Not Going In

I had another doctor come with the social worker and they didn't think it would be beneficial to go. They said they're going to take a therapeutic risk and leave me at home.  The medical recommendations still stand. So if they want they can haul me in at any point over the next 14 days.

Back on a Section

I was released. I was told to leave the ward last week. I've not even been off the ward a week and I'm back on a section.
Being sent out of area. I'm scared. It's a secure place. Hopefully it's temporary.

Disconnected.

I feel disconnected from the world. I feel like I am living in a dream and that things aren't really happening. That at some point I am going to wake up in my own bed. I feel like I am here but the world is passing me by and things are happening around me and I have no control over it. I am just standing there watching everything happen, but I am not a part of it.

I don't feel like a whole person.I am very disjointed. Things are all over the place.

Maybe things will click back in to place after xmas. I really don't like Xmas and dread it each year. That is quite clear in my previous blog posts. I thought I had a review today with the doc, but she is on annual leave. I am quite happy I didn't though. I don't really have much to say to her.

Still in Hospital

Yup, I'm still here. I am now informal though. However, I am being referred to somewhere longer term. I am hoping that things click in to place before then. I know if I am at home I will end up acting on the feelings that I have. I can't manage them. I don't know why things haven't clicked in to place by now. Things usually do. I have been here about 9-10 weeks now. It's a long admission.

I attempted to go in the river again last Friday. I was a bit of a mess. There was something in me that said it's not the best idea and I need to speak to someone. So, I called the ward. I told them I was struggling. I couldn't hear a word that was being said so I hung up the phone. Next thing I know 2 police officers appear. I tried to jump then but they grabbed me. I tried to fight them but that didn't work. I ended up in the ED as I had taken some pills too, Most of the time was spent trying to get away. I don't know what was going through my head. At one point I have 4 people restraining me yet I still tried to fight them off.

Currently, there is a small part of me that thinks I shouldn't end my life. I am trying to focus on that, but, the longer it goes on, the more set I am on the idea that I should and it seems as though it is the right thing to do.

I have deferred from college. I tried to go back. But I couldn't do it. It was a horrendous experience. I was practically ignored from people in my class. And, I couldn't do the work. I had really struggled to make the decision on whether or not to go back. I wasn't going to. Then I went to see my tutor and he made me feel a lot better about it. So, I gave it a go. I did 2 days and I was a mess. What gets me though is, I really struggled with the decision. I didn't know whether or not \I should go back. Everyone at the hospital was telling me I should and it would be good for me. Then, when I tried and decided to defer people turned around and told me that I had made the right decision. I spoke to G about it the day or so after and he said I had made the right decision. When I asked him why he didn't tell me that to start with he said he thought it best I make my own decision and try it. That if I hadn't, I may have been left wondering about it and regretted my decision that I didn't try. Annoyed me a bit. Wish he had just said to start that he thought I should defer...he's usually right in what he says. I don't think I have ever proved him wrong on anything... that's annoying to admit.

It worries me that I may end up somewhere long term. That I will be locked up. If I am sent somewhere else I will lose G and all the team I have around me. I have a good relationship with G, I trust him and he is useful. I don't want to start from the beginning all over again. I don't want to go over all those things that I found so hard to discuss with him. I worry that if I am somewhere like that, that starting from all that will put me in a bad way and will lengthen the time I have to spend there. I am informal at the moment though. I am not sure anywhere will take me because of that. I know that the referral hasn't actually been made yet. I am wondering if they know this too. Maybe, if I can just get Xmas and New Year out of the way, then things will click in after that. That's the thing...I don't know, I get what they are saying. That we don't know. They can't keep saying ok ok... two more weeks. Because, how long is that going to go on for? They need to have a plan. I think there is only 2-3 other people on a ward of 14 who have been here longer than me. That's not good.

I am scared too. I am scared of both ways in which this will go. I know I can't manage at home. Being here is a respite from fighting/coping/not acting on thoughts. I can't just walk out and go take a huge OD, or go to the river. It is stopping the impulsiveness in me. And that's good I suppose...well the bit of me that is more positive. But, at the same time, I really don't want to go anywhere. I will lose everything. I have a flat, I have stuff. I will lose all that. I suppose I will if I am dead, but then I won't know anything about it. So what can I do?

I am trying to get on with life and do things that I enjoy. I have my bike here so I can go out on that, I am going hiking, I am doing photography stuff. I am trying to do those normal things which I enjoy, but, nothing is working. I am sick and tired of it all. I can't keep trying and not getting anywhere. I asked what else I can do, and the staff say there isn't really anything and I just need to keep going with what I am doing. But that isn't working. I have had enough!!!!

Oh fuck

So... It's a long story. A long fucking story. I've been in hospital for around 8weeks. They're contemplating sending me to a long term place again. I'm not sure what to say. I have told them that I'm not good. That I can't manage on my own. I can't do it. All I can do is be honest. So does that mean I'm going to locked rehab? Maybe it does. Especially after tonight. I really fucked up. Big time. I am not sure what to do with myself.

Not Discharged

Today was planned discharge date. Not surprised that I haven't been though. After the OD last week and last night cutting really bad and swallowing stuff. I refused to go to hospital at first but they said they would get the police involved and make me go if I didn't. I had them sort out my leg but I wouldn't let them x-ray me. My reason for that was because I had swallowed loads of stuff. I had told them it was only one bit. I knew if they saw the x-ray they would want to keep me in and I didn't want to stay in. I hate that place. It makes me so anxious being there.

The cuts were quite bad and they couldn't give me enough local anaesthetic, so they gave me gas too. That's great stuff. I was proper out of it. It was like I was really pissed and I was hallucinating. But, it did really hurt.

So the plan. If I am better in 2 weeks, discharge. If not...discharge or...referral to low secure place. I don't quite understand. They are polar opposites of each other. I will have some time with my key worker tomorrow and ask her their reasoning behind this. I really don't understand.

I really feel as though I have lost control at the moment. I don't know which way things are going. I am feeling suicidal, and I have plans and methods lined up. I can see that things can be better than they are now, but, I can also see that things will be where they are now again and again. This isn't a blip as some would say. I am so confused as to what is going on. I really don't feel as though I have any control over where things are going. The urges to run are huge. I want to go to the river. I want to drink myself in to oblivion and then jump in the river and die. I want to drink the antifreeze I have at home. I want to wait for the order of Amitriptyline to arrive and take those. I have a few plans. Another idea I have is getting hold of some fast acting insulin and causing a hypo. That would be painless and quick.

I want to die. But, I also have to think about college. I am supposed to be going back next week. I don't want to. After everything that has been said to me by one of the girls in the group, I feel I am going to be really up against it from the class. That they feel that it's unfair that I have been able to have the time off and they have had stress and they haven't. She basically  told me the class are pissed off that I am coming back. That's nice. So, basically I won't have any support. I am telling myself that I don't want to go back. I have done a pros and cons list about going back and there appears to be more cons about it. But, the staff here think I should be going back. I am wondering if they know best. Or do I? I don't know if I can cope from the pressure of the course. The pressure I put myself under. And this could cummilate in me doing something and ending up back in here. Or worse....PICU where fingers is. I don't know if I know best, or if they do. They want me to go back to college next week and come back here after. This will be the first week at college. They think it would be beneficial for me to have the support. But, that's all well and good, but what happens when I'm not here and I don't have the support of staff. You could say that I put myself under too much pressure, that I have set my standards too high and that I need to relax a bit over it. But, that's not going to happen

The reasons I think I should go back...are because of other people. That they have expectations of me. That, some people think I am taking the piss by being ill and I need to just suck it up and get on with it. I suppose really, they aren't great friends. But, having them is better than having no friends at all. They are fun to go drinking with etc. But, when it comes to this....they are useless. I thought one of my friends was in America until Wednesday. I whatsapped her today about something asking what time she got back Wednesday and she said she got back on Saturday. She didn't think to text me to see how I was or what is going on with me. None of them know I am still in hospital because they haven't asked. No one has once asked how I am. Sounds stupid, but this really made me cry. I am over emotional at the moment. Today I am tired (I was up all night at hospital and then couldn't sleep), I am in pain because of my leg, and I am on my period. On top of that the same shit running through my head at full on speed.

Do I feel safer in hospital? Do I want to be here? I suppose on some level, I must do. Or I wouldn't have been honest and told them that as soon as I get out I am going through with my plans and that if they took me off the section I wouldn't stay. I could have lied and said I knew I was stupid self harming. I knew I was stupid ODing, that the feelings are still there and I am trying to work through them. But, I didn't. I knew if I told the truth they would keep me. Although, before I went in to review they had a meeting with G (my CPN and community doc were supposed to be there too but weren't my CPN pissed me off as she has cancelled the last two appointments with me...not giving me a good impression of her really) and I asked a nurse who was also in that meeting what was said in it and she said they had pretty much decided I would be in for two more weeks. So, maybe what I said had no bearing at all. They had already made up their minds. Don't know why she bothered asking me the questions really.

I really need a cuddle. Wow, just writing that has made me tear up and start crying. What the fuck is going on. I think they need to introduce pet therapy on to the wards. I need a cuddle with my dog. I find it really therapeutic snuggling her. And that's another worry...she's really old and not doing well at all. She hasn't got long left in her now. I've had her longer than I've not had her. She is great at reading your mood and knows when you want snuggles and she lets me play with her ears...I think she likes it too. She's not that affectionate with anyone else but she is with me.

I've been here before: Where long term secure has been an option. It terrifies me. But, there's something weird in me that wants to push them see how far they are willing to go. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am not getting enough from what I am getting. Maybe it would validate how I feel and make others see just how serious it is and it is something that I can't just suck up. There is something in me that wants to have someone completely take over. If I didn't have my own flat, then, I would probably push it. I feel as though I need to have someone else have control as I can't control it. But, I think their thinking is at the moment I need to try and regain some control and that's why I should be given leave etc. That I should go back to college. I feel so detached from everything. Even after last night...I want to SH again. I want to do something. Even with the threat of low secure hanging over me....I want to do a runner to the river. I want to drink in to oblivion and jump in.

I really really don't know what to do. My head is a mess. It's all fucked up. But, I getting a bit of a high off the tramadol. My leg is so painful. And there are very few painkillers I can take without getting sick, even though this is probably over kill, I can't take anything codeine based, or diclofenac, and I had a reaction to nefapam last week. The only one I haven't is tramadol, which is weird considering how much stronger it is.

I asked one of the girls on the ward if she smoked weed...I knew she had done other drugs. I've asked to to give the phone number of one of her contacts so I can get some weed. I think it may actually help at the moment.

I am beginning to waffle now. I didn't think I had so much to write about.

Quick Update

Still in hospital under a section 3.

I am doubtful that I will be discharged Monday as was the plan. I did a runner and took an OD. Ended up coming round in resus with a nurse from the ward with me. I can't remember much. But, my plan was to take the meds and get to the river. The meds kicked in before I made it to the river. I passed out in the street somewhere near the river...so close but so far. I had been pouching some of my meds and I used those to take an OD. I didn't think that they would do much on their own other than make me sleepy. I didn't expect it to give me heart and bp problems. My keyworker asked me where I got the meds from and I was honest with her. She has it in her head that I don't think I deserve the meds. She is blaming me not taking those meds properly in 3 weeks on how I am feeling now. I don't know why she thinks I think I don't deserve them. I don't think that way. I was pouching them as I was planning on doing what I did. I knew the effect (well thought I knew) of what they did.I didn't expect them to work so quickly and make me pass out. Maybe having them with alcohol increased the effect of them.

My keyworker is nice. I have a band 6 nurse as mine, which is useful as she has a lot of say in how things go on the ward. So, if I raise something with her she can react to it and get it done because she is all their boss. She's nice, but, she has those "oh poor you" eyes and talks like ahhhh awwww awwww poor you....but without actually saying that. Maybe she does feel for me, but it seems a bit much at times. Sometimes G's approach of "what the fuck K, what are you messing around at...that's bull shit etc etc etc" helps. He is a real person and pretty much says what he thinks.

I still have plans and I have ordered some meds online. I have the plan of the river still and want to go ahead with that plan. It's getting colder now so I would think that the plan of the river would happen quite quickly.

I don't really want to go back to college. It hasn't helped that the person who is closest to my age has been very unsupportive. Has been rude and very unkind. I can't face another 7 months of that. I can't handle the work. And...if I am planning on ending my life it's no use to me anyway.I think the meds will come the middle of next week. I plan on trying to get to the river again tomorrow or Sunday. I just need to make sure the member of staff who is with me can't run. And, I wouldn't want to run from someone I like. I would feel bad about that. The weekend is usually bank staff who don't have a clue about anything.

I am not even sure how long I have been here now. It is either 6,7 or 8 weeks. I really don't know. It's weird though, in the past, I have known it is time to go when I get bored. I have not been bored. I am worried that is a sign that I should be here. I don't want to be. I want to be free to carry out my plan and not have interference.

Rahhhh!

My key worker thinks I will be in another 4 weeks if things go well. That's not the news I wanted to hear.

I am trying to distract myself. The thoughts are really intense. I am not sleeping properly, but that may be because I am pouching the quetiapine and just having a nibble out of it. It's enough so I am not getting full on withdrawal, but it does mean I am not sleeping the best. I am just biding my time and trying to appear as normal as possible. They'll let me go if I come across as sane and keep my mouth shut.

I have found the last couple of days that I haven't taken it I am not as hungry and not eating as much, so that is actually making me feel better about myself. Although, it also means I don't have the benefits of the drug. However, on the other hand, it's fun to OD on. I've got some saved up from not taking them. In a week or so, I will have enough to make me feel quite out of it, with that and the alcohol I get I will float nicely away to the end.

Behaviour

I feel every behaviour I have it put under scrutiny and it is just leading to a label as me being unstable. Take today. The nurse as soon as she saw me was telling me I needed to take my meds that moment, if I didn't I couldn't have a cigarette. I don't have my meds until 11. She was quite adamant as I hadn't taken them a couple of times when she was on last week, but, I have king of started a regime with them again. I don't take one of them, I hide that one and take a small bite out of it. I hate what it does to me. It dulls me. It sedates me too much. And, it makes me eat. I can't fill myself. I don't want to be like that when I have worked so hard to lose weight. I can't stop it completely as I really bad withdrawal effects from it.

Obviously I was quite angry with this nurse. They think I am taking all meds each night, and have been since Wednesday. So, I was pissed off that the first time she saw me she was up in my face. I got angry at her and told her how it had been for the last few nights and to ask the nurse she was going meds with as she has been on the last couple of nights. She soon calmed down. But I was pissed off. I then was muttering under my breath about how she is the only one who gets up all in my face about it making me anxious. She stormed out the med room having a go at me saying I was telling lies to the other patients and it wasn't fair on her. I was just muttering to myself about how I felt. I just said if that's what you think then fair enough but I wasn't. I have issues with this nurse. I get they want to check I am ok at night. I have asked them not to turn the light on, but I wedge the door so then can quietly pop and in make sure I am ok. She doesn't quietly pop in, she comes in all guns blazing and rips the covers from me. I can't sleep without the window open as it is suffocating in those rooms. The mattress is plastic as are the duvets and pillows so you can imagine you can get quite hot, so you need the window open to breath fresh air and so that I can sleep how I like...all snuggled up. It makes me feel a bit secure and less anxious. I am aware people need to look at me at night...I don't have the best history. But to come in so noisily and yank the blankets off me, it's as though she is doing it to make a point.

I've had a bad day today and have been very close to cutting and tying up to try and kill myself. I have managed the thoughts on my own.I hadn't acted on them, I came close and I had it planned. But I didn't. Then she comes on and all those thoughts just come back even stronger. I am not going to talk to her about it, because my early behaviour of shouting at her and getting angry will reinforce their theory that I am not stable.

I feel everything I do is just feeding in to their theory that I am not stable.
I don't think there is anything to do.
I don't know what I have to do to get out of here. I am taking my meds (mostly), I talk to staff, I do what they tell me to do. But, I have that thing there where I know I want to kill myself and I know how I will do it. I can't see that thought changing. I don't think I have low mood. So, it's not as though the judgement is based on that. It is something I have to do. I can't see the ward changing my views on this.

So, I don't know how I am going to get out of here. If I lie and I say I have changed my mind I don't think that they will believe me. I am adamant about this.

I've been hearing a voice that is telling me I need to work on getting away from here by forms of escape. That things won't change for me. That what I want to do is the right option. It's like someone has infiltrated my thoughts and they are projecting their thoughts in to my head. It's like an internal conversation and all I can say is I am trying. I am looking for misplaced keys, I am looking for a bank staff member to let me off the wall. Now the nights are dark at 5pm, I think I may find this easier. But, on the other hand, I need to wait until the majority of staff have left and all that is left is ward staff. So, it would need to be around 8pm. I know where I will run to and who I will call to come get me. I know where I will go to get alcohol, and I have been storing those meds which make me drowsy. The alcohol will stop me feeling the cold and the meds will make me relax. So even though the water is cold at night, I think I will be ok. This male voice is telling me how much of an inconvience I am to other people. That I am a horrible person for the things I done in the past.

I'm having some pretty intense dreams to where people who I have been close to who have died have been telling me they are waiting for me and to hurry up. With my own thoughts, that I am clear on, I know what I have in my mind is the right thing to do and it's what I need to do.

Section 3

I've been put on a section 3. I don't really understand it. I have been told so many times that being in hospital is not beneficial to me. Yet, they put me on a section 3. I don't understand why.

I think I will be in for at least a couple of weeks. My doctor is off all next week and so I won't be reviewed again until the Tuesday at the earliest. My section 2 wasn't due to end until a week on Saturday. Seems wrong that it can be assessed so early in to the 2. I may look at legal support over this.

I am not sure what I am doing at the moment. I can't face the tribunal process. That would make me ill in itself.

Grrrr

I am so anxious. I am trying to distract myself. Not sure what to say. I can’t think in a coherent way, so not sure why I think I can write.

I don’t like what the medication does to me. I hate being on meds. I didn’t take it last night. I didn’t sleep. I figure the withdrawal will only be a couple of days, I can deal with that. Also means I can not eat too. I feel better knowing I have that under control. The medication makes me hungry. I want to eat all the time. I think some of it is boredom too, but, for today, I have that under control.

I told them I don’t want to see the doctor, I wouldn’t go in to see her. I don’t see the point in sitting there and being told I am wrong. I am clear about what I want. They know that. But, they don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to hear them telling me my thoughts are wrong. So, I figured I just wouldn’t go in. I am supposed to be seeing G tomorrow. I think I will tell them to cancel him. I don’t want to sit there while he gets pissed off at me and tell me I am wrong too. His time is better spent with someone who will benefit from it. 

I think they are trying to wind me up on purpose to make me flip. 

Still Feeling The Same

Still on a section 2. Not managed to run. Not been allowed to leave the ward in about 10days now. I feel as though I am in prison. I feel like a caged animal. Being in my room and suddenly the light going on and people peering through the window at me, watching me. I feel as though I am being punished because my thoughts don't conform with the majority.

I feel like a waste of space. I waste of air. Suppose so called friends who have "understanding don't help". I was saying to her I felt really guilty as all I am doing is sitting in a corner all day and watching stuff on netflix. That there are people on my college course who are really stressed out as it was hand in yesterday on a project that I have had to drop as I haven't been in the right frame of mind to work. Her reply was why haven't you done something while you are in hospital? I tried to explain to her that I lack the ability to read anything and produce a coherent sentence about it. All she said was that I sounded coherent to her. Being judged YET AGAIN!

They all do it. They all judge me. I think they think it's something I can snap out of. Something that I am wrong because I am here. That, well, not that they're jealous, but, somehow resent that I am not working full time, that I am here. That I am somehow weak and that I use this as some way of a reasoning for not being in work full time. I think they think I have it easy and that they wish they could "sit around all day doing nothing". I think I have said it before, but, I wish so much I was able to work full time. That I had been able to complete my social work training and be working as a social worker full time. That I had that 9-5 career. I'm sure they think that I should take just any job and if needs be move back with my parents and "suck it up". They all have their own shit. They don't have the luxury of falling a part as I have done. I am lucky.

I realised just now, only one of my "friends" has actually contacted me to see if I am ok. One of the girls texts me her usual trivial shit about her cats or something equally as inane. BUt, she has not once asked how things are. It has been me who volunteered. I get that I may have let them down in someway because I may have made plans. Or that they're busy But, it doesn't take 2 minutes to send a text to ask how things are.

Is it me. Am I being over sensitive. Am I over thinking and reading in to things wrong. Or, am I right in my thinking? Is it because this is my I don't know how many times now I've been in hospital that they don't actually care that much? If I was on a medical ward because of a medical illness, would things be different? If I had a medical illness that wiped me out as much as mental illness, would things be different?

On top of this, my brother hasn't contacted me once in the two weeks I have been here. And my Mum makes it seem as though I am inconvienience. That she is not sure she can find time in her such busy schedule to come see me and on the way stop at a shop to pick me up something for lunch or some tobacco.

I hate being reliant on people. I hate asking people to do things for me. One friend, ONE makes the effort to message me everyday. Asks how things are and asks me if I want her to do some shopping for me and drop it in for me. She'll go out of her way for me.

I get this sounds like "oh, poor me". But...I feel shit!

The Insignificance Of One

What is significant about life? I am one of billions of people, there were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why is there so much preciousness (I know that's not a word) put on life. And especially mine.

Why am I in hospital?

Why are they stopping me from doing what I want to do. Why am I being punished for realising the insignificance. I have clarity. Yet, it's as though they are wanting to shut me up.

 It's like something out of 1984. The Thought Police want to keep me quiet. They don't want me to put my views on to other people or to do what is right. I am being kept quiet. I am being made to stay here, a symbolic room 101 until I give in and come around to their way of thinking.

They will make me take their medication. They will make me see doctors/nurses/other "professionals" until I tell them that they are right and I am wrong.

What is the point in life. There were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why am I being kept here. Why? What is the significance of one. Life is nothing.

For now I will sit here biding my time. I will sit on my laptop and spend my time watching crap on Netflix, listening to music etc etc. But, the time will come. My time will come when I get to do what is right.

No Change

I am obsessed by the river at the moment. I don’t know why. All my thoughts seem to be how I can get out of the hospital and get to the river. I thought I may have been presented with an opportunity last night but that didn’t happen. A wound has reopened on my leg and it is quite deep. I didn’t re open it myself, but I suppose it is my own fault. I shaved my legs and it pulled some of the sutures out. So it reopened. I have to get it seen to but, I won’t be going to hospital as they need 2 members of staff to take me as of my flight risk. So, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Besides, I don’t want to go anywhere with a 2 member of staff escort. People stare. So, I would rather leave a hole in my leg than that.

I am always looking at my ways of escape from the ward. I have a review with the doc later, I am hoping she may give me some leave and if she does I can escape then. If not, I have positioned a chair near the fence outside, I think I could probably hop the fence if needs be. I will have to wait until it is dark though.

I am not sure if being in hospital is making things worse for me. I feel anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know why I am here. OK, I know being suicidal is probably the case, but, I have been suicidal before and haven’t been sectioned. I don’t understand what is different this time. I am seeing G tomorrow. I am feeling quite apprehensive about it. It will be the first time I have seen him since that night he was at my flat and I was assessed. I can’t remember what I had said to him or what really happened. I am not sure if he will fill me in or not. I may try get access to my notes to see what happened. But then on the other hand, I am not sure if I want to see any of G’s notes.

So the section 2 still stands and I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I have no idea how long I am likely to be here for. I have a feeling it’s going to be a while. It worries me with G thinking I needed to be in too. If he still thinks that, then I am screwed as he is the person who knows me the best. 

Another Section 2

I am not sure how it happened. I have no recollection of the assessment and no memory of getting here. But, a week ago I ended up on another section 2. I was supposed to see G last Friday, but I cancelled as I didn't think it would be helpful as I couldn't put any order to my thoughts. But then, at around 6pm last Friday night there was a knock at my door and G was standing there. I think my words were "what the fuck are you doing here"? I vaguely remember him saying he was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok and him saying they were coming to do an assessment that evening. But, I can't remember anything else.

The last week has been awful. I don't really know what is going on. I have ran off twice and ended up in the local river twice. It has become something of an obsession. I am putting on an act. I am ok, I am ok, I am ok. If I say it enough to them they may believe me. Hey, if I say it enough, I may believe it myself. Like in this song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0ecA5ez6is

I feel like I am high. But, I have the negative thoughts. I feel really weird. I have never felt like this before.

Quick Update

Things are going shit. Basically. Crisis team are as useful as a chocolate tea pot. There's not much point in them. They want to up their input. I can't see the point. I'm not in hospital. I discharged myself a couple of weeks back. I thought things were ok then. But they're obviously not.

Thoughts to end it are so intense. I can't fight them.

Wednesday 9th September

Anxiety in over drive. Just had a quick session with G. I feel so anxious now. It has brought things to the surface. He knows I haven’t been eating. I admitted I felt really anxious about it now and didn’t feel as though I could. He practically dragged me to the dining room after the session. I picked up 2 satsumas and now they are there in front of me and I can’t eat them. I have this thing that it is something I can control. Everything else is going to shit around me and I can’t control anything. But, I can control what I eat. It’s stupid. I already feel like a failure, if I eat it will reaffirm my belief that I am a failure. It’s been a week since I had anything at all. And, then, it was only half a sandwich that they made me have at that private place. Before that, I ate as little as possible. While I was on my running away thing up north, I had some breakfast each morning. Usually one piece of bacon, an egg, black pudding and a piece of toast. That is all I had all day and I only had that because I was going walking and I didn’t want to pass out on a mountain. I don’t know how long it is since I had a meal. Or a meal I didn’t throw up after, it’s been over 2 weeks. I’ve got it in my head now that I need to control this. I can’t control anything else. I can’t eat yet. I hadn’t actually told anyone the whole idea of eating makes me really anxious. He said in my face he could tell I hadn’t been eating as I look all drawn and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. That I need to eat for my meds to work properly.

I had a urine test and it showed that there were ketones in it. This means that the body is not breaking down glucose to create energy, but fat. They are saying it is a bad thing, to me it seems like a good thing.
I talked a bit about R today. I really miss him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. That I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t show or talk about their emotions as I over think things and try to read in to everything. I need someone to be straight with me. I miss him so much it hurts. I really want to cry about it, but I am on high obs and I hate crying in front of people.

I’ve got really big urges to do something. The anxiety around food, talking to G and the whole thing with R has really got to me now. I feel overwhelmed. I am on high obs, I should really make use of the staff that I have around me. I need to be good and make the best of it.

Tuesday 8th September

I have been moved back from the private hospital I was in to my local hospital that I usually go to. I was a bit apprehensive about coming back and I have been even lower…I didn’t think that that was possible. I have also been really anxious. They have kept me on high obs and I will be until Thursday morning. But, if I am honest, it does help as it means I am unable to do anything to myself, while I think about it all the time I am not having to fight the urges as I am not on my own at all and have no access to anything that I could do anything with.

 I was transferred back in a secure car. It was horrible. I felt like a criminal. I am still under section but the aim is to come off it within the week. I saw the doctor this morning and he was worried that hospital would make things worse for me.
I told him that at the moment I can’t see any consequences to my actions in a rational way. I told him all about how I feel and the stuff that is going round and round in my head. He said he needed to work out a plan with me in regards to a discharge date so that I knew what was happening and it wouldn’t just be sprung on me one day. So the agreement is is discharge in 2 weeks, be on high obs for 2 more nights, and looking at coming off the section towards the end of this week.

I kind of knew that as soon as I came back to my home time that I wouldn’t be here that long. I suppose in a way it is better for me being here as I will be out a lot quicker. Where as if I had stayed at that private place she wanted to keep me a few weeks and there was always the possibility of PICU again. Who knows how long I would be in then.

I suppose I have some rational thought back now. In not being able to act on my urges and need to end my life in the last 4-5days because of being on high obs, it has meant that I have been able to cope better.

I think R may be on to something about me. He messaged me the other day and asked if he could pop round with the ticket I have for London this weekend. I told him I was away and didn’t know when I would be back. He questioned me about college and asked if I didn’t need to be there for that. He seemed pretty unconvinced in the message. It was like he didn’t believe me.

Today I messaged him to see if he had had any luck in getting rid of the ticket. He said he hadn’t asked his mate yet but it didn’t look likely. He said he could always try and get a tout to buy it. I asked how he had been and he said he was ok, but then he had been really busy. He asked how I was and I avoided the question and said he could always try Stubhub for the ticket but I wouldn’t be able to do it as my signal was crap on my phone. So he asked “Where are you”? I think he knows something is up. I just said my WiFi wasn’t working and I was waiting for someone to come out to it and that my signal wasn’t good at home. He just said “I see”. Which is his way of saying that’s a load of crap. So now I am really anxious about it. If he asked me out right I don’t think I could lie. Or if he said he wanted to come round I couldn’t avoid that.

But….there is part of me that hopes he thinks he has made a mistake and wants to see me. I make up these little scenarios in my head that he says he wants to see me as an excuse to try and make things right as he wouldn’t tell me in person. I have thought this through and if he did ask to see me again then I would say unless he has changed his mind on what he thinks about us, that I don’t think it is a good idea for me to see him as I love him and breaking up has been hard on me and I have been quite upset. Then if he said he had been thinking, then I would have to swear him to secrecy and let him know where I am.


But then, I haven’t really thought about the break up that much. My thoughts are all about me. If he did want to get back together how would I react? I think I would have to tell him how I feel about him being an emotional retard and how anxious it makes me feel and he would have to be open with his feelings and take initiative sometimes in being romantic/passionate. I really struggled with him not telling me things first and I thought I was taking control all the time. He was so laid back, I did take control. I made plans for us etc etc etc. He needs to be more proactive and be more of a man.

 I think a lot of what happened was because I was at his quite a bit and I got a bit comfortable and that combined with my mood change etc has not been the best company. I have become unmotivated and didn’t really want to do much.

I suppose in that scenario where we did get back together (which probably won’t ever happen), I would need some kind of unwritten agreement that we spend more quality/romantic time together (that I am not the one to instigate it and make all the plans), that he can show and tell me how he feels about me without me being the one to say “I love you first”. I will have to tell him just how anxious it makes me that I am the one who is the one who makes the first move.

But anyway…that probably won’t ever happen. So, I am going to have to get used to being without him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. Long term, I don’t think I could be with anyone who was so laid back and didn’t have the emotional side. I can’t expect him to change so I suppose, maybe it is for the best.

Maybe, after 7 months together, it is better to break now than in a year or so time. It would hurt a lot more the longer we spend together wouldn’t it. So, maybe, and I will try and convince myself that it is for the best. I love him still, and it would be easier if on paper we weren’t a near perfect match and that if he was a dick. But, he’s not a dick and we are technically suited to each other.
Feel a bit better now I have that off my chest. I have been in a bit of an anxious state since we were messaging each other. I went and put my phone on charge in a locked room so I couldn’t keep looking at it.
I don’t want him knowing I am in hospital. One because I am embarrassed about it. I don’t like people knowing, I don’t want his friends and family to know. I don’t want them to think I am so unstable that an end of a relationship makes me this ill (obviously it has contributed, but it isn’t about him, it’s other things that have been going on for a long time since I stopped taking my meds), I also don’t want him thinking that it is his fault. That he has caused this. Because he hasn’t. It’s me.

 If I ended a relationship with someone and only days later they were in a psych hospital I would feel awful and blame myself. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t have any ill feelings towards him at all. Yes I am upset that I am hurt. But, if he wasn’t feeling it anymore then he wasn’t feeling it. It’s upsetting and I do blame myself. I mainly blame coming off meds and being too bossy. I should have let him take more control over what we did. I will just have to make sure I learn from my mistakes.

More Updates

I am struggling a bit, sitting here being stared at by a woman who is my shadow until the doctor says otherwise.

I think I last blogged in December time. That's quite a lot of time really. I noticed logging on that there aren't many people whom I was chatty with before still blogging. I guess other people moved on too.

There was one girl...I don't know her name she referred to herself as A. She lived in Israel I think, but was born in the UK I think. I can't seem to find her blog. Does anyone know who I am on about, I would like to know how she is doing.

Anyhoo, I have just finished my first year at college on my Photography course. And.... I got the double grade distinction*. I am quite proud of myself. I actually did ok at something. Well, better than ok....I came top of the class. I have never done that before, I got distinctions in every module...even the shit ones. I think a lot of it though is being able to waffle about shit, and rip my own work to pieces and in evaluating it I get the good marks. Being concise was never a strong point of mine. Although, I am not sure the tutors like it that much when I hand in a book twice the size of everyone Else's as it takes them so long to mark.

Obviously, going back is being questioned now. I haven't told college or anyone at college any of my problems. I am due back a week on Thursday. And being as though I am sitting here 170miles away with a shadow, I am not hopeful that I will be well enough to go back next week. If it were a normal module we were doing straight away I could work from home/hospital and do all the research etc and even take shots. But the first module is dark room work. Obviously I don't have one of those. I am wondering if I can miss the first term back and I'll get a grade based on what I am expected to get. If it gets to next week and I am still in...I am going to have to contact my course leader and ask/explain. I really don't want to do that. Not again. Flashbacks to 2011 there and wanting to finish my MA Social Work. So, that is worrying me a little.

Things with my parents are still the same. They both drink, then my mother gets violent and argumentative. My eldest brother has moved in for the last few months while he saves for a deposit on a new house. So he has witnessed it to, and it's getting him down. It's all pretty fucked up really.

I hadn't cut since about a year ago until today. I hadn't swallowed anything in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't tied up in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't OD'd in about a year until Thursday. However, I have been making myself sick...a lot. If I am alone it would be pretty much every day. I only didn't do it when I had R staying or I was at his. But as soon as I was alone...it would be pretty much every meal. Or having binges and getting rid of it. I don't really know what it is. I am not sure if it's self harm, or something else. I like to feel I have some control over something. So, it was what I was doing. At the moment I am restricting. I haven't eaten anything since Monday morning, it's now Saturday evening. I enjoy having the control over it. It is the only thing I feel I have some control over. When I ran away up north I only had a small breakfast each morning just so I could climb the hills in the day. It's been about 2 weeks since I had a normal meal and not thrown up after or skipped. I don't get that either. I am happy that I am losing weight. I like to feel thinner, but it's the control thing. No one has addressed it with me so I am not saying anything.

I put quite a bit of weight on since January when I met R. I kind of settled in to going round to his instead of the gym and cosying up on the sofa with a bottle of wine (my weight gain is another reason why I think he ended it, that he didn't find me attractive anymore etc etc). I put on about a 21lb since I met him. That's from drinking wine 3-4 nights a week. I can't do that. He wasn't the healthiest eater either...yet he was skinny. I also gave up smoking for a while. I used champix, and it really worked. The only side effect I had was a feeling sick for some time after the dose. But, if I made sure I ate a good breakfast I didn't really get that. I managed to stop for around 6 weeks. But...I started again because R smoked and it was too easy to nip out for at first a quick drag of his, then nicking one his then buying my own rolling stuff,

If, I get my head sorted, it will be something I go back to. I will use the Champix again... it is a wonder drug. I didn't think it would be given to me as of the pysch history.But, I think because I am more aware of my moods they were happy for me to give it ago. I hate being reliant on smoking. It stinks and with smoking rollies my fingers have yellowed. It's disgusting. I really do want to be a non smoker.

I am trying to think of what else I have to say that has happened in the last few months that I haven't covered. I am trying to waste time waffling on so I don't have to think my own thoughts too much.

I have time on my hands over the next few days so I will probably be posting random crap.

So Here I Am Again

I took a break from blogging for a while as I wanted to try and leave that part of my life behind me...but...quite typically it caught up with me.

I met someone in January and fell completely madly deeply in love with him. He said he felt the same way. I felt good for the first time in so long. I felt as though I was a normal person functioning in society. I felt so normal that, I thought I could stop taking my meds. He knew I was on meds, and what they were for, that I had been in hospital etc etc. But, I hated taking my meds in front of him or carrying them around. He had seen them and laughed at me for being a walking pharmacy... an upper, a downer, a stop you pooh, make you pooh, stop the pain etc etc. He would joke, but it made me fel uncomfortable. This was a guy who wouldn't take a pain killer if his leg was hanging off. I wanted to be more normal. All through this illness since 2006, I have been told that medication doesn't do anything. Dr T was dead against it and didn't like prescribing it. So, I thought it would be a good idea to stop. I stopped everything except 25mg of Quetiapine at night so that I wouldn't be awake all night. I thought I was doing ok. I didn't tell anyone at all I had stopped. And, so I thought I was ok. But I wasn't. I was different...not sad down, but loss of motivation, stopped going to the gym, needed a lot of sleep and felt as though I was weighed down with something. Come July, I was a bit of a mess really. I was so anxious and constantly asking my friends for approval and advice about what to do with R. Were things in my head etc etc etc.

I didn't bring it up with him as I didn't want to be that neurotic needy girlfriend. But, I think I was different.

Last week I thought he was being quite odd. He was not one to talk about his feelings and he would brush it off if he was quiet or something. But not this time when I brought it up. The result was basically him saying he wasn't sure what he wanted, and he thought a break would be a good idea. Me being me, ran off to the Lake District for some fresh air, hiking, scenery, photography and wide open spaces. I missed him like crazy. I spilled my heart to him in an email telling him how I felt and I got an email back saying he had thought about it and he thought we should end it. I told him fair enough, but he has at least got to see me in person so we can talk about it face to face as after that long together I deserved more than an email. So we did. And it ended. That's that.

Yes, I am upset. It was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. I was managing to hold it together just enough the last couple of months as I really didn't want him to see that part of me.

It's weird...I love him so much, but what I am more upset is not losing him...it's what it all means to me. That I am 31, living in a rented small flat. My friends all have their own places or kids and are settled. I thought I was getting that in this relationship but, it appeared not. He said he had lost the spark and wasn't sure if he loved me now, and wasn't sure it was love at the start. So me being me...internalises it all. Me being me sees failure, standards, etc etc etc. It's more about that than losing him.

I do get upset about what could have been...the loss of the future. But, what has driven this breakdown more so is that I have yet again failed. That yet again this illness has ruined something for me. That I am faulty etc etc etc. So with the low mood over the last few weeks, the anxiety...WHAM suicidal thoughts and planning comes in again.

I feel so pathetic, that the break down of my relationship is what has landed me on a section. I feel like a silly teenager. I know deep down that it is more than the break up. It is more internalised about that. I am not crying "oh nooooo, he dumped me I best hurt myself to show the world how sad I am by this". It's the whole failure thing. It's the whole taking stock of my life and seeing where I am and not liking it. It is looking to the future and seeing the work I put in to being "normal", to having that conversation with him about the scars and where they came from, the being honest with another person, having to do all that over again. It is the worry that exactly the same thing will happen. The worry that I am 31, am still at college, living in a rented flat, still being slightly reliant on Mummy and Dadddy etc etc etc.

There is the hurt of losing him, but, maybe wrongly, I am telling myself that if the above is what is bothering me more, perhaps we weren't that suited. I don't know. I do love him, care about him. He is the second person I ever loved. I really don't know what's going on in my head,

While I was away last weekend, I had time to think, perhaps it wasn't the best thing to do (running away), and it was there I decided that I no longer wanted to live. Not if I had all of that ahead of me. That I was destined for a life of misery because of my stupid illness. Because of how it rules my life. The same things as usual really.

So, I reached out. I contacted crisis team. I told them how I was feeling...their response was distract yourself. So I told them to fuck off and I would manage on my own. A few hours later I have my GP, a AMHP and  a Sec 12 doc at my door. I told them the same thing. I can manage on my own. I didn't need their input and I would not be working with crisis as I felt it was a waste of time, Where did that land me...170miles south of my home city in a private hospital (there were no beds any closer), and now... on high obs.

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with G, he said something a long the lines of as long as I will make sure you don't end up in hospital again as it is not beneficial to you. With this in my head I basically told the people in the MHA assessment to fuck off too. G was on leave last week so had no input. So, a section 2 for me.

They didn't have a bed straight away and I was on my own over night. The AMHP left at about 10pm, and he was back the next morning at 8.30am. I had had a phone call at around 5am from crisis telling me they had found a bed but transport wouldn't be available until later in the day. 5am! 5AM!!!! WTF. I was actually already awake, but, I don't see why they needed to call me then. The AMHP knocks on my door and tells me they've got a bed they are just working on getting an ambulance. Seriously an ambulance, to come get me.

Even though I knew I was going in to hospital, I prepared a stash of meds and things to harm my self with. Half way down here I took all the meds I had. Because I didn't have a bag with me the ambulance people didn't realise I had taken an OD and anti psychotics, sleeping pills and tricylic antidepressants. They thought I was just drowsy cos I hadn't slept the night before. I can't remember getting here at all. I think the staff just put me in bed as soon as I got here. The next morning I think they cottoned on that something wasn't right. I don't remember at all really, just blurry visions of not being able to walk and bumping in to things. It was when I saw the doc she said my speech was really slurred and something wasn't right, She asked me if I had taken anything, at first denied it but then admitted. I refused to go to hospital at first, but, being as though I am under a section I had no choice they said either I go in a taxi or the police and ambulance will come. Hospital just did bloods and said I was ok...I think. Well, I didn't need treatment and they let me go. By the time I got back my room had been stripped, they had found all my ligs and extra pills.

So now, I am on to my third night here and am now on 1.1 obs as of how I have been. Honestly I feel shit. I am finding it hard to rationalise anything. I feel like I did way back in 2011 when the hospital stuff all kicked off. I can't listen to anyone. And, I don't know how long I will be here for.

I am supposed to be seeing G on Monday...that's not going to happen unless they transfer me tomorrow back home. But, I have the staff here talking to me about therapy groups and being assessed for therapy etc etc. I don't want to do that. I know where I am with G. I know him and I can be open with him. I don't want to start all over again. I don't want to have to talk to people about my childhood etc etc etc etc. I don't want to go over everything and make it fresh. But, I am worried, they will want me to "engage" and if I don't it lessen my chances of getting anywhere.

The unit is a lot nicer than NHS...obviously, it's private and I think costs around £1000 a week. My parents looked in to sending me private back in 2011. And, knowing how much it is costing the NHS...how much I am costing the NHS makes me want to die even more because I am a waste of money. I have been in and out of hospital for 4 years now. 4 fucking years. OK, granted it's been a year since I was last in...but being quite a prominent patient in services. It's such a waste.

I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone here. I don't know anyone. They don't know me. They don't know my history. I don't want to go over everything again and again. In my home town, I have people that I know. I have G for therapy and if I am on the ward I know at least one member of staff per shift. It makes things so much easier...they can also tell when I am heading down a slippery slope of SH etc etc.

I am not sure if I need to be in hospital or if it's working. Would I be at the bottom of the river by now being left on my own. Would I have seriously OD be in ICU again. Am I saying I could cope so I could be left to my own devices? I don't know. I don't know what is best for me at the moment.

It's tough. I don't really know what to do.

Quick round up.

January...met a guy.
February...fell in love
March...went to India
April told him I loved him and he loved me.
April...stopped taking meds
May...start to feel down
June...get anxiety attacks
July...anxiety high. Feel very low. Thoughts of self harm etc etc
August...he ends relationship. Not sure if it was love after all.
September... Placed on section 2 and waiting for a bed.

Here's a lesson for you...don't stop taking your meds and don't tell anyone. It could land you on a section 2!