Control

I've found a way of me taking back some control. It is self harm and it is quite bad, but it's not noticeable. No one will know. There are no cuts to cover, no pain, no marks. It works for me.

The way is making myself sick after I have eaten. I know it's not the healthiest thing to be doing, and in terms of getting rid of calories it is not that efficient. It won't get rid of many of them. But I have been binging and then making myself sick. I figure, if I do it within about 20 minutes, then most of the calories will come back up. I have found ways of doing it so it is not that unpleasant. That is easy.

I know I need to be careful I don't get addicted to doing it or rely on it. I can imagine that that is quite easy to do. But I won't. I won't do it after every meal. Just some when I have the opportunity to. Just the evening meal. Not always, just some of the time. If it's been a bad meal, if I have had too much. Yesterday I went too far, every meal and 2 binges. But today I don't plan on doing it.

It is my way of regaining some control of what is all going off for me at the moment. I can't cut but I can do this. I have some control back. It is making me feel a bit more stable. I suppose that is good isn't it?

It seems as though I don't have any control about what is going on in my life at the moment. Everything feels out of my hands. By doing this I have something I know I can control. It's like the cutting when I feel as though I need to control. It's like the restricting. It is just a form of control. That is all. I don't expect to lose any weight by doing it. But I feel cleansed after I have done it. I feel better. That can't be bad can it?