bit about which ones had been activated. Laughed about my avoidance of everything. We also talked about general crap and then we moved on to the psychic party etc. And my Nan. Cue the tears. Well, becoming tearful and trying very hard to not start sobbing uncontrollably as I knew if I started it would be hard to stop. He asked me why I wouldn't let myself cry and part of it was because I look a right mess when I cry and didn't want to ruin my make-up, but there is the uncontrollable part and I hate the feeling as though I am losing control. I said I don't like to feel strong emotions about something as it opens me up to emotions about other things, I worry that once I start to feel emotions that these other will creep in and I will get carried away. I've only done the tearful thing in front of him one or two times before and they were quite a while ago. I don't like to cry in front of other people as I am worried it is seen as a loss of control. Even though he said it was ok, he wasn't judging, he didn't see it as a loss of control, I can't do it. I very rarely cry in front of people. It was a really full on session for me, very hard. I talked about things I had never talked about with anyone before. I said I had these images going through my head all the time about her last few days and how at the moment it was all feeling quite fresh and recent. Not 14 years ago. He said I was putting too much of a time line on it, that there was no time line on grief. That also, perhaps, I shut myself off from it all those years ago and am possibly now feeling it.

He said one thing he had noticed when he first met me is that I was dis fragmented. That there were parts of me in different places and I didn't like them crossing over. He said that they are now coming together and that this is a painful process and although I may not like it, it is a necessary part of my recovery. Is it? He seems to think so. We over ran by quite a lot and he was mainly trying to get me to see that things weren't my fault or that I couldn't have changed anything. He said he was really happy with how I was doing that he didn't think I saw it but he did, that I had come a long way. There was still a long way to go, but I was getting there.

After the appointment I had to go to the Sexual Health clinic to get some emergency contraception. It was awful. I felt like a dirty little clueless whore. The woman I saw made me feel so horrible. She was questioning my consultant gynaecologists judgement about putting me on the pill for my PCOS and she called another doctor and between them wanted the over throw my consultant's method and put me on something else. I said I wasn't happy doing that as what she wanted to put me on, I know 3 people who have got pregnant while on that pill. I also didn't want to change anything without speaking to my consultant. So, I said I would speak to him about it. She wasn't happy at this at all. We were talking about sex and she asked if it was ever painful. So I said it was most the time. She said I should see my doctor and have a referral to some clinic. But, surprise surprise, it was probably related to my mental health. Every fucking thing is isn't it!!!!??? I was at the clinic around 40 minutes and it was awful. Really awful. Anyone seen that programme on BBC3 called Unsafe Sex In The City? There is people who have 2-3 one night stands a week unprotected. This is one guy in over 3 years.

Then to top my brilliant day off. As I was reversing out the car park. I reversed straight in to a wall that was protruding that I didn't see. Luckily not caused much damage, and I think it probably won't even be noticed. So don't need to go admitting that one to anyone.

So, now I have all these tears inside me that have built up. I don't want to start crying though. I won't stop. I am having a lot of thoughts of self harm tonight, but I am not going to give in.

There are people who have it a whole lot worse than me and they don't act like I do. So why should I?

Not Sure What Is Going On.

I feel ok in myself. Well I think I do. I don't feel really down etc etc etc. I wouldn't go as far as saying I am happy. But I am pretty stable. So why the constant suicidal thoughts? Why are they there pretty much all the time going round and round, the same thoughts on a reel flashing in front of my eyes.

I don't get why they are there. Usually I get them when I feel low and I am struggling with urges of self harm and they have become so intense that they then merge in to suicidal thoughts as I don't want to deal with those anymore. So to have them when I am feeling ok, is a bit weird.

Maybe it's the admitting out loud that although I am feeling more stable at the moment I don't see a future and that at some point I will probably end up ending my life.

I am also not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I am not sure I want to work in mental health. I am not sure I want to be a Social Worker anymore. But, this leaves me with nothing. I have no idea what else I could do. I have no idea what else I would want to do. I keep having this stupid day dream of becoming a photographer. Getting famous with fantastic landscape images. And where has this come from... a few positive remarks on the photos I have put on facebook that I edited with instagram. I can't believe I am having doubts about it all after it being something I wanted to do for so long, for it to be something I really fought so hard to get on to and to try and stay on.

And now this. I feel kind of lost. Perhaps that is why I am having these thoughts.

I have not voiced my new way of thinking to anyone. I think maybe I need to talk about it with G tomorrow.

Meeting With Psychologist and Appointment With CPN

I really didn't want to go to the psychologist appointment. I was close to cancelling. I was worried about it and I didn't want to go and feel shit about things after. But, it was actually OK. He asked how I was feeling and I said I was doing a lot better. He said he was quite relieved and made up I was doing better as he was really worried and concerned that I was just surrendering to everything and was giving up.

I can't really remember what we talked about. It was pretty none eventful. He told me I need to write down what it is like to be feeling better so I can read it when I feel bad to remind myself that things can be ok at times. So that is why there is a letter to myself as the last post. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. But it's worth a shot isn't it?

The main thing this last week was the appointment with my CPN and what is happening there.

Basically I am losing her. And that terrifies me. I am being transferred over to another team at the team I am under at the moment is only a short term thing, and I have been with them coming up to 3 years. Basically, they won't allocate me another CPN/CCO while I have one at the moment. So she needs to discharge me from her service. I will still have G and Dr T. The plan is that I will continue to see G weekly and he will inform my new team if I need more support. Currently I am under Crisis Team and if I need more input I can call them and either speak to a duty worker who will get my CPN to call me, or if she is not there someone else, or just talk to her. I see my CPN every couple of weeks and if I need to I can call and speak to her or bring appointments forward. Now I will have to call this new team and speak to someone there, but there won't be one person who I can have as my person. So technically it could be a different person every time. If G or Dr T think I need more input they can also arrange for someone to come out and see me. Also, that if I need one, I will then be allocated a new CPN/CCO.

It took me ages to have any kind of relationship with her. I really didn't like her at first and it has only been the last few months that I have been able to build that relationship with her. It took so long. And now, I am going to lose that. And that worries me. I don't feel as though  I am in recovery, or that I am stable. I feel as though I am constantly walking a tightrope. The people around me; my team, are my safety net and I feel as though they are taking that away from me. I worry that if I fall, it could cause some real damage if the people aren't there. Also, knowing they are there gives me more confidence and I think I am less likely to have a fall. Does that sound mad?

I told her I wasn't happy with it, but I would go along with it all as I didn't really have much choice. She said she knew it wasn't ideal and that the ideal would be I would be transferred and given a new CPN/CCO. But it can't work like that as there is a waiting list and that people who already have a CPN/CCO would not be allocated a new one.

But, yeah. I am quite scared.

I don't know how we got on to it but I came out with some stuff I have not said to anyone before. I said that although at the moment, things are more stable. I still don't see a future and I still think I will be successful in killing myself. I see that as my ending. I don't know when it will be, and I am not saying it's going to be in the next few days, weeks or what ever. But I still think it will happen. I don't think I am strong enough. Although things are more stable and I do feel a bit better at the moment, there is still this underlying sadness and underlying feeling that I can't put my finger on that is really strong.

The CPN said that it is quite likely if I continue to self harm the way in which I do when I am feeling on a low. But, I needed to talk to G about these feelings. So I think that will be the topic of our next session at the end of this week.

But those feelings are quite strong at the moment and they are quite scary in themselves.

I went round to a friend's house for a housewarming party the other night. They didn't stop with the compliments. That made me feel good. They were saying I was unrecognisable now. Not just in the weight I have lost, but in myself. That I remind them of teenage me. And they loved it. They said that a few months ago they struggled to have a conversation with me as I was not with it. That I was like a zombie at times and it was obvious I was putting an act on.

So I suppose maybe I am heading towards recovery as it would seem as though even though I feel I am putting an act on, I'm not as when I know I am putting an act on, people can see right through it. People can see more in me now than they could do before. It would seem as though people can see through me. So, perhaps maybe I am getting better. Or I am getting better at fooling people. Because I feel like I am fooling myself.

Dear Kat, Read This When You Feel Bad....

Dear Kat,

It can be better to this. This letter to yourself is a reminder of that.

At the moment you are possibly self harming regularly and even have thoughts of suicide on your mind and are thinking of ways in which you can complete the task. But, it is not always like this and it can be better.

G, told you to write down something so that when you are on a low you can read something and hopefully it may help. It's worth trying isn't it?

So, at the moment things are ok for me. Yes, the thoughts are still there but, I am managing them.

Here are some tips of what you can do if you are not doing to well. It may seem like common sense, you may already be doing them, perhaps even feeling that they aren't doing anything to help you. But in the long run they do.

So, the first thing I would say is look at your sleep. Sleep is essential to you and when you are not getting enough or good enough quality then you struggle. I am not sure if the sleep is a sign you are not doing well or if the sleep then leads to you struggling. So, if you are not sleeping, don't just put up with it, go to your GP and get some sleeping tablets. I know you don't like taking them, but after a few nights decent sleep you do start to feel better and more able to manage how you are feeling. In the last episode you weren't sleeping, perhaps only getting a couple of hours a night. But, after going to the doctor and getting some sleeping pills and taking those for a few nights you did feel quite a bit better and more able to deal with the thoughts and feelings and not act on any of the urges you were having.

A second thing. Carry on seeing your friends and family. Don't isolate yourself. Most of your friends will be happy just for you to sit there and not really do a lot. But making sure you see them means it keeps those friendships strong and also they may be able to help you by making you feel better. You may miss out on things with them, and miss out on being able to do big things with them. Last time, you felt like isolating, but you did go over. And if you hadn't, you wouldn't have been going on a holiday of a life time with them.

The third thing. Stay active. Get fresh air and go for walks. Hammer it at the gym and spin classes. You do really enjoy them and the feeling you have after you have done it. It is also a good chance to lose yourself in music and focus on something else for a couple of hours. Also, it will help with the weight loss. You feel shit when you gain weight. So, keep up with the exercise and it will help you to continue to lose weight and not adding to those awful feelings of being a failure if you gain. One the same kind of note. Eat well. Again similar reasons as above. But also filling up with sweet crap and not eating properly makes you feel bad. Notice how much better you have been doing since you have been losing the weight? Keep it up. Don't feel like giving up on it, as come weigh day, you will feel worse if you give up on it, don't exercise and don't eat well.

It's all about giving yourself a chance. OK, one of these things on their own isn't going to miraculously make you feel better. But carry on to do all of them and it will help a little. Remember there is no magic cure. But, you can help your self.

Remember you have people you can talk to. I don't know how much longer you are going to be under services for. But at the moment you have a team behind you. You have G, who at times does piss you off, but you do like him and he has helped you a lot. I don't think you would be where you are now if you hadn't have had his input. Listen to him. As much as you hate to admit it, he is usually right. So, do what he tells you to do and listen to him. You also have the option to call the home treatment team. I can't really say much about them at the moment as you have only just moved over to the new team and things are going to work differently. But remember, you wrote that care plan with your CPN, so if you do need to call the person you speak to will have that to refer to and will hopefully be able to help you out. Ask for a home visit if you need one. Not sure why they work or are helpful, but they are. If it's just that you have to be accountable to someone, someone who knows you are having all these thoughts and will be expecting you to open the door to them at a certain time. Someone who will know that if you don't answer something is wrong. So because of this you are less likely to act on any of the serious urges because you will be found out.

Give your self something to look forward to. I'm not saying book a holiday every low period you have. But perhaps book a ticket to a show, drive to the coast for the day, plan something with friends such as going for dinner or a walk. Even plan a night in pampering yourself. Get face packs, deep conditioning treatment for your hair and some candles and get into the bath with some of your favourite music on. Do nice things for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

An important thing to remember is avoid alcohol. You have been doing so much better since you have not been drinking as much. You can't handle alcohol any more and you are having 2 days of physical hang over and then a week or so after of feeling lower and struggle more. If you drink you are more likely to act on impulse and perhaps do something you may regret after. Or even kill yourself if you don't really mean to. Think back to March/April 2013 and how you nearly died. How awful the experience was. Waking up and being on a ventilator and them removing it while you are awake. The not being able to breathe and them forcing a mask on to your face to force air in to you. The physical effects of it like the pain you had in your neck on shoulder that left you in tears every morning for a good few weeks after, the painful physio you had to have, how you lost your voice and even 8 months after it is still not back to normal and you are undergoing treatment for that.

Remember how it all affected your relationships with your family. What it put them through. How many times have you tried to kill yourself now? Too many to count and it's not worked has it. So, the chances of you going through something like that again if you do anything are quite high. So don't do it. You have said before, you can't go through that again.

It may feel that even if you continue to do all these things and are trying to come out of it that it is not doing anything. But, it probably is. Remember what your CPN said to you last time. You were doing all these things and still not feeling that better. But she said, it probably is doing something and if you weren't doing them you would probably be in hospital by now. You would have probably have acted on the urges and either be very ill or under a section. Also, it was a relatively quick episode wasn't it. At it's worst it was only for a couple of weeks. In the past it could have lasted months. It's not permanent. You need to ensure you keep doing all you do when things are better and it will pass quicker.

It will probably feel as though you have gone back to where you started from. But you haven't. You can deal with it and you have in the past. Each time you have dealt with it it has been a bit easier. Keep doing what you have been doing and it will make it easier.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

See you on the other side :-)

Today I Feel....

Happy.

Yes, I actually feel happy.

So it would seem I have come out of the depression. Yay. And I have been shopping and brought 7 new dresses, a denim jacket and a leather jacket and they are all in a 14-16. Not bad to say I was a 20 only a few months back.

So off to spin now and will write a post in a bit about therapy and also a letter. Busy night planned tonight.

:-)

Not Sure What To Do.

For the first time ever I am thinking about cancelling the psychology session on Tuesday. I don't really want to go. After last time I came away feeling worse and pissed off. I have been thinking maybe I just need some time away from it. I have had a weeks break as he was off and I was away for a few days. But maybe I need more time to re evaluate things.

I reckon part of not wanting to go was because I was pissed off at him and he made me feel bad. I was venting and ranting on about how shit I was feeling and how I was struggling to cope and he came out with how perhaps it wasn't working for me anymore and maybe we were wasting our time. I got the feeling he was pissed off at me and had had enough. I do feel better since that appointment and looking back I needed him to tell me how I had done well and things had changed for me and that perhaps while I was feeling so bad it was hard to be objective and have a positive view point. I can see that now. But at the time it was hard to see that. It is hard to see how things have changed when you feel shit as all you can see is how you feel. Not what is different as at the end of the day you still feel shit and are still having the really destructive thoughts.

I know he is not a mind reader, and at the time I didn't even know that was what I needed. I must be a really frustrating person to work with. I frustrate myself with my own thinking patterns and the thoughts that go through my head. So, I am bound to be doing it to someone else. And to be honest, if I am I don't want to be seeing them as I don't want to feel as though whenever I rant and vent I am pissing that other person off. So what do I do? Keep quiet and not say how I am really feeling and what thoughts have been going through my mind to avoid that feeling that people are pissed off with me. Or keep going as I am? I don't think I can win either way so perhaps maybe I shouldn't be going anymore.

I don't know what to do.

So yeah, I have been feeling better these last few days. I did something which was a massive achievement for me the other day. Something that a few months ago I would have never have been able to do. I would have probably had a heart attack trying. And to actually do it showed me that I have achieved something over the past few months and that things can get better with that. I was quite emotional at having done it as well. And it's made me want to do more of the same. It's given me a good feeling.

I have also booked a big trip with the girls for next year so it is something to look forward to. Which helps a lot as well. It gives me a focus and a reason for not letting things spiral out of control. I think before that was an unconscious thought that was that there wasn't much point, I had nothing to look forward to, nothing was going right for me and I had nothing in general. I have changed that.

Don't get me wrong, there are still the massive urges to SH. But I haven't in about a week now. The suicidal thoughts still come in but I am managing to dull them. And I think that the hallucinations I was having were possibly due to lack of sleep. That has improved loads since I had Zopiclone and have managed to get in to more of a routine with it. It's little things that have changed. I also realised I hadn't taken my medication in over 2 weeks. So maybe the pathetic low dose I am on of that is having some affect.

My team are all getting together next week to discuss me again. My CPN wants me to go but I have said no. I am seeing her on Friday so I am sure she will fill me in on what has gone off in it.

So, I have the decision to make whether or not I should go on Tuesday and whether or not I should continue with the psychologist. What should I do?

Alive

Just a quick one to say I am ok. I haven't posted in a while as I have been away for a few days. I have had a couple of emails asking if I was ok and wasn't able to reply to them while I was away. Feeling a lot better than I was and have managed to not self harm since Monday evening. So that's good for me.

Anyway, I am ok. I am alive and I hadn't done anything.

Stigma

As someone who wants to work in mental health I should be a person who stands up against the stigma and discrimination that people with mental health problems are subjected to.

I've even been subjected to stigma myself. The worst was actually by someone in the mental health nursing profession (This is the main incident in which I am referring to - in which the complaint went my way and he was disciplined). Yet, even though I am really against stigmatising people with a mental health condition or discriminating against them. I won't talk or be open about my own mental health problems.

There has been quite a few things in the press recently which would serve to increase the stigma that people with mental health conditions are subjected to. Namely the TESCO/ASDA/Amazon mental patient costume (BBC News article), the Sun news paper's head line (Re-blog of Masked AMHP's piece on it) and today I have seen that Thorpe Park are having an Asylum Themed Halloween event (Purple Persuasion's Letter to Thorpe Park). Well, I am a "mental patient". I have spent much time in hospital. One admission lasting nearly a year with the majority of this being spent on a PICU because I was deemed such a high risk to myself that I needed this level of care and that I was so unwell I warranted it. But as bad as it is. I am not willing to stand up publicly and tell people about my MH problems.

I am very private when it comes to my mental health. I hide behind a pseudo name, I have a pseudo name Facebook account and none of my friends or family have access to this blog. A couple do know I write and I have been asked if they could read it but it was a no and it always will be. I think that privacy comes in in all different areas of my life as well. I don't want people knowing my business. OK, weird I know. I write a blog and bare all. But, only two people who read this know who I actually am. They are both people I know through blogging and have felt I have had enough communication with them that I can trust them enough to revel the real me to them. I have met up with one of the people (we did kind of actually know each other before but knew each other more from reading each others blogs and we then figured out we kind of knew each other...bit weird - Hi La Reve). But no, I am very reserved about it and wouldn't want people who know me to have access to this. I think it would be very distressing for them to read at times with the thoughts I have and the feelings I have at times. The less they know the better. I do have worries about even having these 2 people knowing who I actually am and contacting either my family or someone in my team as it wouldn't exactly be hard to track someone down.

One thing I have noticed recently is the amount of people on Facebook that bare all. I wouldn't want my brother's friend's wife, a cousin's friend, someone I haven't seen since primary school knowing I was in hospital, in crisis etc. I wouldn't want these people knowing I spent such a long time in hospital etc etc etc. OK, it could be argued why I have people as friends who I am not particularly close to, but these are people I do associate with quite regularly or I care how they are doing and Facebook is a way to keep in contact with them even if I am not seeing them very often. I wouldn't be posting on there about how the hallucinations are getting to me, that the urges to SH are strong, that I have not got out of bed that day etc etc etc. I do feel that some things should remain private. I don't want my ex work colleagues to know what is going on with me.

Why is that? Is it because I am ashamed? Possibly. But there is part of me that believes that there are some things that people just don't need to know. I think if I had a physical illness I would probably be the same. Ok, so I do moan when I have a cold or cough, if I haven't slept because of the neighbours, if I feel generally unwell. But you wouldn't get me posting about something serious. I don't like to draw attention to my self. I don't like being the centre of attention. I am not saying that is why there are people that do this. But, for me it would draw a lot of attention and it's not what I want. I want to be the wall flower not getting much notice. I think this is one of the reasons I don't want to go to this meeting about me. My CPN said it's on the 31st and I could go if I wanted and she would encourage it. But, no, I'm not going.

(On the note of my CPN, I called her this morning about the medication issue. I said I didn't get why I was on such a low dose and that I didn't think it would be doing anything because it was a pathetic dose. That combined with that the contraceptive pill makes it less effective would mean that I am taking nothing more than a sweetener pill. She said she would speak to Dr T about it at that meeting on the 31st, but, she didn't think he would change is view point as he doesn't like prescribing medication and he feels in my case it is not helpful and that he is only doing it because I have said it is helpful. I don't know on this one. Maybe it's that part of me that wants to take the ownership away from me and can have an outside blame if I am taking medication. That I can say that well I'm on medication so it must be something that is beyond my control if I need medication. I do know when I was on Quetiapine and Depakote things were better for me. Well, I know I took the massive OD in April that nearly killed me, but I think I was more stable on it. Who knows. Maybe it's just my own opinion. And we all know that matters fuck all! Anyway...)

If I can't be honest and open about my own problems, how do I expect the stigma around mental health to reduce when I keep mine all hush hush like a guilty secret. It's not going to change is it when I won't speak out about it. I posted something accidentally the other day on my personal facebook about mental health. It was up less than a minute but I was really worrying about who would have seen it. I was worried because a few posts of mine recently have been MH related in terms of stigma that people receive. That people would think "she must have MH problems" and then I was worried that people would think badly of me. I got quite paranoid about it.

I will stand here and admit that I do not help the stigma. Yet, I am against it. It's contradictory isn't it? But, I am not willing to change the way that I am about my own health. I will stand up for others and I do get very annoyed by the stigma that people receive when the Sun runs with headlines such as 1200 people killed by mental patients. I'm a "mental patient" therefore I have this underlying deep urge to run out and stab someone in the neck numerous times.

Perhaps some of this comes from my schemas of unrelenting standards and failure where shame plays a big part. Maybe it's something I need to focus on through the SFT. I think first though I need to have it out with G about what was said on Tuesday and tell him I was pissed off after the session. I am glad we are having this week off as I think if I had to go back Tuesday I would have cancelled the appointment due to "illness". Ooooo...how insightful of me.

CPN Called

She called as soon as I posted the last blog post. I told her how much I was struggling and that the self harm was happening on pretty much a daily basis, sometimes  more than once a a day.

She asked me if I had a plan or if I had thought about how I would end it. I said I couldn't talk about it at the moment and she asked if it was because my nephew was there or because I didn't want to. I said it was both. I have never told them what my plans are or what my thoughts are when it comes to thinking about it. I just said it is going round and round in my head and I am struggling to escape it.

I said I was worried that the weekend was going to be bad for me as I couldn't arrange to see anyone as everyone was busy and that I didn't have any money at all spare so I can't even go to the local coffee shop and sit with a book. I can't even afford bus fare so I can't go anywhere really. I have little petrol left in my car but I really need to make that last.

She said I am doing all I can at the moment and I am dealing with it so well compared to how I have done in the past. I said it's all well and good being told that but when I still feel the same I wonder why I should keep making the effort to continue to do things when it is actually going anything. She said we didn't know that, that if I wasn't doing these things I may not have held on for as long as I have and I could be in hospital right now. Is that a chance I am willing to take. At the moment no. I don't want to be in hospital and it can make things worse for me.

This is the longest I have spent out of hospital since August 2011. But if things continue the way they are I will either be dead or back in there. That's not what I want, well to end up back in there. The dead thing. Well, I am not actually to sure about that. I see it as a better thing than being how I am now. But perhaps there is still some being not sure. While I have that not sure I will not do anything. But, it doesn't stop me planning for when it does get to that stage.

Took a sleeping pill last night and it did make me sleep better. But, I am not feeling the slightest bit better. But it was one night, maybe I need more.

She asked me if crisis team should be involved and I said that at the moment that that would probably be a good idea. I asked if they would be able to visit on Sunday. She said she would ask them. She said they would be calling me Saturday to see how I am and arrange a time to visit if I still wanted it.

I told her I was pissed off with uni and how I felt hard done by on certain things. I feel as though I have been treated differently to some body else who has been in a similar position and was in hospital. She said here I was needing crisis support at the moment and having all these thoughts, how do I think I would have been if I was at uni? Would this crisis have happened? I don't know. I am not totally sure what has brought it on. Perhaps some of it is not being able to go back to uni, perhaps some of it is the cold dark weather, the not sleeping. I don't know. It could be, it could be all or some.It could be none. I am never sure what brings things on, if anything brings it on. I said to her I know uni had made the right decision, I wasn't ready to go back. But only I knew that really. All the evidence they had pointed towards being able to go back, especially with the report from G. It would have been 10 months of being stable before starting placement, and they were saying that this was not long enough. It pisses me off. Even if I am in no position to be doing the course at the moment, they don't know that. As far as they are aware I have been fine since April, but no, this is not long enough for me.

I'm going to call her back today. I want to question why I am on such a low dose of this medication when it can be given up to 400mg for people with similar disorders. If the contraceptive pill makes the medication less effective then surly I should be on a higher dose?

Friday 17th October

I went to my GP and I got some sleeping pills to last me a week. Hopefully that will help me get some sleep and feel rested. I can then tackle how I am feeling. I am hoping that a few decent nights sleep will get me feeling quite a bit better.

Last night I lay in bed hours before managing to get to sleep and all that was going through my mind was how I could kill myself and make it look like an accident. All these things going through my mind such as falling from a height, getting hit by a car, getting stabbed or something. Just all these things going round and round in my head.

I told my GP that the thoughts had returned and I was feeling quite shit in myself. She said she was going to contact my CPN and speak to her about it. I said there wasn't much point as they knew what was going on for me and there wasn't a lot that they could do. She said about increasing my medication and I said I had seen the doctor on Tuesday and he said he wasn't going to do that. What gets me though is they are currently doing a study looking in to the effects on people with BPD and traits such as myself. I was reading a bit about this and it says up to 300mg of Lamotrigine can be prescribed. 400mg where the person is taking the contraceptive pill. I am. Apparently the CP reduces the effects of the lamotrigine. I am only on 50mg. So basically I may as well only be taking a sweetener tablet as it's not going to be doing anything. I may as well just stop taking it.

I really feel like telling the lot of them to fuck off. But I don't know how much of that is to do with how I am feeling right now and if I am not looking at it in the right way. If I am being too hasty and not making a decision with my head. I can't help but think part of my thinking is how it was back in 2011 when I told them I would not engage and I didn't want anything to do with them, this ended up with me getting sectioned. Not the best move. So I am scared that if I do tell them all to leave me alone that it is going to head down that path again. So, I feel as though I am being forced in to it.

I was supposed to speak with my CPN today but I missed her calls. I tried calling her back but I think she must now be out of the office. I suppose she will call me tomorrow.

I don't know what to do really. I am worried about the weekend and how it's going to be for me. I know I can't do anything tonight as I have said I will look after my nephew all day tomorrow. He's helping me keep my mind occupied and I would never do anything while either of them are around. So I know I won't do anything tonight. But come tomorrow evening until Tuesday I am not expected to be anywhere or see anyone. I have tried to organise things with people so I feel as though I have some commitment and so that people expect to see me and they would know something was wrong if I just didn't show. But no one is available. Maybe I should ask for a crisis team visit?

Anyway, I am just moaning now, like usual.

A Mess So I'm Having A Moan.

I am in a bit of a state. I feel so low. I am having massive urges and I don't quite know what to do. I am going to a spin class later to try and tire myself out so I sleep. I do want to go, I really enjoy Wednesday spin as the music she has on is brilliant. I am hoping that combined with that and the circuits class I will have some endorphins released to make me feel a bit less low.

I am not sure why I feel like this. Maybe it's the not being allowed to go back to uni. Some kind of delayed response. I started to feel on a downer at the beginning of September and it's just been getting worse. Perhaps it's the weather. When it was sunny and hot I was out more during the day even if it was just walking down to my local park with a book. I don't have much money at the moment so I can't really go anywhere during the day. I am keeping active though and exercising 4-5 times a week. I am eating well (most the time bar the binges). I am doing everything my team have told me to do. But, it is not working.

I am not sure if I should call anyone from my team but I am not sure what or if there is anything they can do. I am going to see my GP tomorrow but I will have my nephew with me so it's not like I can say much as I don't want to risk him repeating anything to anyone.

The thoughts of ending it are at the forefront of my mind. They are there a lot of the time. They are strong. If I did anything I would have to be sure it would work. I can't go through what I went through in April again. I am still not over the physical side effects from it. I am under investigation at the hospital for things which have come about because I was unconscious for so long with a tube down my throat. Then there are the nightmares I have still about having the tube down my throat and not being able to move at all. The hallucinations I was having those first couple of nights after and having to be sedated by the team in ITU because I was getting so worked up because I didn't believe I was in hospital and that they had moved me to some weird place.

Then of course I have had to live with the after effects of how my family responded and how my friends were affected by it. Not so long a go my friend was nearly in tears when she was talking about it. We were drunk and emotions were running high, but it's the first time any of my friends have really spoke to me about it.

I can't go through all that.

I wish it had have worked then. I don't think I have it in me to do anything like that again. I am not brave enough. So that means I have to go on living like this.

Anyway, in my benefit scrounging scummy life, I have most the days free unless I have appointments or classes to get to. I am looking for volunteer work to try and do something more. I am meeting with someone in a couple of weeks to help me with it. References are my problem at the moment as they want someone who knows what I am like in a professional role. I haven't been in a professional role for years. No one knows me like that. I was moaning about it to Dr T yesterday and he said he would write me a reference. While that's really nice of him, I don't think it's quite what they are looking for. Besides, I want to keep it all separate. I don't want my professional life and personal life crossing over.

Anyway, so in my nothing day today and due to not having any money I have stayed in until it is time to go to Spin. I recorded a program on channel 5 that was on the other night called On Benefits and Proud (click on the link to watch On Demand). So I have just watched that. It makes me so angry and it also worries me about the perception people may have of me. I am living off benefits at the moment and probably will be for another year or so. I worry that people will think I am scrounging and that I haven't really been ill and am not now. Mental illness is not a physical illness that people can see. And so I worry if people think I am faking, that I am just another benefit scrounger.

But, it does annoy me how much money is being given to people who just refuse to work. That don't use anything in terms of birth control as they know that popping out a few kids will give them more money. OK, some people do have kids because they can shower them in love and give them the love they deserve, but there are people who bring kids in to the world because of what having kids will get them. I get that it is a persons right to be able to have children. But surly when you have 6,7,8+ kids, can you really give each child the love and attention they deserve?

The government is not making it worth while people getting jobs. It was saying on the program that they would need to be earning 30k a year plus. More than the national average. So, how someone with no qualifications and no work experience is going to get this, it's anyone's guess. So, why should these people get a job when they can get more money not working. I don't know exactly how the benefit system works here. But, perhaps people should have their benefits reduced by so much for every month they are out of work. And then when they are in work their money is topped up so they then get how much they were getting when they were on benefit. That way they are more able to get a job related to their skills and qualifications and work their way up. They wouldn't need to have this unrealistic expectation of getting a job at entry level that pays 30k a year plus.

If they aren't able to find work then be in some kind of training etc so that they can gain skills.

That's just my ideal. I'm probably totally wrong.

Psychology Session and Doctors Appointment - 15/10/13

I don't know what to make of things.

The session with G didn't go great. I told him how I was feeling and how I was so sick of going round in the same cycle. How I would feel bad, the urges would come in thick and fast, I would then start self harming again, the self harming gets more serious, I start to think how if I was dead I wouldn't have to put up with all of this, I start thinking of ways in which I could try and kill myself, I plan. Currently I am somewhere between ways and planning.

I said how my way of thinking about very nearly dying in April has changed. I did come round to the idea that it was a good thing I pulled through and how I came so close scared me. But now I am thinking that I was close and with a little tweaking I could make it work.

So he asked me why I came to appointments. I said that it felt good to talk to someone about it who didn't flap when I tell them I am self harming and am having suicidal thoughts. That I hate being like this, and that I would like to have another way out rather than killing myself as that is the way it is heading.

I don't know how we got around to it but we started talking about how if I want something I go after it and get it. I am quite a determined person. He asked me what type of things so I said things like a job that I wanted, a promotion, getting through my A-levels in to uni and then getting on to the MA. I won't back down until I get what I want. So he asked me what about the self harm. As if I wanted to stop, why haven't I? I was a bit stumped really. What do I say to that? But then he answered for me. He said because it's a negative. In that I don't have any physical gain from it. I suppose he was right.

He said he isn't really sure why we are meeting any more as I don't seem to be getting anywhere. From what I have said there has not been any improvements, things are still the same. He said he doesn't know how he can help me and he is not sure what he is doing. He was not sure if we should continue to work together any more as perhaps it's not working. He said that he knows I avoid a lot of things and that perhaps I am avoiding saying how I feel about things and I don't want the confrontation/awkward conversation to say how I feel and that I am just going a long with it because I feel I have to. I said that if I didn't feel I was getting anything from it I wouldn't come every week. I would cancel appointments here there and everywhere and not bother. But I have never done that. I have attended all but one appointment and that was when I was in ICU unconscious. I can't pin point exactly what I get from it, but I must be getting something to still go to the appointments.

So how was I feeling? I was actually quite pissed off. I don't think I showed it, maybe I should have said though. People have told me for so long that therapy is what I need to do. I need to be honest and engage. So I have been. I have said I will do what they want me to do, and I have. All this time people have been saying this is what you need, this is what you need to do and now the psychologist is saying that perhaps it isn't working and perhaps we should not continue to work together any more. So what will help me? What would work?

I asked him that and he said he wasn't sure. He said I needed to work on acceptance as he thinks that me coming to the understanding of what recovery means could be a factor in why things are like they are now. I agreed with this as for me it's not good enough. I did get a bit annoyed and asked if this isn't helping what would? I need to work on acceptance before I can move forward. So how do I do that? He said that it's a very personal thing and everyone is different. That was helpful!

He says he has an idea of what would work but I have said I wouldn't do it. I don't know what he meant by this and I should have asked him what he meant. For so long they told me I need to do DBT and yes, I was against it. For many reasons that I won't go in to again. But eventually they wore me down and I said I would give it a go. So I had to have this assessment for it and then they turned round and said actually no, we don't think you would be suitable for it, it wouldn't meet your needs. Well I could have told them that. But, I decided I would be open to it.

I have kept trying and coming back to Mindfulness. That I can't get on with. They do keep saying how they want me to do it as it will mean that I can become more accepting of the thoughts etc. I have written it off completely in the past, but I have looked in to doing a course on it but it's full and I am unlikely to get on to it. But, yeah, if i could do it, I'll give it another go.

I honestly feel as if I am untreatable and that they are going to give up on me. On one hand I have them saying that medication is not the answer that they have assessed my notes and it seems as though that most of them at first have worked but have not been sustainable, the one I am on now seems to be having the best affect on me. In that the period I was ok, was the best I have been in years. So they are not going to change that. That it is the therapy I need. And then I have G saying he doesn't think it's working and perhaps we should consider stopping. So, this is it. This is how things will always be. Things are not going to get better. I am sure I shouldn't come out of a therapy session and be having really strong suicidal urges. Surly, it should be making me feel better.

So a couple of hours after the psychology session I had a meeting with Dr T. I was dreading going as it usually makes me feel so angry and worse. But, while it didn't make me feel better, it didn't make me feel worse.

I told him how I was feeling and that the thoughts and behaviours were back. I didn't mention anything of today's psychology session as I don't really like talking to one about the other as it all goes in my notes and I don't want to be seen as playing them off against each other or being manipulative. Having a diagnosis of PD traits I am aware that people can see you as being manipulative. "Oh, they've got PD traits, they must be a manipulative person". I'm not in the slightest. When I was at the first PICU, the one I didn't get on at I was told I was being manipulative and was trying to play staff off against each other. It really upset me as I wasn't and hated that this person thought that of me. Well, I actually hated this person, he is the one I put a complaint in against which basically I won. Anyway, the diagnosis and the way people perceive me is a massive thing for me so I am really conscious of what I do so I am not perceived in a bad light. I got access to my notes after a while of being in hospital while I was on the second PICU and I was quite upset about it. I asked a couple of people if they had that opinion of me and they said far from it. I have mentioned it to G before and he has said not either. But, I wonder how much they are telling me what I want to hear. Not sure if they would do that though?

Yeah, anyway, I didn't tell him about what was said today. All Dr T was going on about were how important my sessions with G were, how beneficial they have been to me and that he could see that since April until recently I have been my best and that I should be happy as I have made progress. He was going on and on about it.

So on one hand I have G saying he doesn't think it's working and then the other Dr T saying it's what I need. I think they need to get together.

I am wondering though if G is saying these things to rail me. To make me see ways in which it has worked. To basically make me get a fuck you attitude. Reverse psychology in a way. But then, maybe he's just had enough of me. I've been working with him now coming up to 2 years. I'd have had enough of me. I have had enough of me. But he has seen a lot from me. We will be getting somewhere then I do get all negative again and can't see the positives. I forget what work and what good I have done. He does annoy me at times. The way in which he asks why I haven't done something. He will ask me why I haven't self harmed, or why I haven't killed my self yet. I know it isn't, but there is part of me that thinks when he asks that he is thinking "what the fuck, just kill yourself already". Save him from an hour of me each week.

I am not seeing G now for 2 weeks. But, I think I need to tell him how I feel about this and ask him where we are going and tell him I do want to continue to see him and I need his help. I think when I feel like this it is hard to see any positives. You get swallowed by the negatives and that is all you can see. I don't think I explained that to him.

I have given in and booked a GP appointment to discuss my sleep and get some sleeping pills. I have averaged less than 4 hours a night for the last week. It was one of the things that was discussed today. It is really getting to me now. At first I wasn't getting worked up by it as I knew I could function. But as time has gone on it has got worse and I can't really function properly. I can't concentrate on anything and I feel so horrible. So, a trip to the GP it is. I can ask her about my chest (think I have asthma) and my wrist (think it's arthritis) while I am there. I hate going to the doctor so when I do I go with a whole host of different problems.

This has gotten quite long and I have been writing it on and off over about 4 hours.

A Bit of Insight

I've had a bit of insight as to why I possibly may swallow things.

Tonight I have eaten crap. I have basically binged on crap and feel very sick. I do recognise now, that in myself that, that in itself is a form of self harm for me. But, after, I was aware of this feeling that I needed to punish myself for doing it. It stuck with me for a while.

So I swallowed.

I don't know if it is always like that. If that's always the reason. But it was tonight. It's not like I want it to do anything to me. I do worry after. But then if I did it would be like a punishment.

I am following a fat club plan at the moment. So far with diet and exercise I have lost 14kg. That's around 2.5 stone or in lbs, 35lb. To get my BMI to within a normal range I need to lose about another 18kg. So I am not even half way yet. But, to be honest I would be happy being a UK size 14. I'm about an 18 on bottom and 16 on top now. I'm 5'8. Or 172cm. So I think to get there I would need to lose another 2 stone.

I've never spoke to anyone before about how my weight bothers me and how it makes me feel. I don't know why. I think it comes down to the psychologist being a bloke.

I need to get back on it tomorrow. I need to make sure I have a week of no alcohol, no going over on points and lots of exercise. Not like this last week has been.

Anyway, just wanted to write about that little bit of insight I have had.

Feeling Horrible.

I feel awful. I feel so low and so run down. My sleep is awful at the moment and it has now caught up on me.

At the psychology session last week I was asked to keep a sleep diary. I've done that and I have not had more than 5 hours on any one night. I have been averaging around 3. It's really getting me down.

It doesn't help that I had 2 nights drinking on Thursday and then again on Friday. It really does affect me. I didn't used to notice it that much when I was drinking quite a lot but having really cut down and only drinking maybe once or twice a month, if I have a lot then I really notice how shit I feel after.

But, considering how shit I am feeling anyway, I have not done anything too serious. Yes, I have swallowed a few times this week. But I know in the past when I have been feeling like I have been, when I have had a drink I have gone and done something quite impulsive and usually very serious. But, I didn't. So, ok, maybe I shouldn't be basking in the glory of not doing something serious when I have been doing stuff that they class as serious anyway.

My sleep thing is really getting on top of me. It's not the not being able to sleep in itself. Most the time I can feel ok while I am laying in a warm dark place, it's the affects of the not having slept which is getting to me. I say most the time I feel ok while I am lying there, sometimes I am getting quite bad hallucinations that bother me. I will lay under the covers with the duvet over my head and at times it is as though someone is pulling at the duvet, and that's quite scary. That has only happened a couple of times. I am hearing things though sometimes when I am just lying there. My name being shouted and someone whistling. At first I thought the whistling was coming from upstairs but even when I moved rooms it was still at the same level. It does scare me, but, not like it used to.

I ended things with M. I felt bad for doing so but when every time I was supposed to see him I had can't be arsed with this feelings I took that as an indicator that things were not good and that I should give it up. I think he was a bit upset. Well, from what I could make out from the text messages as I told him through text message. I know, harsh. But, we had only been on 6 dates, it is not as though we were serious. He wanted to see me again that evening and said if we saw each other more often then I may feel different, but I didn't want to. I wasn't really attracted to him.

I don't know why I keep swallowing things. Because, I do worry when I have done it. I have been going to the gym quite a bit and working on my abs which at times can make my stomach area sore. I get these pains and I start to worry it's the start of something and I get a bit freaked out. But, then I go and do it again anyway. Why? And that's not something I can talk to G about as then it will be openly admitting I have been swallowing things and that would open a whole can of worms.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. And Dr T in the afternoon. Not looking forward to that. Dr T always makes me so angry, he doesn't listen to me and I feel he discounts anything I have to say. I don't know why I bother going.

Was supposed to be at the gym tonight doing some damage control after the shit food week I have had. I know now I will feel even more shit tomorrow when I weigh as I will have gained for sure. But, I really couldn't face going. I am so tired and have no energy what so ever.

Psychology Session - 8th October 2013.

We mainly talked about sleep today. He had me do this questionnaire which looked at my problems and it came out that I have a severe sleep problem at the moment. Which could be the reason why I am having a hard time at the moment controlling the urges and then acting on them. Sleep is very important to me and can have a huge affect on the way in which I am. But me not sleeping properly can also be an indication that something is wrong. I want to avoid pills as I hate the way they make me feel the next day. I have a hang over on them which means I get lazy and then eat crap/ This then makes me feel bad as I have been lazy and eaten crap, and feel like I have failed at my healthy diet/living plan. So, I really want to avoid taking pills.

I'm trying not to let the sleep thing get to me. I know I can function without it so it's just the boredom that gets me. G said if I am not able to drop off within about 15 minutes I should get up. But, it's warm in bed. I'm not stressing while I am lying there so I think I must be getting some benefit of the quiet time. In the past I have got quite frustrated when I can't sleep. But, I ensure that I try not to get wound up by it. I suppose if I was working or at uni it would be different, but at the moment I don't have any commitments and so it doesn't really matter if I am tired and can't function as well the next day. Although saying that it is having some affect on me. I have very nearly had a couple of accidents while driving in the last week. Things I have never done before and really shook me up. I nearly pulled in front of a van that I didn't see until the last second but was only inches away from hitting it. And then the other day I ended up wandering lanes on a round about and nearly ended up with someone hitting me as I cut them up. I'm usually a good driver. I've never had an accident and I am usually on the ball. But I have struggled to concentrate on it. It's not just driving, it's things like reading, watching TV etc. I am struggling to follow anything as I don't have the concentration. So not sure what to do really.

We then moved on to self harm. He asked me if I had done anything and I had said just blood letting. So we got talking about what the SH does for me. I then went on to say how there was part of me that didn't see the cutting, blood letting, swallowing as a problem. He stopped me and said that they way that I had said that would indicate it would be something I had been doing. So I basically said I am always going to say it's something I haven't done as of what will have to be done if I admit to doing it. He said that he was going to take that as an admission that I had been doing it. So, I'll probably be getting a phone call from my CPN tomorrow telling me how I need to go to the hospital etc etc etc.

He said that if I didn't see it as a problem why do I continue to see him and what can he do for me. I said while I didn't see it as a problem, there was part of me that knew it was and knew that I shouldn't be doing it and that it will probably make me worse in the long time. I said how I didn't want to live like this. Yeah, fair enough I know now that things will probably get better, but at the same time I know I will be back here again. I don't know how long I will be here for and I am doing everything they tell me to do and have told me to do in the past, like making sure I see friends, going out, being healthy, exercise etc etc etc. But none of that is really making a difference. I am still coming home at night and then self harming. Most days I am swallowing something now. Sooner or later something will go wrong and once that happens that will probably lead to me being on a psych ward again. So yet again I am having strong suicidal thoughts and I am not sure how I can deal with them. I am being careful so that I don't end up impulsively acting on them. By this I mean I am not drinking at the moment and I am making sure I don't have my meds in sight. I am also trying to avoid anything that could trigger it off. But, it's still there and still strong. Not sure what to do about them.

Also, I have started seeing things again. Not a regular thing like it was before but a few times I have seen faces in the window and things moving. I have heard my name being shouted also. It really freaks me out. It's been going on for the last few days. I didn't mention it today but I probably should have done.

I told G about the guy I have been seeing, M. I've not mentioned it on here yet either. So here I go.

I first met M a few weeks ago. Had a date and it went ok. He seemed a nice guy, but very quiet. So since then we have now been on 5 dates. But, I am not sure if I like him. Well, I would go as far as saying I am not attracted to him and at the moment don't want anything more than friendship with him. But, there are a couple of things here. I am not sure if I feel like this because of the way that I am now. Is it me? I mean that possibly I am scared to let my self feel something for someone as I have this fear that I will get hurt in the end. Or, that because of the way things are going now for me I am worried they will spiral again and I don't want to bring someone in to it. On the other hand, it could just be that I am just not that in to him. I get the feeling he is a lot more in to me than I am him.

But, here is the other thing. The thing I haven't mentioned to G. I haven't slept with anyone in over 3 years. It's been 2 years since I was last in anything close to a relationship with someone. So, understandably, I am terrified of going to bed with someone again. There is the whole scar thing as well.

It sounds awful, but I have considered using M to get over that whole fear thing. Get it over with etc. My friend thinks it is a good idea. I've not obviously mentioned to my Mum this, but I have said that I felt that he was more in to me, than me him. So I got a bit of a lecture from her about not hurting him and not letting him fall for me if I wasn't keen etc. And she's right isn't she? It would be awful. It would be a really bitchy thing to do and I am not that kind of person. So I can't really do that can I?

But, I must admit, I really do like the idea of being in a relationship with someone again. I like the idea of cosy nights in, cuddles on the sofa, having someone to share with, having someone to go out with. But, I have to keep in mind that while that is all a nice idea I need to make sure it's with a person I like. Don't get me wrong, I do like M, but at the moment I am just not feeling it. Perhaps I need to give it a few more dates and just see where things go and see how things develop.

What I basically said to G was how I wasn't sure where these feelings were coming from and I didn't really know what to do. In the past if i wasn't in to a guy if we had only been on one or two dates I would just ignore them and not arrange anything else. But with M, I owe him more than that. He is a nice guy, I like him, I would owe it to him to give him an explanation. So G said in the past I had been typical of me and avoiding a tough situation. I suppose I was. Oh well.

Do you think after 5 dates I should know more about how I feel towards someone?

Re Blogged From The Masked AMHP... The Sun Newspaper.

This is a re blog of a post from the Masked AMHP. He has put it so much better than me..

The Sun and Mental Health -- That Front Page

The Sun’s full page headline today (7th October 2013) states baldly “1,200 killed by mental patients”. The number 1,200 is in red letters 2 ½ inches high. In tiny letters to the side of this headline is the admission that this figure was the total over a decade.

It’s hard to know where to start in a dissection of this report.

That huge red number is clearly intended to alarm. One has to conclude that the Sun wishes to suggest that its readers are all at risk of being murdered in their beds by homicidal maniacs.

The Sun’s use of the term “mental patients” is not only deliberate use of a term with pejorative implications, but also implies that there are two sorts of people: “normal” people (Sun readers perhaps?) and “mental” people, people who are unpredictable and potentially dangerous.

Having emblazoned its front page with this frightening statement, the Sun’s “full story” is buried on pages 6 and 7. It begins: “A Sun investigation today reveals disturbing failings in Britain’s mental health system that have allowed high-risk patients to kill 1,200 in a decade.”

The article is fringed by 12 brief accounts of people who have been murdered by “mental patients” over the last few years.

So where did the Sun obtain these figures? It mentions “a ManchesterUniversity study”. This can only be the Annual Report The National Confidential Inquiry into Suicideand Homicide by People with Mental Illness, published by the University of  Manchester in July 2013.

The Sun’s “probe” (their word), must have taken all of 30 seconds before finding this study, which was published 3 months previously in July. Community Care published a thoughtful article back on 5thJuly 2013, headlining their article with a quote from the Report saying: “The number of homicides committed by mental health patients has fallen ‘to its lowest level for a decade’.” The writer of this report, Julian Hendy, goes on to express skepticism of some of the figures.

The Sun reports that 122 people a year on average were killed by “mental patients”. This would appear to have been lifted from Community Care’s article.

The Sun goes on to lay the blame for these figures on “the slashing of budgets for mental health care”. They quote Marjorie Wallace of SANE as saying that “homicide figures may not have increased in decades – but significantly they have not declined either.”

So what does the University of Manchester report actually say?

Right at the beginning of the report, it is stated: “Homicide by mental health patients has fallen substantially since a peak in 2006, and the figures for the most recent confirmed years, 2009-2010, are the lowest since we began data collection in 1997”.

Although the report acknowledges that some of its statistics may be incomplete, it does say “it is likely that this is a true fall in patient homicide”.

Already, this seems to be factually at odds with the Sun’s report. While I do not wish to minimise the potential effects of recent cutbacks to spending on mental health, in this case, recent changes in mental health legislation and delivery are given as a possible explanation for this reduction, citing the use of CTO’s as a potential factor.

Another failing of the Sun’s “probe” is to place these figures in any sort of context. The Office of National Statistics provides illuminating statistics for overall numbers of homicides.

It gives statistics going back to 1960 for homicides initially recorded by the police. The long term graph shows a gradual increase in homicides from 282 in 1960 to a peak of 1047 in 2002-3. Since then, there has been a steep fall to around half of that peak.

Taking the ONS statistics, it can be seen that during the 10 year period from 2001-2011 on which the Sun bases its figures, there were a total of 7926 homicides. This compares with the figure of 1220 homicides committed by mental health patients quoted by the Sun and Julian Hendy. In other words, a little over 15% of homicides were committed by people who were known patients of mental health services. To put it another way, 85% of murders were committed by people who weren’t “mental patients”.

But I suppose the headline: “You’re 6 times more likely to be killed by a “normal” person than someone with mental health problems” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Changes Are Coming.

And no, I'm not really happy about them as I don't like change.

My CPN came round today. I told her how I was really struggling and that I had been having quite a few urges. She asked me about what G had asked me to do about writing down a pros and cons list of self harm when I wanted to do it. I said it hadn't really helped as in a way I just reinforced my own beliefs that swallowing stuff wasn't that bad. She asked me if that meant I had swallowed something. So of course I said no. She said that that didn't really make sense as if I was talking myself into it being ok, it wouldn't make sense that I wouldn't do it. So she asked me again and I said no. Then she asked me that if I had would I be honest and tell her I had and I said I wouldn't.

She left it at that really.

We talked a bit about what her role is in everything and she said that she felt she was useful when it was a bad time for me, but she could only then see me once every couple of weeks. And she said she didn't really feel that this was enough at times. She said I will still be getting the weekly psychological input from G and the medical input from Dr T but she felt at times I needed more. I have been on the waiting list to move over to another team for quite a while. The team I am under is only really meant to have you on their books for 1 year as it is an assessment team. I have been with them around 2 and a half years. She is only supposed to work for people for up to a year and she has been with me since April 2011. She said she felt that this other team would be better able to deal with me as I would be under the HTT rather than crisis team and if I needed them they are more able to do home visits and get more involved when needed and take a step back when not needed. But I would be getting a new CPN. The relationship I have had with this one has taken a few turns really and has really taken it's time to grow. I really didn't like her at first and I had a lot of issues with her, but now I quite like her and I am as honest as I could possibly be with her. It's taken so long to finally get somewhere with her. A lot of it was me and how I have changed and what I have accepted, but I don't really want to go through all that again with someone new and have to build that relationship all over again.

But she said that we need to think about getting someone from the new team involved as she doesn't want me to feel as though I am just passed over without much thought etc etc. She also wants everyone to clarify their roles in my recovery and all that shebang. So she said she wanted to arrange a meeting with her, G, Dr T, the new person and that she wanted me to attend. I said there was no way that that was going to happen as I don't want to go to meetings that are about me. She said it would be beneficial as she wouldn't want me to think that things are being done to me without any of my input. I said I didn't feel like that at all and would rather the power be taken out of my hands at times as most of the time, especially when things aren't the best, I don't know what is best for me. So, I prefer other people to make the decision for me. Then she started saying how this just feeds in to my avoiding things and that it would be better for me to approach it. I asked what the big deal was with avoiding this, if that is what I was doing. Yeah, I can see with some things I avoid things and it can be a huge problem. But not this. She just said she will arrange the meeting and let me know when it was so that if I changed my mind I could go. Well, that won't be happening. I'll prob have G trying to talk me in to it and getting all psychologisty on me about my thoughts and feelings about it. I can't see the point in subjecting myself to anxiety if I don't need to. But, I won't be doing. No way.

I can't really remember much else of the appointment. She was with me about an hour. The next appointment is in 4 weeks as I can't make the appointment in 2 weeks as I have my nephew for a couple of days and the week after I am away. She is part time I think and I don't think she works school holidays so getting to see her can at times be tricky. So, maybe someone who is more readily available would be handy, but then I don't think I have ever asked to bring an appointment forward with her. She's been the one chasing me and making me see her. So, I am not that bothered that she is not at my beck and call. Besides I am aware she has more than one patient and that her job does not revolve around me. I would rather people concentrate their efforts elsewhere rather than with me anyway as they will probably benefit more than me who ends up screwing everything up and going back to the start over and over again. I would rather them put their efforts in to helping someone who is actually ill rather than me.

I've kind of started seeing someone at the moment. But that's a whole other post. Maybe tomorrow.