The Way Things Are.

I mentioned before that my parents have now split up. Well it just keeps getting nasty and nastier. Well maybe that's not the right term. It's getting worse and worse. It's come out that my Dad has been seeing someone already and he has been sleeping with her. What makes it worse is it was a family wedding they met at (my brothers nor me noticed) and it looks likely that it is the mother of the bride. My mum is totally devastated by it. She left him, as I have talked about before, my Dad has the habit of being a bit of a knob so her leaving him was understandable. But it wasn't even 2 weeks after she moved out before he was in some one elses bed. It's a bit weird really.

I live with my Mum and she is in a right mess. She can barely hold it together. Obviously I feel for her. But she left him. OK, it can't be nice. I have said to my Dad I don't want to get involved and am not going to get in the middle of them but it seems as though he has just gotten over my Mum so quickly like the past 35 years didn't matter.

But, is it really wrong of me to think about how all this is affecting me? I am struggling enough with my own thoughts and I need someone to look out for me at the moment. Not me being the carer. Also, I think the boundaries of mother-daughter are close to being crossed as she is wanting to tell me what has happened and how it makes her feel revengeful and asking my thoughts on what she is doing when it is something that has a drastic effect on my Dad. If I am honest I can't cope with all of this. I can't be counsellor/friend/etc. I need that myself at the moment and am unable to offer it to anyone else. I know this makes me sound like the most selfish person in the world. It probably makes me it.

It's draining also. I don't know what to say and when she cries which is most the time I just don't know what to say. I feel so bad that I can't find the words to say. I know I had similar with Gom but then not really as it was only 8 years I was with him, we didn't have kids, and he was the instigator in us breaking up. So in some respect it is more hurtful in my eyes when it happened to me. I didn't want to break up I wanted him. This is her wanting to break up and not wanting him, but no one else can. All I can think of to say is that it seems like the end of the world at the moment but things will get better. But, I think she's sick of hearing it. She must be.

So that's my update on the parent situation and how I feel about it. I wish in a way I was a kid so at least I would 1) Be kept out of it, or 2) at least be able to behave like a child in dealing with it all.

I had Jo the OT woman come round today. She asked me what I had been doing and looked at my activity diary. She told me what I already knew that when I was with people I was in better mood. In that when looking after my nephews the other day my mood wasn't as low. This is because I felt I had more purpose and was nice to feel needed. Anyway, she wants me to think about filling in this application for volunteering a few hours a week. If I am honest I am terrified. I have lost all my confidence in my abilities since being in hospital and I don't feel like I can commit to anything. She has also given me a sheet to fill out that is a load of activities that I have done in the past, do now or would consider doing in the future. I suppose it's so she can get me some groups that I can start going to.

I'm kind of all over the place at the moment and I am really struggling to write tonight. I can't focus on a topic and I'm struggling to make much sense. So I am going to leave it there. I may come back and edit at some point or I may just write another post. But that's it for now.

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