Observations

I am really starting to be bothered by being on high observations. Some people are ok, but others have no respect for my dignity at all. This morning for instance she wouldn't let me close the bathroom door even slightly. So wide open while I have a wee and get dressed. I'm still to have a shower as I don't want to have one if someone is going to stand over me with the door wide open.

I understand I'm on high obs so they should be aware of what I'm doing but to do it so obviously is just demeaning. Most people let me close the door to when I'm using the bathroom. And as vile as it sounds I've trained my bowels to only go when I've got someone who lets me close it completely.

Saw the doctor earlier. He said I'll be reviewed on Friday so hopefully my obs will be reduced so that I don't need someone to follow me in to the bathroom. We also talked about other stuff such as self harm. I don't have any answers about that just that it's been about 3 weeks since I self harmed and had any urges to. So do I really need to be on a PICU? I don't feel that I do. I'm not planning anything like I was before and I do feel more optimistic and upbeat. I don't feel depressed like I was before and I feel more like me. Normal me who doesn't self harm or want to kill herself!

So even though I'm feeling a lot better I still feel really frustrated. You can probably tell from the vibe of the entry. Also, I was told I may not get transferred to the hospital I was at before which is not good. I don't want to go onto the acute wards here. I want to go back to the place I was before.  I now know the staff and feel more comfortable there. I am more likely able to talk to staff there than being put onto a whole new ward.

Also briefly saw psychologist today. He's coming back tomorrow. They want me to do DBT which, I've already said I don't want to do. There's a few reasons. They are, the amount of time it takes a week- 5hours. Which, ok, I'm in hospital at the moment but when I'm released it's too much. How long the course is- it's a year long: not in fitting with me going back to uni. It's group based. I've said before there is no way I can be open about my thoughts and feelings in a group if I can't even do it with one person. And, whenever I've done anything in the past it's made things worse for me.

I think these are pretty valid reasons for not wanting to do it. I'm going to explain tomorrow to the psychologist my thoughts on this and see what he says. I am not looking forward to it at all!

Anyway, coming up to dinner time now so I'll leave it there. Xxx