Thoughts

I've been having a lot of thoughts going around in my head. Bad thoughts. Thoughts of suicide. Not exactly putting a plan together but, the thought of what I would do are there again. I have the methods at home already. They are kept out of sight so I am not tempted. I am also not drinking at all. Haven't since New Year. I feel if I do I will give in on the urges. The urge to cut is massive. I see my scars and run fingers over them and I get a rush of anxiety, I get a feeling of excitement thinking of the feelings I get when I make the cut. Writing about it gives me that feeling of wanting to do it. I want to cut.

I have a lot of crap going around in my head at the moment. I have a lot of anxiety swimming around. I have this horrible feeling that something is going to happen. A feeling of an impending sense of doom. I try to not think about what is going on in my life. The more I think about it the more I want to do something. I get worked up and I get upset.

I am trying to throw myself in to the gym. It helps that I have a crush there. The guy who does the spin classes, not the fucked up guy from before, but the guy who actually takes them. He is lush. And it would appear he is now my personal trainer kind of. I feel a bit stalkerish though. I see him at one leisure centre on a Tuesday and Thursday when I do spin classes and then at another centre which is my local one when I go to the gym. I am a bit worried he is going to think I am stalking him. I booked in to have a programme done on Friday. I didn't know it was going to be him doing it, but it was. It was very hands on and I went very red. I was telling him about my plans to get in to photography professionally and he has asked me if I would do some portrait shots for him for his website. He is going at it as a personal trainer and so I may be able to get some of him with his kit off.

So that's my motivation to go to the gym at the moment. So that's good. I need to keep going as when I lose weight I feel a bit better about myself. It's nice standing on the scales on a Tuesday morning and seeing I have lost weight. Although that feeling is great, and I have lost about 3 stone now. I still feel horrible. I feel huge still. I don't feel any different. I still feel massive. I feel a fat unattractive lump. I have about 2 stone to lose to get me to a weight that would put my BMI within a normal range. My plan is to get there and see how I feel. But, I think I want to be thinner than that. I have been looking at thinspo sites and seeing what tips I can get. I need to be careful though as I want to exercise, I want to be fit, so I need to make sure I eat so that I don't end up passing out at the gym. That would be mortifying. I know a lot of my eating is emotional. I eat crap when I feel crap. I eat when I am anxious, I eat to block out other feelings. I eat to feel full. It is like a self harm thing in a way. So, this last week or so has been quite hard because I have wanted to comfort eat.

I really want to cut. I tell myself, that I can do it later. That, it won't spiral, that if I go over an old scar, it will be healed in time for my trip. That it won't impact my gym work outs etc. That it will be ok. My life at the moment it the gym. That is what is stopping me. Because of the just in case. The in case it hurts to walk; it has done in the past. The in case I can't go and do spin. The in case I can't go and I will put on weight. That is what is stopping me. Not that it would be step back. Not that I see it as failing at recovery. It is all about losing weight and being able to go to the gym, also, that in case it hasn't healed properly by the time I go away with the girls. In the past my wounds have taken months to heal. But then I tell my self that if I keep it covered and moisturised, it will heal fine. It will be ok in time.

I am also having thoughts of an OD. A small one. Just enough to make me sick. To make me feel as though I have done something. A self harm OD. Something I don't have to tell anyone about. But when I say sick, I don't mean sick sick, as in throwing up. I have a bit of a fear about throwing up. I mean, to put me in a trance. I don't really want to do it though. Because if I take what I have, it leaves me with less should I decide to do it properly. It eats in to my supply. That's pretty fucked up thinking isn't it?

I don't feel as though I can talk to any one I know about this. I have only told 2 of my friends that I was in hospital again a few weeks back. I am wondering if I need to go again? I am not seeing G tomorrow as he is off. I will probably call the duty worker later and speak to them. I wish I did have a CPN/CCO again. I need that stable person. I know I wouldn't be able to speak to them today as they would be off, but it's nice to know that if I call it gets fed back to a person in charge of my care. I can't stand the psychiatrist. He is a arrogant twat. But, I am not going to get started on that as it will wind me up even more.

For now though, I am going to employ some distraction techniques. I am going to get tidied up, I am going to clean, then I am going to go to the gym. I need to be able to tell the person I speak to, if I call that I have tried things. That I have tried to get out and carry on doing what I do. I am not sure how much it will help, but, it has to be better than sitting in my PJ's wanting to eat crap and feeling worse and worse. So, I am going to try!