Worried I am Sinking.

I'm a bit worried about my mood. It's dipping quite a bit and that motivation to do anything has gone. I am also having quite a few self harm urges, there has also been the suicidal thoughts.

Maybe it's the turn in the weather. I noticed I did start to feel quite a bit better once the weather was getting warmer and it was sunny. It's now getting cold and miserable. I hope it's not that as it could mean I am in for a tough 6 months.

I have been going on a few dates from the dating site. I have been on a second date with one of them, having a third this week. Although, I can't say I am overly keen on him. I don't get butterflies when I am with him. I don't have that buzz. He's a nice enough guy, I don't mind spending time with him. But I am not feeling that spark. I am trying to take what my friends say on board. In that I am not 17 any more and you don't get that initial buzz like you do with your first love. That relationships develop. So, being as though he is not awful, I am going to stick with it.

But, saying that I did meet someone last week who I did really like and I felt a buzz about him. So, I don't know if that theory my friends have is right. I am seeing him again this week.

I am also aware of what it says in my schema therapy book. It says to avoid relationships where there is that buzz of chemistry as it could be a wrong relationship and be too intense and be the wrong person for me. But, it's only been one date. I may be really annoyed by him next time I see him. So, I think I just need to keep my options open.

I am not desperate to find someone. But, it has been over 2 years since I had any kind of relationship with anyone. I want to meet new people, I want to have someone to go to gigs and comedy with. Spend time with. To cuddle on the sofa while watching a film. I suppose, I am quite lonely. My friends are all loved up or have kids. So, it doesn't leave much really. I am also looking in to joining more social groups as well as I want to meet more girl friends and just also broaden my group of friends. It's even more important to me now I am not going back to Uni this year. I don't want to be going clubbing etc anymore. I don't want to be going out and getting pissed at the weekend. So, it doesn't really leave me with a lot as my friends who are single, want to do that.

I have a psychology session tomorrow. Not sure what I want to talk about in it. I want him to take the lead with it. We are meant to be doing this schema therapy but I don't think we have done anything schema related in about 3 months. It's all been about uni and then I have been away, or he has been away. I can see how this schema therapy would work for me, so I want to get on with it. I need to make changes. I think I am doing better than I have been in a long time. I think I am coming to the realisation that I will never get rid of these mood dips, the lows etc etc etc. It's always going to be part of my life. But, what will change is how I deal with them. How I approach them. Since I started getting unwell when I was in my early 20's, I always saw recovery as not getting the low periods. Being stable. But now I realise, I am not going to get that. I am probably always going to get the low periods, the higher periods, the self harm urges, the suicidal thoughts. In a way, that in itself is quite disheartening. I wanted to not have the extremes. But, I suppose part of recovery is coming to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen.

That's not to say it doesn't suck though.

Just wanted to have a bit of a brain splurge tonight and get down my thoughts that were going round. This doesn't really flow properly or anything but I needed to get it out.