Quick Update

Still in hospital under a section 3.

I am doubtful that I will be discharged Monday as was the plan. I did a runner and took an OD. Ended up coming round in resus with a nurse from the ward with me. I can't remember much. But, my plan was to take the meds and get to the river. The meds kicked in before I made it to the river. I passed out in the street somewhere near the river...so close but so far. I had been pouching some of my meds and I used those to take an OD. I didn't think that they would do much on their own other than make me sleepy. I didn't expect it to give me heart and bp problems. My keyworker asked me where I got the meds from and I was honest with her. She has it in her head that I don't think I deserve the meds. She is blaming me not taking those meds properly in 3 weeks on how I am feeling now. I don't know why she thinks I think I don't deserve them. I don't think that way. I was pouching them as I was planning on doing what I did. I knew the effect (well thought I knew) of what they did.I didn't expect them to work so quickly and make me pass out. Maybe having them with alcohol increased the effect of them.

My keyworker is nice. I have a band 6 nurse as mine, which is useful as she has a lot of say in how things go on the ward. So, if I raise something with her she can react to it and get it done because she is all their boss. She's nice, but, she has those "oh poor you" eyes and talks like ahhhh awwww awwww poor you....but without actually saying that. Maybe she does feel for me, but it seems a bit much at times. Sometimes G's approach of "what the fuck K, what are you messing around at...that's bull shit etc etc etc" helps. He is a real person and pretty much says what he thinks.

I still have plans and I have ordered some meds online. I have the plan of the river still and want to go ahead with that plan. It's getting colder now so I would think that the plan of the river would happen quite quickly.

I don't really want to go back to college. It hasn't helped that the person who is closest to my age has been very unsupportive. Has been rude and very unkind. I can't face another 7 months of that. I can't handle the work. And...if I am planning on ending my life it's no use to me anyway.I think the meds will come the middle of next week. I plan on trying to get to the river again tomorrow or Sunday. I just need to make sure the member of staff who is with me can't run. And, I wouldn't want to run from someone I like. I would feel bad about that. The weekend is usually bank staff who don't have a clue about anything.

I am not even sure how long I have been here now. It is either 6,7 or 8 weeks. I really don't know. It's weird though, in the past, I have known it is time to go when I get bored. I have not been bored. I am worried that is a sign that I should be here. I don't want to be. I want to be free to carry out my plan and not have interference.