Paper Clips.

I don't think he believed me when I said I hadn't swallowed anything. He asked if I had and I denied it. I always will. I may as well tell him I will always say I haven't even if I have. I will never admit to it because of what they will do. They will make me go to hospital where I will have to wait hours and then be told all is fine, come back if you have any pain. And they will probably have to inform my parents. I'm not going down that route. So if anyone asks, it's always going to be a no.

So, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I'm all over the place and feeling shit. I said how I was feeling quite ambivalent towards life on the whole at the moment.

He said he had seen this coming from about a month ago. He said when I told him that I didn't see a problem with swallowing things that he thought that things could be going badly again. So I suppose he saw it before I did.

I told him I had self harmed, but by blood letting. He was asking me all these questions and I was trying to think what was going through my head when I did. It is hard for me to talk about the self harm as it triggers me in to wanting to do it more.

I was having urges throughout the whole session today. They were really hard to control. I came home and the first thing I did was to SH by swallowing something. It was because all the way through the session I could only really focus on the 2 paperclips on the table right in front of me. I kept getting lost in them. They were drawing me in and all I could think about was swallowing something. I should have moved them. But I didn't want to admit to how triggered I was just by 2 bloody paperclips. It's not like I don't come across things like that all the time. But at the same time they are not staring me in the face. The nails I have are kept in a cupboard, not something I see all the time. Razors are hidden in the bathroom. And everything else that I would usually swallow is not out in plain view, not enticing me. But I was having an urge and them being there was just making it stronger and stronger.

We talked a bit about rational thought. I said when I was getting urges it seemed as though at the moment all my rational thinking was going out the window. I don't see a problem with the self harm. I don't see a problem with swallowing as it's so unlikely something would happen. I have swallowed something so many times now. Possibly even more than I have cut. Something has only happened the one time. When I cut, nearly every time I have had to go and spend a few hours at the hospital and get stitches. I am asked a shit load of questions, stupid questions and I get even more frustrated. Sometimes, you are treated well, most the time you are made to feel like an attention seeking time waster. Sometimes though I just need to cut as it releases a different feeling than swallowing something. I see cutting as more serious. It leaves a scar. It requires treatment. At the moment, I am actually quite enjoying going to the gym, and I have even started swimming. A massive thing for me getting in a swimming costume where other people can see the scars. There is also the guy I have been seeing. Only been on 3 dates so far, but we have said we will see each other again. Can't say I am mad keen on him, but he's ok, I like spending time with him. Maybe the feelings will develop. So, that is why I haven't cut. I am not enjoying much at the moment, but I am enjoying the feeling of when I have been in the gym, have done a class or having been swimming.

 As a kid I loved swimming. I was good at it and went at least once a week. I used to swim in competitions etc. I only stopped when my instructor moved to a different pool and I moved with him. It was hard fitting in with the girls already there and they didn't take too keenly to a new girl coming in and being quite good. They made it miserable for me so I stopped going. I used to go swimming quite regularly until I was about 18. Then I put on loads of weight and hated being in a swimming costume. I used to be able to swim 50metres in 45 seconds easily. It now takes me double that.

I was hoping that no one would say anything to me about the scars on my legs. They are pretty obvious and still very red. It took so much for me to get back in to swimming again. I was so nervous. The amount of times I have taken my costume to the gym with me but chickened out is uncountable. But last week I dipped my toe in and went to a ladies only session. I loved it. I loved being in the water again. But, yesterday, I was actually asked what had happened. She wasn't British and I think that that may have been why. It's a pretty British thing to avoid asking personal questions isn't it? Maybe it's just me. But if I saw someone with scars or marks, I wouldn't ask them how it happened. I would feel as though I was intruding. Is it just me who is like this? Perhaps it's because I have scars and am very self conscious of them and don't like it if anyone mentions it. But, anyway. I am waffling.

So yeah, that's why I have been swallowing as my method of self harm at the moment. I don't see it as a bad thing. I think that the chances of anything happening are so minute I will take the chance. Also, I am quite ambivalent towards the thought of anything happening.

The psychologist said that uni was obviously right that I am not better, I am not ready etc etc etc. I just sat there without saying anything. He said he expected me to argue back with him and was possibly doing it to get a rise from me. But I didn't. Because, I knew I wasn't ready. And so did they. He started asking me what the point was if within a month I could possibly be dead from having taken a massive OD. I think expecting me to say that that wouldn't happen. But I just don't know. I did say though that while there was this ambivalence, there was something there that made me doubt it. And that that was what was stopping me. I don't think this was a good enough reply as he said something along the lines of it not being a no, it won't happen.

He said that his thinking behind all of this was me coming to the realisation that recovery isn't a black and white I will be cured. I could only agree as that is exactly what I have written about in the last couple of weeks. It's not just that though. But I think that could be the main reason. I should have been starting back at uni yesterday. I have new neighbours upstairs who are students and they are noisy. Loud music, up and downstairs all night long. It keeps me awake and keeps me in a heightened state of anxiety. I said I hadn't been sleeping properly and so we talked about that and he said I should give it until after the weekend and contact my GP if I am not back in to a routine and get some sleeping pills to trigger it all off back to being normal. I was sleeping so much better. Better than I had ever done. But since new people moved in I have been struggling to get a decent night. I think a lot of it is anxiety and worrying that they will be noisy and then wake me up. Perhaps, maybe, he is right about getting some pills. I know that sleep deprivation for me can be a massive trigger. I can't cope with things when I am not getting enough sleep. Not getting enough sleep can also be a sign that something is not right though and that things are bad. And I suppose they are not the best at the moment.

I really am just waffling now. So going to leave it at that.