The Telephone Call Came

So Beth the CPN called me today. I thought I had got away with it. She started by saying that the cutting and blood letting weren't serious but the swallowing stuff was. Because of that she was going to have to break confidentiality and inform my parents as I was living in their care and it wouldn't be right if any thing happened and they had known and nothing had been done about it. She said she was worried that if it killed me and my parents had found out that services had known that my parents would say they should have been informed. Queue big panic and begging. She said she had not made the decision on her own but had spoken to senior social workers, senior doctors and other staff about it and was a team decision they felt was in my best interests.

As a last ditch attempt I said I would go to hospital to get checked out if it meant she wouldn't inform anyone and she said that this would be ok. So tonight, I have spent 5 hours at the ED waiting to see a doctor to be told in a very nice way (and no for once I am not being sarcastic, he was nice and listened to me) that because it was 3 weeks ago there was no point in x-raying me as by now it would have passed through me and if it hadn't it would have caused damage by now so they wouldn't waste their time and my time by making me go for x-ray for it to show nothing. He asked me a lot of questions about my health over the past few weeks and he was happy and apologetic for having me wait 5 hours to see him to be told in 5 minutes that basically I was right and hadn't really needed to go in.

I'm still not happy though. I don't think this will be good enough for her. I think she wants an x-ray with proof. I spoke to the doctor at the ED a bit about why I had come down so long after and her saying she was going to break confidentiality. He seemed quite angry on my behalf saying she couldn't do that even though I lived at home and they were my next of kin/nearest relative/carers. I need more clarification on this. I doubt it, but do any mental health prof bods read this or anyone who knows quite a bit of info on this area and can give me guidance? I am going to have to tell her what the doc said. The thing is because of patient confidentiality the ED won't give my medical details to anyone else. So even if she called up they wouldn't be able to tell her anything so she will just have to take my word on it. I wonder if they could at least confirm if I attended the ED? So even though I attended the ED and did what I said I would, I can't see her keeping to her side. I suspect even though I did this she will still tell my parents.

I really don't have a good relationship with her as a CPN. And now even how can I feel I can be open and honest about what has been going on and how I feel with the psychologist when he will report back to her or put it in my notes which she has access to.

I feel let down. I probably shouldn't but I can't help feeling that way. I don't feel let down by the psychologist, I don't think I do anyway. But yet again, the by the CPN. I've spent a very anxious 5 hours of today in the ED. I hate the place. It was busy, noisy and not what I needed on top of what happened last night!

Last night was awful. My mum got wasted. I was in bed and she stormed into my room. I told her to get out as I wasn't going to talk to her while she was pissed so she left but didn't close the door. I closed it which she didn't like so came storming back in shouting loads of abuse at me. I screamed for her to get out my face, that she should go to bed as she was making a fool of her self and she was looking after the kids in the morning. This didn't go down well so she starts screaming at me more and looks as though she is going to hit me. So I grab her by the arm and guide her out and stand holding my door closed while she is trying to break it down shouting loads of abuse at me saying things like you're mental, you have no responsibility etc etc. This wakes my Dad up who shouts at her as what she is saying to me is uncalled for and she starts laying in to him saying everyone fucks around. He fucked someone else (it wasn't really an affair as my Mum had actually left him at the time and it was while she was moved out of the house, not sure if I have talked about it before) and I fuck everyone. Not really sure what she meant by this. I could hear her shouting at him about me saying how she'd come to see me while I was in hospital and basically horrible derogatory things about me. I got an apology this morning, which is more than usual when she gets like that but if I am honest it was a shit apology. The thing is with me I can't stay angry at people. So within 30minutes of her being up things were back to normal.

I was beside myself but I wasn't going to let her see. My Dad came to see if I was ok and I didn't even let him know I was upset. I think they both have alcohol problems. My Mum probably more than my Dad. He jokes and says he only drinks to stop my Mum drinking it all. And, if I am honest I can see some truth in this. As I have done it myself when she has come back with 2 bottles of wine. Also, although he is an annoying drunk, he tends to just fall asleep after a while. My Mum on the other hand is another kettle of fish. When we came back from Europe we came back with over 30 bottles of wine. Within 8 days that was down to 8 left. Two weeks later there is none left.

I have said to the psychologist and other staff in the past that I knew the day would come where it would be thrown in my face and I would be made to feel like shit. That I would be made to feel as though I was the biggest disappointment and had let everyone down by daring to have mental health problems. I don't think they got what I was on about but I think last night illustrates it perfectly.

This is another reason I don't want the CPN telling my parents anything as it just adds more fuel to the fire. Do I make sense? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I being over sensitive to things?

And then tonight. They even after last night. They both go out drinking to the pub. I made sure I got into bed well before they got back so I wouldn't have to face them. Luckily though it sounds as though they have gone to bed with no dramas. But honestly though, if I was my Dad I would have suggested a night in tonight. I feel sorry for him how she laid in to him, and he said it happens quite a lot. But why encourage drinking?

That's all from me anyway.

Night

xxxx