Wednesday 9th September

Anxiety in over drive. Just had a quick session with G. I feel so anxious now. It has brought things to the surface. He knows I haven’t been eating. I admitted I felt really anxious about it now and didn’t feel as though I could. He practically dragged me to the dining room after the session. I picked up 2 satsumas and now they are there in front of me and I can’t eat them. I have this thing that it is something I can control. Everything else is going to shit around me and I can’t control anything. But, I can control what I eat. It’s stupid. I already feel like a failure, if I eat it will reaffirm my belief that I am a failure. It’s been a week since I had anything at all. And, then, it was only half a sandwich that they made me have at that private place. Before that, I ate as little as possible. While I was on my running away thing up north, I had some breakfast each morning. Usually one piece of bacon, an egg, black pudding and a piece of toast. That is all I had all day and I only had that because I was going walking and I didn’t want to pass out on a mountain. I don’t know how long it is since I had a meal. Or a meal I didn’t throw up after, it’s been over 2 weeks. I’ve got it in my head now that I need to control this. I can’t control anything else. I can’t eat yet. I hadn’t actually told anyone the whole idea of eating makes me really anxious. He said in my face he could tell I hadn’t been eating as I look all drawn and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. That I need to eat for my meds to work properly.

I had a urine test and it showed that there were ketones in it. This means that the body is not breaking down glucose to create energy, but fat. They are saying it is a bad thing, to me it seems like a good thing.
I talked a bit about R today. I really miss him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. That I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t show or talk about their emotions as I over think things and try to read in to everything. I need someone to be straight with me. I miss him so much it hurts. I really want to cry about it, but I am on high obs and I hate crying in front of people.

I’ve got really big urges to do something. The anxiety around food, talking to G and the whole thing with R has really got to me now. I feel overwhelmed. I am on high obs, I should really make use of the staff that I have around me. I need to be good and make the best of it.