Utterly Miserable

Today has been a very low day. I've really struggled with my thoughts of suicide. Beth and the person from OT came and managed to talk to Beth about the thoughts. She asked me if I'd made plans and I said I hadn't. She tried to get me to look to the future which is something I really struggle with. She asked me when the last time I'd been able to do so and I said I really couldn't remember. That's kinda sad really isn't it.

I have problems with consequences. In that if I seriously self harm or attempt what consequences this has on me. I think the main one being long term hospital care that specialises in self harm. This was an option that was considered when I was in hospital. Obviously this scares me but I know when it comes down to the self harming or attempting I just can't see what the future consequences may be. I only think about the here and now or if the attempt works.

I'm being threatened with this at the moment and it does worry me. Especially as I can feel myself slipping back. The difference this time is I do have ideas of what is causing it but because I'm already caught up in it I don't want to do anything about it as I don't have the energy to fight it.

Beth can see this and said I need to make small steps even if it's just making sure I put my clothes on each day and go to the shop to get me out the house as doing these small things will make things easier for me next week. My problem is that I struggle to see next week. Not because I plan on being dead, although at the moment that feeling is preferable but because I just can't look to the future. I've got to the stage where I don't want to help myself.

Every task seems like the most mammoth task. I had a form to fill in for uni but I kept putting it off. It was only a tick thing which I needed to send in so I can defer but it took me nearly 2 weeks to get it done. Sam gave me this diary sheet so she can look at how I'm spending my time and how I feel about it. It's based on CBT. Yet I know for me it seems like the biggest thing I have to do.

I think today has been my lowest day since coming out of hospital. I'm tearful. I don't feel as though I can cope with my thoughts and want to act on them. I have the tools. The sensible thing would be for me to get rid of them as at the moment I don't really need them. Not all of them. The sensible thing would be for me to say I don't feel safe. But I can't. Part of me needs the control. I need to know that I can control this and not be weak. The same reasons why I carry razors. It's a control thing and I want to do it on my own.

So as I lie in bed typing this on my phone crying I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to feel like this. I'm feeling physically ill with it. But at the same time I don't want to put the effort in to doing something about it. Yes, I am feeling pretty sorry for myself and if it was someone else I know exactly what I'd be telling them to do. This is different to lows and depressions in the past as I don't know what caused those. Seems as though a chemical thing being as though the sodium valporate has stabilised me some what. But this because I know what it is and what's causing it my inability makes me feel worse also. I feel weak and pathetic. I'm in a bubble of my own worthlessness.

And it sucks!