Follow Up From The Phone Call

So the CPN called me back today and had quite a long conversation with her. The most important thing that came out of it was that she said she wasn't going to inform my parents. Well, the psychologist wouldn't inform my parents because being as though it was him I disclosed it to it would have been him that would have had to have done it.

I basically told her that I had been to the ED, waited ages to see a doc to just be told that it was so long ago that it would have passed by now and if it was going to have done anything it would have done by now. And that was it. No follow up. No questions asked. I could have probably got away with not going and said I had.

We had a bit of a chat about the breaking confidentiality thing and I said I was pissed off as if I lived on my own it wouldn't even be an issue and they wouldn't even consider telling anyone else if I had done something. I said to her that if anything happens again in the future it now means I wont be talking to anyone about it and she said that was my choice and they are aware that it would affect the therapeutic relationship I have with everyone.

I didn't go into detail about what happened Wednesday night but skirted over the subject and mentioned that that was another reason I couldn't have them breaking confidentiality and she said I should move out if I felt like that and they could help me with tenancy support etc. She said there were other options like talking to my Mum about how her behaviour affects me and I said that I honestly thought that this would make it worse and would be a waste of time. Also, I have to think about going to uni again. If I am going back next year I need to be living at home as I won't get any support with rent once I am a student again. So if I move out, I can't be at uni. There is also the issue that there is some safety net with living at home. On some level it's keeping me safe. Well, safer than I would be living on my own where I am not being watched. I know if I lived on my own I would get into a spiral where I sleep 16 hours a day, self harm most nights and go back to attempting every weekend again like it was in 2007-2008. The CPN said I'm hardly keeping myself safe at the moment anyway so I need to think about it. Part of me wants to move out just so I have the freedom to do what I want in terms of self harm. Hardly a healthy way of looking at it.

In the end we agreed I would discuss all my options with the psychologist when I see him on Thursday. Beth will have probably written notes about our conversation which he will have read and I will be able to go over everything with him when I see him. I sometimes feel that seeing him once a fortnight isn't enough. But being as though he is not supposed to be seeing me at all I don't feel that I can ask for more. He is the inpatient psychologist and I am a special case because no one I have worked with so far has been able to get anywhere with me and we have a good relationship. So I suppose I need to feel lucky that he is even seeing me at all. Especially when there are waiting lists as long as your arm to get in with a psychologist.

So I will be grateful and take all I can get from them as the one thing I am happy with is the psychologist.

xxx