Still on a section 2. Not managed to run. Not been allowed to leave the ward in about 10days now. I feel as though I am in prison. I feel like a caged animal. Being in my room and suddenly the light going on and people peering through the window at me, watching me. I feel as though I am being punished because my thoughts don't conform with the majority.
I feel like a waste of space. I waste of air. Suppose so called friends who have "understanding don't help". I was saying to her I felt really guilty as all I am doing is sitting in a corner all day and watching stuff on netflix. That there are people on my college course who are really stressed out as it was hand in yesterday on a project that I have had to drop as I haven't been in the right frame of mind to work. Her reply was why haven't you done something while you are in hospital? I tried to explain to her that I lack the ability to read anything and produce a coherent sentence about it. All she said was that I sounded coherent to her. Being judged YET AGAIN!
They all do it. They all judge me. I think they think it's something I can snap out of. Something that I am wrong because I am here. That, well, not that they're jealous, but, somehow resent that I am not working full time, that I am here. That I am somehow weak and that I use this as some way of a reasoning for not being in work full time. I think they think I have it easy and that they wish they could "sit around all day doing nothing". I think I have said it before, but, I wish so much I was able to work full time. That I had been able to complete my social work training and be working as a social worker full time. That I had that 9-5 career. I'm sure they think that I should take just any job and if needs be move back with my parents and "suck it up". They all have their own shit. They don't have the luxury of falling a part as I have done. I am lucky.
I realised just now, only one of my "friends" has actually contacted me to see if I am ok. One of the girls texts me her usual trivial shit about her cats or something equally as inane. BUt, she has not once asked how things are. It has been me who volunteered. I get that I may have let them down in someway because I may have made plans. Or that they're busy But, it doesn't take 2 minutes to send a text to ask how things are.
Is it me. Am I being over sensitive. Am I over thinking and reading in to things wrong. Or, am I right in my thinking? Is it because this is my I don't know how many times now I've been in hospital that they don't actually care that much? If I was on a medical ward because of a medical illness, would things be different? If I had a medical illness that wiped me out as much as mental illness, would things be different?
On top of this, my brother hasn't contacted me once in the two weeks I have been here. And my Mum makes it seem as though I am inconvienience. That she is not sure she can find time in her such busy schedule to come see me and on the way stop at a shop to pick me up something for lunch or some tobacco.
I hate being reliant on people. I hate asking people to do things for me. One friend, ONE makes the effort to message me everyday. Asks how things are and asks me if I want her to do some shopping for me and drop it in for me. She'll go out of her way for me.
I get this sounds like "oh, poor me". But...I feel shit!
Sunday, 18 October 2015
Wednesday, 14 October 2015
The Insignificance Of One
What is significant about life? I am one of billions of people, there were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why is there so much preciousness (I know that's not a word) put on life. And especially mine.
Why am I in hospital?
Why are they stopping me from doing what I want to do. Why am I being punished for realising the insignificance. I have clarity. Yet, it's as though they are wanting to shut me up.
It's like something out of 1984. The Thought Police want to keep me quiet. They don't want me to put my views on to other people or to do what is right. I am being kept quiet. I am being made to stay here, a symbolic room 101 until I give in and come around to their way of thinking.
They will make me take their medication. They will make me see doctors/nurses/other "professionals" until I tell them that they are right and I am wrong.
What is the point in life. There were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why am I being kept here. Why? What is the significance of one. Life is nothing.
For now I will sit here biding my time. I will sit on my laptop and spend my time watching crap on Netflix, listening to music etc etc. But, the time will come. My time will come when I get to do what is right.
Why am I in hospital?
Why are they stopping me from doing what I want to do. Why am I being punished for realising the insignificance. I have clarity. Yet, it's as though they are wanting to shut me up.
It's like something out of 1984. The Thought Police want to keep me quiet. They don't want me to put my views on to other people or to do what is right. I am being kept quiet. I am being made to stay here, a symbolic room 101 until I give in and come around to their way of thinking.
They will make me take their medication. They will make me see doctors/nurses/other "professionals" until I tell them that they are right and I am wrong.
What is the point in life. There were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why am I being kept here. Why? What is the significance of one. Life is nothing.
For now I will sit here biding my time. I will sit on my laptop and spend my time watching crap on Netflix, listening to music etc etc. But, the time will come. My time will come when I get to do what is right.
Monday, 12 October 2015
No Change
I am obsessed by the river at the moment. I don’t know why.
All my thoughts seem to be how I can get out of the hospital and get to the
river. I thought I may have been presented with an opportunity last night but
that didn’t happen. A wound has reopened on my leg and it is quite deep. I didn’t
re open it myself, but I suppose it is my own fault. I shaved my legs and it
pulled some of the sutures out. So it reopened. I have to get it seen to but, I
won’t be going to hospital as they need 2 members of staff to take me as of my
flight risk. So, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Besides, I don’t want to
go anywhere with a 2 member of staff escort. People stare. So, I would rather
leave a hole in my leg than that.
I am always looking at my ways of escape from the ward. I
have a review with the doc later, I am hoping she may give me some leave and if
she does I can escape then. If not, I have positioned a chair near the fence
outside, I think I could probably hop the fence if needs be. I will have to
wait until it is dark though.
I am not sure if being in hospital is making things worse
for me. I feel anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know
why I am here. OK, I know being suicidal is probably the case, but, I have been
suicidal before and haven’t been sectioned. I don’t understand what is
different this time. I am seeing G tomorrow. I am feeling quite apprehensive
about it. It will be the first time I have seen him since that night he was at
my flat and I was assessed. I can’t remember what I had said to him or what
really happened. I am not sure if he will fill me in or not. I may try get
access to my notes to see what happened. But then on the other hand, I am not
sure if I want to see any of G’s notes.
So the section 2 still stands and I have no idea what is
going to happen to me. I have no idea how long I am likely to be here for. I
have a feeling it’s going to be a while. It worries me with G thinking I needed
to be in too. If he still thinks that, then I am screwed as he is the person
who knows me the best.
Saturday, 10 October 2015
Another Section 2
I am not sure how it happened. I have no recollection of the assessment and no memory of getting here. But, a week ago I ended up on another section 2. I was supposed to see G last Friday, but I cancelled as I didn't think it would be helpful as I couldn't put any order to my thoughts. But then, at around 6pm last Friday night there was a knock at my door and G was standing there. I think my words were "what the fuck are you doing here"? I vaguely remember him saying he was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok and him saying they were coming to do an assessment that evening. But, I can't remember anything else.
The last week has been awful. I don't really know what is going on. I have ran off twice and ended up in the local river twice. It has become something of an obsession. I am putting on an act. I am ok, I am ok, I am ok. If I say it enough to them they may believe me. Hey, if I say it enough, I may believe it myself. Like in this song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0ecA5ez6is
I feel like I am high. But, I have the negative thoughts. I feel really weird. I have never felt like this before.
The last week has been awful. I don't really know what is going on. I have ran off twice and ended up in the local river twice. It has become something of an obsession. I am putting on an act. I am ok, I am ok, I am ok. If I say it enough to them they may believe me. Hey, if I say it enough, I may believe it myself. Like in this song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0ecA5ez6is
I feel like I am high. But, I have the negative thoughts. I feel really weird. I have never felt like this before.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Quick Update
Things are going shit. Basically. Crisis team are as useful as a chocolate tea pot. There's not much point in them. They want to up their input. I can't see the point. I'm not in hospital. I discharged myself a couple of weeks back. I thought things were ok then. But they're obviously not.
Thoughts to end it are so intense. I can't fight them.
Thoughts to end it are so intense. I can't fight them.
Thursday, 10 September 2015
Wednesday 9th September
Anxiety in over drive. Just had a quick session with G. I feel so anxious now. It has brought things to the surface. He knows I haven’t been eating. I admitted I felt really anxious about it now and didn’t feel as though I could. He practically dragged me to the dining room after the session. I picked up 2 satsumas and now they are there in front of me and I can’t eat them. I have this thing that it is something I can control. Everything else is going to shit around me and I can’t control anything. But, I can control what I eat. It’s stupid. I already feel like a failure, if I eat it will reaffirm my belief that I am a failure. It’s been a week since I had anything at all. And, then, it was only half a sandwich that they made me have at that private place. Before that, I ate as little as possible. While I was on my running away thing up north, I had some breakfast each morning. Usually one piece of bacon, an egg, black pudding and a piece of toast. That is all I had all day and I only had that because I was going walking and I didn’t want to pass out on a mountain. I don’t know how long it is since I had a meal. Or a meal I didn’t throw up after, it’s been over 2 weeks. I’ve got it in my head now that I need to control this. I can’t control anything else. I can’t eat yet. I hadn’t actually told anyone the whole idea of eating makes me really anxious. He said in my face he could tell I hadn’t been eating as I look all drawn and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. That I need to eat for my meds to work properly.
I had a urine test and it showed that there were ketones in it. This means that the body is not breaking down glucose to create energy, but fat. They are saying it is a bad thing, to me it seems like a good thing.
I talked a bit about R today. I really miss him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. That I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t show or talk about their emotions as I over think things and try to read in to everything. I need someone to be straight with me. I miss him so much it hurts. I really want to cry about it, but I am on high obs and I hate crying in front of people.
I’ve got really big urges to do something. The anxiety around food, talking to G and the whole thing with R has really got to me now. I feel overwhelmed. I am on high obs, I should really make use of the staff that I have around me. I need to be good and make the best of it.
I had a urine test and it showed that there were ketones in it. This means that the body is not breaking down glucose to create energy, but fat. They are saying it is a bad thing, to me it seems like a good thing.
I talked a bit about R today. I really miss him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. That I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t show or talk about their emotions as I over think things and try to read in to everything. I need someone to be straight with me. I miss him so much it hurts. I really want to cry about it, but I am on high obs and I hate crying in front of people.
I’ve got really big urges to do something. The anxiety around food, talking to G and the whole thing with R has really got to me now. I feel overwhelmed. I am on high obs, I should really make use of the staff that I have around me. I need to be good and make the best of it.
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Tuesday 8th September
I have been moved back from the private hospital I was in to my local hospital that I usually go to. I was a bit apprehensive about coming back and I have been even lower…I didn’t think that that was possible. I have also been really anxious. They have kept me on high obs and I will be until Thursday morning. But, if I am honest, it does help as it means I am unable to do anything to myself, while I think about it all the time I am not having to fight the urges as I am not on my own at all and have no access to anything that I could do anything with.
I was transferred back in a secure car. It was horrible. I felt like a criminal. I am still under section but the aim is to come off it within the week. I saw the doctor this morning and he was worried that hospital would make things worse for me.
I told him that at the moment I can’t see any consequences to my actions in a rational way. I told him all about how I feel and the stuff that is going round and round in my head. He said he needed to work out a plan with me in regards to a discharge date so that I knew what was happening and it wouldn’t just be sprung on me one day. So the agreement is is discharge in 2 weeks, be on high obs for 2 more nights, and looking at coming off the section towards the end of this week.
I kind of knew that as soon as I came back to my home time that I wouldn’t be here that long. I suppose in a way it is better for me being here as I will be out a lot quicker. Where as if I had stayed at that private place she wanted to keep me a few weeks and there was always the possibility of PICU again. Who knows how long I would be in then.
I suppose I have some rational thought back now. In not being able to act on my urges and need to end my life in the last 4-5days because of being on high obs, it has meant that I have been able to cope better.
I think R may be on to something about me. He messaged me the other day and asked if he could pop round with the ticket I have for London this weekend. I told him I was away and didn’t know when I would be back. He questioned me about college and asked if I didn’t need to be there for that. He seemed pretty unconvinced in the message. It was like he didn’t believe me.
Today I messaged him to see if he had had any luck in getting rid of the ticket. He said he hadn’t asked his mate yet but it didn’t look likely. He said he could always try and get a tout to buy it. I asked how he had been and he said he was ok, but then he had been really busy. He asked how I was and I avoided the question and said he could always try Stubhub for the ticket but I wouldn’t be able to do it as my signal was crap on my phone. So he asked “Where are you”? I think he knows something is up. I just said my WiFi wasn’t working and I was waiting for someone to come out to it and that my signal wasn’t good at home. He just said “I see”. Which is his way of saying that’s a load of crap. So now I am really anxious about it. If he asked me out right I don’t think I could lie. Or if he said he wanted to come round I couldn’t avoid that.
But….there is part of me that hopes he thinks he has made a mistake and wants to see me. I make up these little scenarios in my head that he says he wants to see me as an excuse to try and make things right as he wouldn’t tell me in person. I have thought this through and if he did ask to see me again then I would say unless he has changed his mind on what he thinks about us, that I don’t think it is a good idea for me to see him as I love him and breaking up has been hard on me and I have been quite upset. Then if he said he had been thinking, then I would have to swear him to secrecy and let him know where I am.
But then, I haven’t really thought about the break up that much. My thoughts are all about me. If he did want to get back together how would I react? I think I would have to tell him how I feel about him being an emotional retard and how anxious it makes me feel and he would have to be open with his feelings and take initiative sometimes in being romantic/passionate. I really struggled with him not telling me things first and I thought I was taking control all the time. He was so laid back, I did take control. I made plans for us etc etc etc. He needs to be more proactive and be more of a man.
I think a lot of what happened was because I was at his quite a bit and I got a bit comfortable and that combined with my mood change etc has not been the best company. I have become unmotivated and didn’t really want to do much.
I suppose in that scenario where we did get back together (which probably won’t ever happen), I would need some kind of unwritten agreement that we spend more quality/romantic time together (that I am not the one to instigate it and make all the plans), that he can show and tell me how he feels about me without me being the one to say “I love you first”. I will have to tell him just how anxious it makes me that I am the one who is the one who makes the first move.
But anyway…that probably won’t ever happen. So, I am going to have to get used to being without him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. Long term, I don’t think I could be with anyone who was so laid back and didn’t have the emotional side. I can’t expect him to change so I suppose, maybe it is for the best.
Maybe, after 7 months together, it is better to break now than in a year or so time. It would hurt a lot more the longer we spend together wouldn’t it. So, maybe, and I will try and convince myself that it is for the best. I love him still, and it would be easier if on paper we weren’t a near perfect match and that if he was a dick. But, he’s not a dick and we are technically suited to each other.
Feel a bit better now I have that off my chest. I have been in a bit of an anxious state since we were messaging each other. I went and put my phone on charge in a locked room so I couldn’t keep looking at it.
I don’t want him knowing I am in hospital. One because I am embarrassed about it. I don’t like people knowing, I don’t want his friends and family to know. I don’t want them to think I am so unstable that an end of a relationship makes me this ill (obviously it has contributed, but it isn’t about him, it’s other things that have been going on for a long time since I stopped taking my meds), I also don’t want him thinking that it is his fault. That he has caused this. Because he hasn’t. It’s me.
If I ended a relationship with someone and only days later they were in a psych hospital I would feel awful and blame myself. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t have any ill feelings towards him at all. Yes I am upset that I am hurt. But, if he wasn’t feeling it anymore then he wasn’t feeling it. It’s upsetting and I do blame myself. I mainly blame coming off meds and being too bossy. I should have let him take more control over what we did. I will just have to make sure I learn from my mistakes.
I was transferred back in a secure car. It was horrible. I felt like a criminal. I am still under section but the aim is to come off it within the week. I saw the doctor this morning and he was worried that hospital would make things worse for me.
I told him that at the moment I can’t see any consequences to my actions in a rational way. I told him all about how I feel and the stuff that is going round and round in my head. He said he needed to work out a plan with me in regards to a discharge date so that I knew what was happening and it wouldn’t just be sprung on me one day. So the agreement is is discharge in 2 weeks, be on high obs for 2 more nights, and looking at coming off the section towards the end of this week.
I kind of knew that as soon as I came back to my home time that I wouldn’t be here that long. I suppose in a way it is better for me being here as I will be out a lot quicker. Where as if I had stayed at that private place she wanted to keep me a few weeks and there was always the possibility of PICU again. Who knows how long I would be in then.
I suppose I have some rational thought back now. In not being able to act on my urges and need to end my life in the last 4-5days because of being on high obs, it has meant that I have been able to cope better.
I think R may be on to something about me. He messaged me the other day and asked if he could pop round with the ticket I have for London this weekend. I told him I was away and didn’t know when I would be back. He questioned me about college and asked if I didn’t need to be there for that. He seemed pretty unconvinced in the message. It was like he didn’t believe me.
Today I messaged him to see if he had had any luck in getting rid of the ticket. He said he hadn’t asked his mate yet but it didn’t look likely. He said he could always try and get a tout to buy it. I asked how he had been and he said he was ok, but then he had been really busy. He asked how I was and I avoided the question and said he could always try Stubhub for the ticket but I wouldn’t be able to do it as my signal was crap on my phone. So he asked “Where are you”? I think he knows something is up. I just said my WiFi wasn’t working and I was waiting for someone to come out to it and that my signal wasn’t good at home. He just said “I see”. Which is his way of saying that’s a load of crap. So now I am really anxious about it. If he asked me out right I don’t think I could lie. Or if he said he wanted to come round I couldn’t avoid that.
But….there is part of me that hopes he thinks he has made a mistake and wants to see me. I make up these little scenarios in my head that he says he wants to see me as an excuse to try and make things right as he wouldn’t tell me in person. I have thought this through and if he did ask to see me again then I would say unless he has changed his mind on what he thinks about us, that I don’t think it is a good idea for me to see him as I love him and breaking up has been hard on me and I have been quite upset. Then if he said he had been thinking, then I would have to swear him to secrecy and let him know where I am.
But then, I haven’t really thought about the break up that much. My thoughts are all about me. If he did want to get back together how would I react? I think I would have to tell him how I feel about him being an emotional retard and how anxious it makes me feel and he would have to be open with his feelings and take initiative sometimes in being romantic/passionate. I really struggled with him not telling me things first and I thought I was taking control all the time. He was so laid back, I did take control. I made plans for us etc etc etc. He needs to be more proactive and be more of a man.
I think a lot of what happened was because I was at his quite a bit and I got a bit comfortable and that combined with my mood change etc has not been the best company. I have become unmotivated and didn’t really want to do much.
I suppose in that scenario where we did get back together (which probably won’t ever happen), I would need some kind of unwritten agreement that we spend more quality/romantic time together (that I am not the one to instigate it and make all the plans), that he can show and tell me how he feels about me without me being the one to say “I love you first”. I will have to tell him just how anxious it makes me that I am the one who is the one who makes the first move.
But anyway…that probably won’t ever happen. So, I am going to have to get used to being without him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. Long term, I don’t think I could be with anyone who was so laid back and didn’t have the emotional side. I can’t expect him to change so I suppose, maybe it is for the best.
Maybe, after 7 months together, it is better to break now than in a year or so time. It would hurt a lot more the longer we spend together wouldn’t it. So, maybe, and I will try and convince myself that it is for the best. I love him still, and it would be easier if on paper we weren’t a near perfect match and that if he was a dick. But, he’s not a dick and we are technically suited to each other.
Feel a bit better now I have that off my chest. I have been in a bit of an anxious state since we were messaging each other. I went and put my phone on charge in a locked room so I couldn’t keep looking at it.
I don’t want him knowing I am in hospital. One because I am embarrassed about it. I don’t like people knowing, I don’t want his friends and family to know. I don’t want them to think I am so unstable that an end of a relationship makes me this ill (obviously it has contributed, but it isn’t about him, it’s other things that have been going on for a long time since I stopped taking my meds), I also don’t want him thinking that it is his fault. That he has caused this. Because he hasn’t. It’s me.
If I ended a relationship with someone and only days later they were in a psych hospital I would feel awful and blame myself. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t have any ill feelings towards him at all. Yes I am upset that I am hurt. But, if he wasn’t feeling it anymore then he wasn’t feeling it. It’s upsetting and I do blame myself. I mainly blame coming off meds and being too bossy. I should have let him take more control over what we did. I will just have to make sure I learn from my mistakes.
Saturday, 5 September 2015
More Updates
I am struggling a bit, sitting here being stared at by a woman who is my shadow until the doctor says otherwise.
I think I last blogged in December time. That's quite a lot of time really. I noticed logging on that there aren't many people whom I was chatty with before still blogging. I guess other people moved on too.
There was one girl...I don't know her name she referred to herself as A. She lived in Israel I think, but was born in the UK I think. I can't seem to find her blog. Does anyone know who I am on about, I would like to know how she is doing.
Anyhoo, I have just finished my first year at college on my Photography course. And.... I got the double grade distinction*. I am quite proud of myself. I actually did ok at something. Well, better than ok....I came top of the class. I have never done that before, I got distinctions in every module...even the shit ones. I think a lot of it though is being able to waffle about shit, and rip my own work to pieces and in evaluating it I get the good marks. Being concise was never a strong point of mine. Although, I am not sure the tutors like it that much when I hand in a book twice the size of everyone Else's as it takes them so long to mark.
Obviously, going back is being questioned now. I haven't told college or anyone at college any of my problems. I am due back a week on Thursday. And being as though I am sitting here 170miles away with a shadow, I am not hopeful that I will be well enough to go back next week. If it were a normal module we were doing straight away I could work from home/hospital and do all the research etc and even take shots. But the first module is dark room work. Obviously I don't have one of those. I am wondering if I can miss the first term back and I'll get a grade based on what I am expected to get. If it gets to next week and I am still in...I am going to have to contact my course leader and ask/explain. I really don't want to do that. Not again. Flashbacks to 2011 there and wanting to finish my MA Social Work. So, that is worrying me a little.
Things with my parents are still the same. They both drink, then my mother gets violent and argumentative. My eldest brother has moved in for the last few months while he saves for a deposit on a new house. So he has witnessed it to, and it's getting him down. It's all pretty fucked up really.
I hadn't cut since about a year ago until today. I hadn't swallowed anything in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't tied up in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't OD'd in about a year until Thursday. However, I have been making myself sick...a lot. If I am alone it would be pretty much every day. I only didn't do it when I had R staying or I was at his. But as soon as I was alone...it would be pretty much every meal. Or having binges and getting rid of it. I don't really know what it is. I am not sure if it's self harm, or something else. I like to feel I have some control over something. So, it was what I was doing. At the moment I am restricting. I haven't eaten anything since Monday morning, it's now Saturday evening. I enjoy having the control over it. It is the only thing I feel I have some control over. When I ran away up north I only had a small breakfast each morning just so I could climb the hills in the day. It's been about 2 weeks since I had a normal meal and not thrown up after or skipped. I don't get that either. I am happy that I am losing weight. I like to feel thinner, but it's the control thing. No one has addressed it with me so I am not saying anything.
I put quite a bit of weight on since January when I met R. I kind of settled in to going round to his instead of the gym and cosying up on the sofa with a bottle of wine (my weight gain is another reason why I think he ended it, that he didn't find me attractive anymore etc etc). I put on about a 21lb since I met him. That's from drinking wine 3-4 nights a week. I can't do that. He wasn't the healthiest eater either...yet he was skinny. I also gave up smoking for a while. I used champix, and it really worked. The only side effect I had was a feeling sick for some time after the dose. But, if I made sure I ate a good breakfast I didn't really get that. I managed to stop for around 6 weeks. But...I started again because R smoked and it was too easy to nip out for at first a quick drag of his, then nicking one his then buying my own rolling stuff,
If, I get my head sorted, it will be something I go back to. I will use the Champix again... it is a wonder drug. I didn't think it would be given to me as of the pysch history.But, I think because I am more aware of my moods they were happy for me to give it ago. I hate being reliant on smoking. It stinks and with smoking rollies my fingers have yellowed. It's disgusting. I really do want to be a non smoker.
I am trying to think of what else I have to say that has happened in the last few months that I haven't covered. I am trying to waste time waffling on so I don't have to think my own thoughts too much.
I have time on my hands over the next few days so I will probably be posting random crap.
I think I last blogged in December time. That's quite a lot of time really. I noticed logging on that there aren't many people whom I was chatty with before still blogging. I guess other people moved on too.
There was one girl...I don't know her name she referred to herself as A. She lived in Israel I think, but was born in the UK I think. I can't seem to find her blog. Does anyone know who I am on about, I would like to know how she is doing.
Anyhoo, I have just finished my first year at college on my Photography course. And.... I got the double grade distinction*. I am quite proud of myself. I actually did ok at something. Well, better than ok....I came top of the class. I have never done that before, I got distinctions in every module...even the shit ones. I think a lot of it though is being able to waffle about shit, and rip my own work to pieces and in evaluating it I get the good marks. Being concise was never a strong point of mine. Although, I am not sure the tutors like it that much when I hand in a book twice the size of everyone Else's as it takes them so long to mark.
Obviously, going back is being questioned now. I haven't told college or anyone at college any of my problems. I am due back a week on Thursday. And being as though I am sitting here 170miles away with a shadow, I am not hopeful that I will be well enough to go back next week. If it were a normal module we were doing straight away I could work from home/hospital and do all the research etc and even take shots. But the first module is dark room work. Obviously I don't have one of those. I am wondering if I can miss the first term back and I'll get a grade based on what I am expected to get. If it gets to next week and I am still in...I am going to have to contact my course leader and ask/explain. I really don't want to do that. Not again. Flashbacks to 2011 there and wanting to finish my MA Social Work. So, that is worrying me a little.
Things with my parents are still the same. They both drink, then my mother gets violent and argumentative. My eldest brother has moved in for the last few months while he saves for a deposit on a new house. So he has witnessed it to, and it's getting him down. It's all pretty fucked up really.
I hadn't cut since about a year ago until today. I hadn't swallowed anything in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't tied up in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't OD'd in about a year until Thursday. However, I have been making myself sick...a lot. If I am alone it would be pretty much every day. I only didn't do it when I had R staying or I was at his. But as soon as I was alone...it would be pretty much every meal. Or having binges and getting rid of it. I don't really know what it is. I am not sure if it's self harm, or something else. I like to feel I have some control over something. So, it was what I was doing. At the moment I am restricting. I haven't eaten anything since Monday morning, it's now Saturday evening. I enjoy having the control over it. It is the only thing I feel I have some control over. When I ran away up north I only had a small breakfast each morning just so I could climb the hills in the day. It's been about 2 weeks since I had a normal meal and not thrown up after or skipped. I don't get that either. I am happy that I am losing weight. I like to feel thinner, but it's the control thing. No one has addressed it with me so I am not saying anything.
I put quite a bit of weight on since January when I met R. I kind of settled in to going round to his instead of the gym and cosying up on the sofa with a bottle of wine (my weight gain is another reason why I think he ended it, that he didn't find me attractive anymore etc etc). I put on about a 21lb since I met him. That's from drinking wine 3-4 nights a week. I can't do that. He wasn't the healthiest eater either...yet he was skinny. I also gave up smoking for a while. I used champix, and it really worked. The only side effect I had was a feeling sick for some time after the dose. But, if I made sure I ate a good breakfast I didn't really get that. I managed to stop for around 6 weeks. But...I started again because R smoked and it was too easy to nip out for at first a quick drag of his, then nicking one his then buying my own rolling stuff,
If, I get my head sorted, it will be something I go back to. I will use the Champix again... it is a wonder drug. I didn't think it would be given to me as of the pysch history.But, I think because I am more aware of my moods they were happy for me to give it ago. I hate being reliant on smoking. It stinks and with smoking rollies my fingers have yellowed. It's disgusting. I really do want to be a non smoker.
I am trying to think of what else I have to say that has happened in the last few months that I haven't covered. I am trying to waste time waffling on so I don't have to think my own thoughts too much.
I have time on my hands over the next few days so I will probably be posting random crap.
So Here I Am Again
I took a break from blogging for a while as I wanted to try and leave that part of my life behind me...but...quite typically it caught up with me.
I met someone in January and fell completely madly deeply in love with him. He said he felt the same way. I felt good for the first time in so long. I felt as though I was a normal person functioning in society. I felt so normal that, I thought I could stop taking my meds. He knew I was on meds, and what they were for, that I had been in hospital etc etc. But, I hated taking my meds in front of him or carrying them around. He had seen them and laughed at me for being a walking pharmacy... an upper, a downer, a stop you pooh, make you pooh, stop the pain etc etc. He would joke, but it made me fel uncomfortable. This was a guy who wouldn't take a pain killer if his leg was hanging off. I wanted to be more normal. All through this illness since 2006, I have been told that medication doesn't do anything. Dr T was dead against it and didn't like prescribing it. So, I thought it would be a good idea to stop. I stopped everything except 25mg of Quetiapine at night so that I wouldn't be awake all night. I thought I was doing ok. I didn't tell anyone at all I had stopped. And, so I thought I was ok. But I wasn't. I was different...not sad down, but loss of motivation, stopped going to the gym, needed a lot of sleep and felt as though I was weighed down with something. Come July, I was a bit of a mess really. I was so anxious and constantly asking my friends for approval and advice about what to do with R. Were things in my head etc etc etc.
I didn't bring it up with him as I didn't want to be that neurotic needy girlfriend. But, I think I was different.
Last week I thought he was being quite odd. He was not one to talk about his feelings and he would brush it off if he was quiet or something. But not this time when I brought it up. The result was basically him saying he wasn't sure what he wanted, and he thought a break would be a good idea. Me being me, ran off to the Lake District for some fresh air, hiking, scenery, photography and wide open spaces. I missed him like crazy. I spilled my heart to him in an email telling him how I felt and I got an email back saying he had thought about it and he thought we should end it. I told him fair enough, but he has at least got to see me in person so we can talk about it face to face as after that long together I deserved more than an email. So we did. And it ended. That's that.
Yes, I am upset. It was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I was managing to hold it together just enough the last couple of months as I really didn't want him to see that part of me.
It's weird...I love him so much, but what I am more upset is not losing him...it's what it all means to me. That I am 31, living in a rented small flat. My friends all have their own places or kids and are settled. I thought I was getting that in this relationship but, it appeared not. He said he had lost the spark and wasn't sure if he loved me now, and wasn't sure it was love at the start. So me being me...internalises it all. Me being me sees failure, standards, etc etc etc. It's more about that than losing him.
I do get upset about what could have been...the loss of the future. But, what has driven this breakdown more so is that I have yet again failed. That yet again this illness has ruined something for me. That I am faulty etc etc etc. So with the low mood over the last few weeks, the anxiety...WHAM suicidal thoughts and planning comes in again.
I feel so pathetic, that the break down of my relationship is what has landed me on a section. I feel like a silly teenager. I know deep down that it is more than the break up. It is more internalised about that. I am not crying "oh nooooo, he dumped me I best hurt myself to show the world how sad I am by this". It's the whole failure thing. It's the whole taking stock of my life and seeing where I am and not liking it. It is looking to the future and seeing the work I put in to being "normal", to having that conversation with him about the scars and where they came from, the being honest with another person, having to do all that over again. It is the worry that exactly the same thing will happen. The worry that I am 31, am still at college, living in a rented flat, still being slightly reliant on Mummy and Dadddy etc etc etc.
There is the hurt of losing him, but, maybe wrongly, I am telling myself that if the above is what is bothering me more, perhaps we weren't that suited. I don't know. I do love him, care about him. He is the second person I ever loved. I really don't know what's going on in my head,
While I was away last weekend, I had time to think, perhaps it wasn't the best thing to do (running away), and it was there I decided that I no longer wanted to live. Not if I had all of that ahead of me. That I was destined for a life of misery because of my stupid illness. Because of how it rules my life. The same things as usual really.
So, I reached out. I contacted crisis team. I told them how I was feeling...their response was distract yourself. So I told them to fuck off and I would manage on my own. A few hours later I have my GP, a AMHP and a Sec 12 doc at my door. I told them the same thing. I can manage on my own. I didn't need their input and I would not be working with crisis as I felt it was a waste of time, Where did that land me...170miles south of my home city in a private hospital (there were no beds any closer), and now... on high obs.
A few weeks ago I had a conversation with G, he said something a long the lines of as long as I will make sure you don't end up in hospital again as it is not beneficial to you. With this in my head I basically told the people in the MHA assessment to fuck off too. G was on leave last week so had no input. So, a section 2 for me.
They didn't have a bed straight away and I was on my own over night. The AMHP left at about 10pm, and he was back the next morning at 8.30am. I had had a phone call at around 5am from crisis telling me they had found a bed but transport wouldn't be available until later in the day. 5am! 5AM!!!! WTF. I was actually already awake, but, I don't see why they needed to call me then. The AMHP knocks on my door and tells me they've got a bed they are just working on getting an ambulance. Seriously an ambulance, to come get me.
Even though I knew I was going in to hospital, I prepared a stash of meds and things to harm my self with. Half way down here I took all the meds I had. Because I didn't have a bag with me the ambulance people didn't realise I had taken an OD and anti psychotics, sleeping pills and tricylic antidepressants. They thought I was just drowsy cos I hadn't slept the night before. I can't remember getting here at all. I think the staff just put me in bed as soon as I got here. The next morning I think they cottoned on that something wasn't right. I don't remember at all really, just blurry visions of not being able to walk and bumping in to things. It was when I saw the doc she said my speech was really slurred and something wasn't right, She asked me if I had taken anything, at first denied it but then admitted. I refused to go to hospital at first, but, being as though I am under a section I had no choice they said either I go in a taxi or the police and ambulance will come. Hospital just did bloods and said I was ok...I think. Well, I didn't need treatment and they let me go. By the time I got back my room had been stripped, they had found all my ligs and extra pills.
So now, I am on to my third night here and am now on 1.1 obs as of how I have been. Honestly I feel shit. I am finding it hard to rationalise anything. I feel like I did way back in 2011 when the hospital stuff all kicked off. I can't listen to anyone. And, I don't know how long I will be here for.
I am supposed to be seeing G on Monday...that's not going to happen unless they transfer me tomorrow back home. But, I have the staff here talking to me about therapy groups and being assessed for therapy etc etc. I don't want to do that. I know where I am with G. I know him and I can be open with him. I don't want to start all over again. I don't want to have to talk to people about my childhood etc etc etc etc. I don't want to go over everything and make it fresh. But, I am worried, they will want me to "engage" and if I don't it lessen my chances of getting anywhere.
The unit is a lot nicer than NHS...obviously, it's private and I think costs around £1000 a week. My parents looked in to sending me private back in 2011. And, knowing how much it is costing the NHS...how much I am costing the NHS makes me want to die even more because I am a waste of money. I have been in and out of hospital for 4 years now. 4 fucking years. OK, granted it's been a year since I was last in...but being quite a prominent patient in services. It's such a waste.
I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone here. I don't know anyone. They don't know me. They don't know my history. I don't want to go over everything again and again. In my home town, I have people that I know. I have G for therapy and if I am on the ward I know at least one member of staff per shift. It makes things so much easier...they can also tell when I am heading down a slippery slope of SH etc etc.
I am not sure if I need to be in hospital or if it's working. Would I be at the bottom of the river by now being left on my own. Would I have seriously OD be in ICU again. Am I saying I could cope so I could be left to my own devices? I don't know. I don't know what is best for me at the moment.
It's tough. I don't really know what to do.
I met someone in January and fell completely madly deeply in love with him. He said he felt the same way. I felt good for the first time in so long. I felt as though I was a normal person functioning in society. I felt so normal that, I thought I could stop taking my meds. He knew I was on meds, and what they were for, that I had been in hospital etc etc. But, I hated taking my meds in front of him or carrying them around. He had seen them and laughed at me for being a walking pharmacy... an upper, a downer, a stop you pooh, make you pooh, stop the pain etc etc. He would joke, but it made me fel uncomfortable. This was a guy who wouldn't take a pain killer if his leg was hanging off. I wanted to be more normal. All through this illness since 2006, I have been told that medication doesn't do anything. Dr T was dead against it and didn't like prescribing it. So, I thought it would be a good idea to stop. I stopped everything except 25mg of Quetiapine at night so that I wouldn't be awake all night. I thought I was doing ok. I didn't tell anyone at all I had stopped. And, so I thought I was ok. But I wasn't. I was different...not sad down, but loss of motivation, stopped going to the gym, needed a lot of sleep and felt as though I was weighed down with something. Come July, I was a bit of a mess really. I was so anxious and constantly asking my friends for approval and advice about what to do with R. Were things in my head etc etc etc.
I didn't bring it up with him as I didn't want to be that neurotic needy girlfriend. But, I think I was different.
Last week I thought he was being quite odd. He was not one to talk about his feelings and he would brush it off if he was quiet or something. But not this time when I brought it up. The result was basically him saying he wasn't sure what he wanted, and he thought a break would be a good idea. Me being me, ran off to the Lake District for some fresh air, hiking, scenery, photography and wide open spaces. I missed him like crazy. I spilled my heart to him in an email telling him how I felt and I got an email back saying he had thought about it and he thought we should end it. I told him fair enough, but he has at least got to see me in person so we can talk about it face to face as after that long together I deserved more than an email. So we did. And it ended. That's that.
Yes, I am upset. It was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I was managing to hold it together just enough the last couple of months as I really didn't want him to see that part of me.
It's weird...I love him so much, but what I am more upset is not losing him...it's what it all means to me. That I am 31, living in a rented small flat. My friends all have their own places or kids and are settled. I thought I was getting that in this relationship but, it appeared not. He said he had lost the spark and wasn't sure if he loved me now, and wasn't sure it was love at the start. So me being me...internalises it all. Me being me sees failure, standards, etc etc etc. It's more about that than losing him.
I do get upset about what could have been...the loss of the future. But, what has driven this breakdown more so is that I have yet again failed. That yet again this illness has ruined something for me. That I am faulty etc etc etc. So with the low mood over the last few weeks, the anxiety...WHAM suicidal thoughts and planning comes in again.
I feel so pathetic, that the break down of my relationship is what has landed me on a section. I feel like a silly teenager. I know deep down that it is more than the break up. It is more internalised about that. I am not crying "oh nooooo, he dumped me I best hurt myself to show the world how sad I am by this". It's the whole failure thing. It's the whole taking stock of my life and seeing where I am and not liking it. It is looking to the future and seeing the work I put in to being "normal", to having that conversation with him about the scars and where they came from, the being honest with another person, having to do all that over again. It is the worry that exactly the same thing will happen. The worry that I am 31, am still at college, living in a rented flat, still being slightly reliant on Mummy and Dadddy etc etc etc.
There is the hurt of losing him, but, maybe wrongly, I am telling myself that if the above is what is bothering me more, perhaps we weren't that suited. I don't know. I do love him, care about him. He is the second person I ever loved. I really don't know what's going on in my head,
While I was away last weekend, I had time to think, perhaps it wasn't the best thing to do (running away), and it was there I decided that I no longer wanted to live. Not if I had all of that ahead of me. That I was destined for a life of misery because of my stupid illness. Because of how it rules my life. The same things as usual really.
So, I reached out. I contacted crisis team. I told them how I was feeling...their response was distract yourself. So I told them to fuck off and I would manage on my own. A few hours later I have my GP, a AMHP and a Sec 12 doc at my door. I told them the same thing. I can manage on my own. I didn't need their input and I would not be working with crisis as I felt it was a waste of time, Where did that land me...170miles south of my home city in a private hospital (there were no beds any closer), and now... on high obs.
A few weeks ago I had a conversation with G, he said something a long the lines of as long as I will make sure you don't end up in hospital again as it is not beneficial to you. With this in my head I basically told the people in the MHA assessment to fuck off too. G was on leave last week so had no input. So, a section 2 for me.
They didn't have a bed straight away and I was on my own over night. The AMHP left at about 10pm, and he was back the next morning at 8.30am. I had had a phone call at around 5am from crisis telling me they had found a bed but transport wouldn't be available until later in the day. 5am! 5AM!!!! WTF. I was actually already awake, but, I don't see why they needed to call me then. The AMHP knocks on my door and tells me they've got a bed they are just working on getting an ambulance. Seriously an ambulance, to come get me.
Even though I knew I was going in to hospital, I prepared a stash of meds and things to harm my self with. Half way down here I took all the meds I had. Because I didn't have a bag with me the ambulance people didn't realise I had taken an OD and anti psychotics, sleeping pills and tricylic antidepressants. They thought I was just drowsy cos I hadn't slept the night before. I can't remember getting here at all. I think the staff just put me in bed as soon as I got here. The next morning I think they cottoned on that something wasn't right. I don't remember at all really, just blurry visions of not being able to walk and bumping in to things. It was when I saw the doc she said my speech was really slurred and something wasn't right, She asked me if I had taken anything, at first denied it but then admitted. I refused to go to hospital at first, but, being as though I am under a section I had no choice they said either I go in a taxi or the police and ambulance will come. Hospital just did bloods and said I was ok...I think. Well, I didn't need treatment and they let me go. By the time I got back my room had been stripped, they had found all my ligs and extra pills.
So now, I am on to my third night here and am now on 1.1 obs as of how I have been. Honestly I feel shit. I am finding it hard to rationalise anything. I feel like I did way back in 2011 when the hospital stuff all kicked off. I can't listen to anyone. And, I don't know how long I will be here for.
I am supposed to be seeing G on Monday...that's not going to happen unless they transfer me tomorrow back home. But, I have the staff here talking to me about therapy groups and being assessed for therapy etc etc. I don't want to do that. I know where I am with G. I know him and I can be open with him. I don't want to start all over again. I don't want to have to talk to people about my childhood etc etc etc etc. I don't want to go over everything and make it fresh. But, I am worried, they will want me to "engage" and if I don't it lessen my chances of getting anywhere.
The unit is a lot nicer than NHS...obviously, it's private and I think costs around £1000 a week. My parents looked in to sending me private back in 2011. And, knowing how much it is costing the NHS...how much I am costing the NHS makes me want to die even more because I am a waste of money. I have been in and out of hospital for 4 years now. 4 fucking years. OK, granted it's been a year since I was last in...but being quite a prominent patient in services. It's such a waste.
I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone here. I don't know anyone. They don't know me. They don't know my history. I don't want to go over everything again and again. In my home town, I have people that I know. I have G for therapy and if I am on the ward I know at least one member of staff per shift. It makes things so much easier...they can also tell when I am heading down a slippery slope of SH etc etc.
I am not sure if I need to be in hospital or if it's working. Would I be at the bottom of the river by now being left on my own. Would I have seriously OD be in ICU again. Am I saying I could cope so I could be left to my own devices? I don't know. I don't know what is best for me at the moment.
It's tough. I don't really know what to do.
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
Quick round up.
January...met a guy.
February...fell in love
March...went to India
April told him I loved him and he loved me.
April...stopped taking meds
May...start to feel down
June...get anxiety attacks
July...anxiety high. Feel very low. Thoughts of self harm etc etc
August...he ends relationship. Not sure if it was love after all.
September... Placed on section 2 and waiting for a bed.
Here's a lesson for you...don't stop taking your meds and don't tell anyone. It could land you on a section 2!
February...fell in love
March...went to India
April told him I loved him and he loved me.
April...stopped taking meds
May...start to feel down
June...get anxiety attacks
July...anxiety high. Feel very low. Thoughts of self harm etc etc
August...he ends relationship. Not sure if it was love after all.
September... Placed on section 2 and waiting for a bed.
Here's a lesson for you...don't stop taking your meds and don't tell anyone. It could land you on a section 2!
Monday, 15 December 2014
It's Not Getting Any Better....
Title says it all really.
After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.
I feel so alone. I feel awful.
My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.
And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.
And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.
That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.
After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.
I feel so alone. I feel awful.
My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.
And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.
And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.
That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.
Friday, 12 December 2014
And Again...
Sick of it. So sick of the feelings. I know I am looking at suicide as a way of escape. I don't think it is because I don't want to be alive. But, more that I don't want to be alive with the way things the way they are. I know there is no cure. There is recovery, but that is living with it. I don't want that. I don't want to live with this "thing" that follows me around. The thing that may lie dormant for a few weeks, but rears its ugly head. And when it does BHAM! It consumes me. It takes over every thought.
College is going well. But, I know since I have started the self harm and urges have got worse. I am looking at ways of control as I don't have any other way of control in my life. Not that I feel tangible anyway. And for me at the moment is making myself sick. It's practically every day now. If I had the opportunity, every meal. But, I am wary about doing it in public places. I have done a couple of times, but I worry about people hearing me and knowing what I am doing. I have been blood letting again too.
And now, well, for the last few weeks, I have started thinking and researching ways in which I can end my life. A way out. At the moment I am a bit obsessed with anti freeze. I have read many stories of people where it has worked. I have even bought a bottle. But, the stuff I have is mixed with the bitterant stuff which makes it taste horrid. But I figure, it's there if I really need it. It is my safety net.
I feel so alone at the moment. Places where I would usually find refuge don't give it me. Before I was spending a lot of time at my parents. But, now I can't. It makes me worse. My Mum has decided she's not drinking again. Not just going to cut down or watch it, but cold turkey. And yet again, she is making a massive thing of it. It's quite irritating. More so, because I know it won't last. And the whole cycle of her getting pissed and laying in to my Dad will start again. But, the weird thing is, since she stopped drinking the atmosphere in the house is awful. It's gone back to how it was in 2010 and before. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells. My Dad is in a constant mood and on edge. You have to be really careful what you say and do. My brother is baring a lot of it too. I know he is totally skint and can't really afford to eat or heat his flat. So, I know he has been spending quite a bit of time there as he can eat their food and use their heat. But, it's getting to my Dad him being there quite a lot. My brother isn't the tidiest of people and spreads himself out over the whole house. He is also not really working that much. So, it pisses my Dad off when he has been out at work all day that he comes home to him being on the sofa and his mess. So, I can kind of see where my Dad is coming from. But he is not tactful. He is really abrupt and quite mean about it. I feel awful and upset by the way he speaks to him and my brother gets upset and angry and ends up storming off. Which in turn upsets my Mum and makes her angry and she then gets upset with my Dad. It's a spiral.
I saw G last week and he said something about me trying to be a peacekeeper and I let other peoples problems affect me and I shouldn't as there is nothing I can do about them. It pissed me off, and I told him, because I can't not care about how people who are close to me are feeling and what is going on in their life. That would make me a really selfish, self obsessed person and I am not prepared to be that person. I can't not care about what is going on in the life of people who I am close to. Who wouldn't be?
I don't feel as though I have anyone I can talk to about everything. It's not just that that is going on. There's more. But I feel so alone. I can't talk to my friends as they have all their own stuff going on. Obviously I can't talk to family or really spend much time with them as the atmosphere is just a reminder of what is going on. Friends are all busy too, and I don't have access to a car. So, I am pretty much alone. And I feel as though I am doing something wrong because it is effecting me so much. I don't see G until Thursday and he is the only person I feel I can talk to about it. And I am already expecting the answer to be a long the lines of how I need to distance myself. Well, I can't. So what does that mean?
I have tried ringing and speaking to someone on the team I am under, But the thing is they don't know me. They don't know anything about me. I spoke to someone and all they basically told me was distract myself. Nothing else. And on top of that. Because I have told them I won't be seeing Dr T again as I am not putting myself through the stress and anxiety, they have basically said I can't see anyone else until the referral for the new doctor is put through. So even in ringing them I feel like I am wasting my time as there is nothing I can do.
In my city they have closed down 2 MH wards. One male and one female, both with about 22 beds. In doing this they are supposed to have made CRHT services better. I don't know what that really means. Because I haven't really seen any improvement. I know that the calls no longer go through to the 136 suite after 9pm and do go through to someone in the crisis team. But that is the only improvement.
I don't honestly know what I can do. I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I am in a constant pain. I just want to sleep my way through it. I can't stand it.
OK, I don't feel like this all the time. There are some weeks where I am happier and not depressed. There are some days where I feel quite happy. But that is not enough. Because the majority of the time I am not. I am not a happy person. I have struggles most the time. So, telling me it will get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't really help. Because, I have been there far too many times. It does get better eventually, but, it will also end up like this again. I do want a future where I am successful etc. I want the whole family 2.4 kids thing. But, it's not exactly likely when I won't let anyone in to my life. I don't want to share it with anyone. I see ending my life as an escape. A way of running away. I haven't given up. I am still trying to get to college, to do college work and do it well. Part of me thinks how can I be suicidal and still working towards a future. But, I think that is because suicide is an escape. But I am sure ask most people who are suicidal if they could live if it were a happier life and things wouldn't be as they are now. I am sure they would take the live happier option.
But, because I am still going to college, because I am trying to live my life. I am getting pushed aside. I think people think that because I am doing that, I am working towards a future, then they can't really be suicidal thoughts. So basically I should go take a bath, put some music on, light some candles sit down and relax. Because my non suicidal thoughts will disappear. Because after all, they are not really suicidal thoughts.
College is going well. But, I know since I have started the self harm and urges have got worse. I am looking at ways of control as I don't have any other way of control in my life. Not that I feel tangible anyway. And for me at the moment is making myself sick. It's practically every day now. If I had the opportunity, every meal. But, I am wary about doing it in public places. I have done a couple of times, but I worry about people hearing me and knowing what I am doing. I have been blood letting again too.
And now, well, for the last few weeks, I have started thinking and researching ways in which I can end my life. A way out. At the moment I am a bit obsessed with anti freeze. I have read many stories of people where it has worked. I have even bought a bottle. But, the stuff I have is mixed with the bitterant stuff which makes it taste horrid. But I figure, it's there if I really need it. It is my safety net.
I feel so alone at the moment. Places where I would usually find refuge don't give it me. Before I was spending a lot of time at my parents. But, now I can't. It makes me worse. My Mum has decided she's not drinking again. Not just going to cut down or watch it, but cold turkey. And yet again, she is making a massive thing of it. It's quite irritating. More so, because I know it won't last. And the whole cycle of her getting pissed and laying in to my Dad will start again. But, the weird thing is, since she stopped drinking the atmosphere in the house is awful. It's gone back to how it was in 2010 and before. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells. My Dad is in a constant mood and on edge. You have to be really careful what you say and do. My brother is baring a lot of it too. I know he is totally skint and can't really afford to eat or heat his flat. So, I know he has been spending quite a bit of time there as he can eat their food and use their heat. But, it's getting to my Dad him being there quite a lot. My brother isn't the tidiest of people and spreads himself out over the whole house. He is also not really working that much. So, it pisses my Dad off when he has been out at work all day that he comes home to him being on the sofa and his mess. So, I can kind of see where my Dad is coming from. But he is not tactful. He is really abrupt and quite mean about it. I feel awful and upset by the way he speaks to him and my brother gets upset and angry and ends up storming off. Which in turn upsets my Mum and makes her angry and she then gets upset with my Dad. It's a spiral.
I saw G last week and he said something about me trying to be a peacekeeper and I let other peoples problems affect me and I shouldn't as there is nothing I can do about them. It pissed me off, and I told him, because I can't not care about how people who are close to me are feeling and what is going on in their life. That would make me a really selfish, self obsessed person and I am not prepared to be that person. I can't not care about what is going on in the life of people who I am close to. Who wouldn't be?
I don't feel as though I have anyone I can talk to about everything. It's not just that that is going on. There's more. But I feel so alone. I can't talk to my friends as they have all their own stuff going on. Obviously I can't talk to family or really spend much time with them as the atmosphere is just a reminder of what is going on. Friends are all busy too, and I don't have access to a car. So, I am pretty much alone. And I feel as though I am doing something wrong because it is effecting me so much. I don't see G until Thursday and he is the only person I feel I can talk to about it. And I am already expecting the answer to be a long the lines of how I need to distance myself. Well, I can't. So what does that mean?
I have tried ringing and speaking to someone on the team I am under, But the thing is they don't know me. They don't know anything about me. I spoke to someone and all they basically told me was distract myself. Nothing else. And on top of that. Because I have told them I won't be seeing Dr T again as I am not putting myself through the stress and anxiety, they have basically said I can't see anyone else until the referral for the new doctor is put through. So even in ringing them I feel like I am wasting my time as there is nothing I can do.
In my city they have closed down 2 MH wards. One male and one female, both with about 22 beds. In doing this they are supposed to have made CRHT services better. I don't know what that really means. Because I haven't really seen any improvement. I know that the calls no longer go through to the 136 suite after 9pm and do go through to someone in the crisis team. But that is the only improvement.
I don't honestly know what I can do. I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I am in a constant pain. I just want to sleep my way through it. I can't stand it.
OK, I don't feel like this all the time. There are some weeks where I am happier and not depressed. There are some days where I feel quite happy. But that is not enough. Because the majority of the time I am not. I am not a happy person. I have struggles most the time. So, telling me it will get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't really help. Because, I have been there far too many times. It does get better eventually, but, it will also end up like this again. I do want a future where I am successful etc. I want the whole family 2.4 kids thing. But, it's not exactly likely when I won't let anyone in to my life. I don't want to share it with anyone. I see ending my life as an escape. A way of running away. I haven't given up. I am still trying to get to college, to do college work and do it well. Part of me thinks how can I be suicidal and still working towards a future. But, I think that is because suicide is an escape. But I am sure ask most people who are suicidal if they could live if it were a happier life and things wouldn't be as they are now. I am sure they would take the live happier option.
But, because I am still going to college, because I am trying to live my life. I am getting pushed aside. I think people think that because I am doing that, I am working towards a future, then they can't really be suicidal thoughts. So basically I should go take a bath, put some music on, light some candles sit down and relax. Because my non suicidal thoughts will disappear. Because after all, they are not really suicidal thoughts.
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