Everyone has prejudices. Some let there's affect what they do others don't.
The best of Social Workers even have prejudices. It's a human thing.
If you read my blog you will see that I have a prejudice against chavs. But, I don't let it affect my work when I work with them. I don't oppress them, I don't discriminate. I do my job and I do it well.
Someone commented on one of my posts quite angrily that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing as I don't like chavs. Well they are wrong. Because of the above reasons. My blog is a diary for me. A place to write about how I feel about things and what I think.
It's not all chavs I don't like. It is the ones who not can't but wont aspire to anything. The type of person who will claim benefits, and never aspire to come off them. I am not having a go at people who claim benefits here, nor am I saying that everyone who claims benefits is a chav.
Our society is fantastic for the welfare state. OK, so some people will get more money claiming benefits than they ever will if they work. Unfortunately, it therefore, doesn't make sense for them to pay for before school and after school clubs to be working in a job that does not bring in anywhere near the same amount of money.
One of my last clients was in this position. She was taking home about £1400 per month in various benefits and on top of that cash her housing was paid for as was her council tax. She was a girl who left school at 16 with no qualifications and due to her circumstance would not be able to afford to go to work. To break even she would be needing to have a job that paid about £30k a year. Not very likely really. But. She had aspirations. She wanted to improve her education, she wanted to follow courses in which she would enjoy to help her gain more skills so that she was employable. This woman could possibly be classed as chav. I didn't have a problem with her though.
What I do have a problem with is 16-19 year olds claiming benefits straight from school as they have no aspiration. They don't want to do any thing with their life other than drink stella on the weekends, have lots of sex, produce lots of kids who will follow in their footsteps. Those kind of chavs. I know, there could be a whole heap of reasons why these people are like this and perhaps I am a bit quick to judge. But, there are people who are out there who just want to take the system for everything they can because they feel that they are entitled to it. Why are they entitled to it? They may never have worked a day in their life. Fair enough if the person has mental health problems, or if they are ill educated. As has been said where I am now if a person has had no education and crap parenting then perhaps you can understand why they don't have aspirations. But some people have no excuse. These are the people I do have a problem with.
The person who remains anonymous, which would tell me that I have probably had either conversations with them or I know who they are and they don't want to tell me, said I am no better than them and I shouldn't be doing what I am doing.
As a person I do not let what I think of people affect the way in which I work with them. I want to work in mental health but that is by the by. But, I have come across people in my life who are the type of people that are bad for society and if their future generations turn out like them then I feel for those. I am bound to have prejudices and my own thoughts on things. Every one does.
I was quite lucky to have been brought up in a middle class family (albeit bordering alcoholics but again that's neither her nor there. Lol :-) - and please don't comment on my lack of respect for alcoholics, unless you want another whole blog on my thoughts and feelings around alcoholism. But seriously my brothers and parents drink far too much, so much it worries me). Being from a middle class family I probably have different expectations of people. But I am aware of this.
What would be the worrying thing here would be if I was not aware of my prejudices, if I discriminated by not giving these people the same chances. But none of this goes on. When it comes to work, I leave everything at the door. I don't let my personal opinions, feelings or non professional judgements come in to it.
It's a bit higgeldy piggely but that is my explanation. Yes. I am prejudice, but I am aware that I am. Everyone has expectations of others. In my life it's not normal to walk your kids to school first thing in the morning with a can of lager (maybe he had just come off a night shift or something - but when 75% of the people on the estate I work on are unemployed...well what are the chances of that). It's not normal to be lazy. I don't like to see blokes walking around with no shirts on either. Save it for the back garden, the beach or pool.
And really. The personal digs saying I'd be too hungover to take my kids to school...how old are you? You sound like a child!
And this says it all...
Ambition (this is a joke, I am probably laughing at my own joke but never mind)!
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Fat Club
So...
Starting Weight 17stone
Weight This Week 16st10
I have maintained my weight these last 2 weeks.
I wasn't able to go last week as of being late working and I was all over the shop. I didn't really make an effort to go on any other day as I didn't want to. I knew I had eaten out 5 times within the week. So, I didn't want to get weighed.
I was dreading this week. With it being my birthday over the weekend I had a blow out. Lots of alcohol, food I wanted and no being careful. So I was quite shocked when my weight was the same as it was 2 weeks ago. I was miffed two weeks ago as I had put on a pound.
I am having a new start now though and being really super duper careful this week. No alcohol for me! Alcohol has a lot of points but it also makes you want to eat crap the next day. So it's a double whammy. I am determined not to use any of my extra allowances at all and go for losing a couple of pounds.
Can I do it?
There's only one way to find out!
Starting Weight 17stone
Weight This Week 16st10
I have maintained my weight these last 2 weeks.
I wasn't able to go last week as of being late working and I was all over the shop. I didn't really make an effort to go on any other day as I didn't want to. I knew I had eaten out 5 times within the week. So, I didn't want to get weighed.
I was dreading this week. With it being my birthday over the weekend I had a blow out. Lots of alcohol, food I wanted and no being careful. So I was quite shocked when my weight was the same as it was 2 weeks ago. I was miffed two weeks ago as I had put on a pound.
I am having a new start now though and being really super duper careful this week. No alcohol for me! Alcohol has a lot of points but it also makes you want to eat crap the next day. So it's a double whammy. I am determined not to use any of my extra allowances at all and go for losing a couple of pounds.
Can I do it?
There's only one way to find out!
I Went East 4
Krabi and Railay Beach
It wasn't a pleasant journey down to Krabi. Silly me went and lost my train ticket. I think I put it in such as safe place that I forgot where it was. So rather than wait another 3 nights in Bangkok I wanted to get to Krabi as cheap and quickly as possible. That meant by bus. Night bus that they say takes 12 hours. Nice! So I book my ticket and get to the bus.I don't think I have ever been as uncomfortable as that. The person in front of me reclined their seat all the way back so he was basically lying on top of me. No leg room. The bus was packed so everyone was having to sit next to someone. I had a little thai woman who was going on holiday. She was fine, she was about 4 foot nothing. She asked me if I wanted to swap seats as she didn't need the room. She was curled up in her seat! But I had the window seat and didn't want to explain to her I will more than likely be sick if I don't sit next to window so just said I was fine. 12 hours later we get to Surat Thani...I was told I would be in Krabi by now. It is on the opposite coast. So everyone piles off the bus and we had to wait an hour before continuing on the journey. At about 10am we finally get to Krabi where the person tells me it will take another hour or so to get to Railay. Great! So get to the boat bit and have to wade out in the sea to get on the little tiny boat. Not fun when carrying an extra 20 or so kg's in luggage. Finally get to Railay and it all becomes worth it. 18 hours of travel and I am in pure paradise!
I trugged over to the cheap side of Railay and everyone was telling me could not get fan room cheaper than 700BHT so I am thinking I am going to have to treck all the way back over to the other side and move on. But then one helpful person said that was somewhere that did bungalows for 400BHT (50BHT is 1 GBP). So I manage to find it only to discover it is up the steepest steps and very uneven (I later counted there to be 60 steep steps). Managed to get a room with a shared bathroom for 250BHT per night so the climb was worth it. The room on the other hand...well. It was basically a makeshift cabin built on a bamboo scaffolding and the rooms separated by woven bamboo. I had a good 4inch gap under my door and could see daylight through the walls. And you could hear everything from the next rooms...and I mean EVERYTHING! Good job I had my iPod. It was just a matteress on the floor that you had to make sure you tread carefully as felt like you may fall through floorboards. But it was clean and affordable.
I spent 3 nights in Railay beach. The first day I just went to what is known as James Bond beach which is stunning. I have been trying to upload pictures but for some reason I can't. It may just be this internet place but I am quite worried my phone and memory card may have picked up a virus. That night I didn't do much other than have dinner at my guest house and walk to to the other beach for the sunset. On the way I had a shoe cricis and had to wait for the shop to open just to buy a cheap pair of flip flops as they were my last pair. So annoying!
On the second day I spent time on Railay beach itself. I had arranged to meet a girl I met on the way down to Railay so we could discuss going to Ko Phi Phi together and have dinner etc. I also got conked on the head by some falling fruit. I know not to sit under coconut trees and always look out for them. But there I was just about to fall asleep when whack! Some thing about the size of a lemon in a hard shell fell from a tree and it hurt! So I met up with Emma and then we went to watch the fire competition. It was really good. Guys doing things with these sticks that are on fire, they were really skilled. Ended up having an early night again and a nice lie in the next day.
I decided as I was having a major shoe cricis I would go over to Krabi town and see what I could get there. I found Railay to be so expensive like 40BHT for a bottle of water where as in other places it has been about 9BHT. Managed to get there in an hour. Was quite a nice easy journey other than having to wade out to get on the boats again but I was minus bags! Krabi was a horrible place. No feeling to it at all. Managed to get some shoes and a couple of books which I have kept me entertained today. Getting back was a nightmare. Before heading off in to town I saw a sign saying the last boat was was at 17.30 but I ended up getting to the pier at 15.00. I was waiting and waiting and waiting for ages. A few people turned up but there didn't seem to be any boats coming in. At about 4ish a boat came and said it was going to Tonsai beach and I would be able to walk back from there. I didn't want to risk not being able to get back and wasn't prepared to fork out for a boat of my own. So I went on that boat. Although this time the tide was out so I had to walk out to the boat. Ended up slicing my toe on some rocks which still really hurts and I was actually up to my waist in water. Good job I didn't have the bag on me. I get dropped off on the beach and I am told I can either go over the big rock/hill or round it as the tide was out. I opted for going round it as didn't really fancy a jungle trek I was hot enough as it was. Nightmare walk back. It was only about 2 miles but it was such hard work. I was in full sun and trying to pick me way through rocks and coral that were exposed as tide was out. Took a good hour just to walk from one of one beach to where I was going.
That night I decided I was worth having a couple of drinks after my exhausting walk back. Went for dinner with Emma and she said she was going to stick around on Railay longer as she really liked it. So rather than going to phi Phi together she has stayed there and I have come over to Ko Lanta. I did like Railay but was not very backpacker friendly and everything was aimed at 2 week holiday makers with money. Went to this bar where there was open mic night and basically you sing a long to an acoustic set. The Thai guying running the show was awful...sounded like a cat in pain! I can't believe he was paid to sing there he was bad. I had had a couple of beers and loads of other people had been up and had a go and so I thought why not. So I picked Sweet Child O Mine and actually got asked to do encore...yup the thai guy was that bad that people wanted to hear me sing again. So I picked Hotel California. It seemed to go ok but I know that I can't sing so was just a bit of fun making a fool of myself. It's not as though I am going to see those people ever again and have them take the piss out of me for ever!
The beer is strong here. 3 bottles of beer and I definatly felt it this morning! Had Emma knocking on my door as was supposed to meet her for breakfast. That girl had a massive thing about breakfast and talked about it a lot. I was still in bed and just sort of groaned at her! An hour later I had my breakfast of a Tuna Sandwich!
I am on Ko Lanta now and will write again once I have actually done something here!
xxxxx
It wasn't a pleasant journey down to Krabi. Silly me went and lost my train ticket. I think I put it in such as safe place that I forgot where it was. So rather than wait another 3 nights in Bangkok I wanted to get to Krabi as cheap and quickly as possible. That meant by bus. Night bus that they say takes 12 hours. Nice! So I book my ticket and get to the bus.I don't think I have ever been as uncomfortable as that. The person in front of me reclined their seat all the way back so he was basically lying on top of me. No leg room. The bus was packed so everyone was having to sit next to someone. I had a little thai woman who was going on holiday. She was fine, she was about 4 foot nothing. She asked me if I wanted to swap seats as she didn't need the room. She was curled up in her seat! But I had the window seat and didn't want to explain to her I will more than likely be sick if I don't sit next to window so just said I was fine. 12 hours later we get to Surat Thani...I was told I would be in Krabi by now. It is on the opposite coast. So everyone piles off the bus and we had to wait an hour before continuing on the journey. At about 10am we finally get to Krabi where the person tells me it will take another hour or so to get to Railay. Great! So get to the boat bit and have to wade out in the sea to get on the little tiny boat. Not fun when carrying an extra 20 or so kg's in luggage. Finally get to Railay and it all becomes worth it. 18 hours of travel and I am in pure paradise!
I trugged over to the cheap side of Railay and everyone was telling me could not get fan room cheaper than 700BHT so I am thinking I am going to have to treck all the way back over to the other side and move on. But then one helpful person said that was somewhere that did bungalows for 400BHT (50BHT is 1 GBP). So I manage to find it only to discover it is up the steepest steps and very uneven (I later counted there to be 60 steep steps). Managed to get a room with a shared bathroom for 250BHT per night so the climb was worth it. The room on the other hand...well. It was basically a makeshift cabin built on a bamboo scaffolding and the rooms separated by woven bamboo. I had a good 4inch gap under my door and could see daylight through the walls. And you could hear everything from the next rooms...and I mean EVERYTHING! Good job I had my iPod. It was just a matteress on the floor that you had to make sure you tread carefully as felt like you may fall through floorboards. But it was clean and affordable.
I spent 3 nights in Railay beach. The first day I just went to what is known as James Bond beach which is stunning. I have been trying to upload pictures but for some reason I can't. It may just be this internet place but I am quite worried my phone and memory card may have picked up a virus. That night I didn't do much other than have dinner at my guest house and walk to to the other beach for the sunset. On the way I had a shoe cricis and had to wait for the shop to open just to buy a cheap pair of flip flops as they were my last pair. So annoying!
On the second day I spent time on Railay beach itself. I had arranged to meet a girl I met on the way down to Railay so we could discuss going to Ko Phi Phi together and have dinner etc. I also got conked on the head by some falling fruit. I know not to sit under coconut trees and always look out for them. But there I was just about to fall asleep when whack! Some thing about the size of a lemon in a hard shell fell from a tree and it hurt! So I met up with Emma and then we went to watch the fire competition. It was really good. Guys doing things with these sticks that are on fire, they were really skilled. Ended up having an early night again and a nice lie in the next day.
I decided as I was having a major shoe cricis I would go over to Krabi town and see what I could get there. I found Railay to be so expensive like 40BHT for a bottle of water where as in other places it has been about 9BHT. Managed to get there in an hour. Was quite a nice easy journey other than having to wade out to get on the boats again but I was minus bags! Krabi was a horrible place. No feeling to it at all. Managed to get some shoes and a couple of books which I have kept me entertained today. Getting back was a nightmare. Before heading off in to town I saw a sign saying the last boat was was at 17.30 but I ended up getting to the pier at 15.00. I was waiting and waiting and waiting for ages. A few people turned up but there didn't seem to be any boats coming in. At about 4ish a boat came and said it was going to Tonsai beach and I would be able to walk back from there. I didn't want to risk not being able to get back and wasn't prepared to fork out for a boat of my own. So I went on that boat. Although this time the tide was out so I had to walk out to the boat. Ended up slicing my toe on some rocks which still really hurts and I was actually up to my waist in water. Good job I didn't have the bag on me. I get dropped off on the beach and I am told I can either go over the big rock/hill or round it as the tide was out. I opted for going round it as didn't really fancy a jungle trek I was hot enough as it was. Nightmare walk back. It was only about 2 miles but it was such hard work. I was in full sun and trying to pick me way through rocks and coral that were exposed as tide was out. Took a good hour just to walk from one of one beach to where I was going.
That night I decided I was worth having a couple of drinks after my exhausting walk back. Went for dinner with Emma and she said she was going to stick around on Railay longer as she really liked it. So rather than going to phi Phi together she has stayed there and I have come over to Ko Lanta. I did like Railay but was not very backpacker friendly and everything was aimed at 2 week holiday makers with money. Went to this bar where there was open mic night and basically you sing a long to an acoustic set. The Thai guying running the show was awful...sounded like a cat in pain! I can't believe he was paid to sing there he was bad. I had had a couple of beers and loads of other people had been up and had a go and so I thought why not. So I picked Sweet Child O Mine and actually got asked to do encore...yup the thai guy was that bad that people wanted to hear me sing again. So I picked Hotel California. It seemed to go ok but I know that I can't sing so was just a bit of fun making a fool of myself. It's not as though I am going to see those people ever again and have them take the piss out of me for ever!
The beer is strong here. 3 bottles of beer and I definatly felt it this morning! Had Emma knocking on my door as was supposed to meet her for breakfast. That girl had a massive thing about breakfast and talked about it a lot. I was still in bed and just sort of groaned at her! An hour later I had my breakfast of a Tuna Sandwich!
I am on Ko Lanta now and will write again once I have actually done something here!
xxxxx
Monday, 27 June 2011
Hungover
I'm hanging. I was woken at about 5am cos I was feeling so bad. What makes it worse is I have to go in to placement today. I wish I could call in sick. I am really hating this placement. My inner snob is coming out in me and I am disgusted by some of the people being chavy. The other morning I was driving in and there was this guy walking his kids to school at about 8.30am and he was drinking a can of lager. I hate hate hate hate there. The area I am in is so scummy. I didn't think areas as scummy existed. I am trying my hardest with it but I really don't like it.
I am so stupid. Drinking so much yesterday that I am now hungover. I wasn't meant to be drinking yesterday. I knew I had to go in and be around kids but yet here I am hanging.
I don't know what time I went to bed last night either. I am awake as when I am hanging I can't sleep. I am trying my overload on vitamins method by already having been up and liquidized a load of fruit but it doesn't appear to be working. I am going to try again though.
Time for crap tv and fruit.
I so don't want to go today. I hate hate hate hate the place,
I am so stupid. Drinking so much yesterday that I am now hungover. I wasn't meant to be drinking yesterday. I knew I had to go in and be around kids but yet here I am hanging.
I don't know what time I went to bed last night either. I am awake as when I am hanging I can't sleep. I am trying my overload on vitamins method by already having been up and liquidized a load of fruit but it doesn't appear to be working. I am going to try again though.
Time for crap tv and fruit.
I so don't want to go today. I hate hate hate hate the place,
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Dumped
My CPN dumped me today. She said there was little point trying to come up with a crisis plan when I know I wont do anything about it as I make my mind up well in advance. She said there was little point doing anything as we only had a short time together and it was pretty obvious I wont open up to anyone I don't know. She also said another reason why I had been referred to them was because of diagnosis. I won't accept the diagnosis of PD and so attempts at working towards accepting it are futile. She said I should continue to work with Sam as that is where I have a more trusting relationship.
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!
Night all.
xxx
To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.
I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.
But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.
They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!
I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!
Night all.
xxx
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
I Went East 3
Continuing my travel series...
Ko Chang and back to Bangkok (again!)
It's not that I love Bangkok (well I do really like it here) why I keep coming back it is as I am using it as the centre point of my trip and will keep coming back.
I decided I would go to Ko Chang as I couldn't get a train to the south and I wasn't feeling that sure about being in Bangkok as of the troubles with the red shirts and protests. It's a good job I left. The same day that I left it came to a head and ended up in riots on the KSR with 21 people dying and over 800 injured. Was speaking to a girl I met on KSR and she said it was quite scary.
Anyway, I was told it would take 7 hours to get to Ko Chang from Bangkok...pah! More like 12. It wasn't a too bad journey. I went by VIP bus and could spread out and was air conditioned. As I didn't sleep that much the night before I was able to sleep most of the way there so I didn't mind too much. Infact I was quite enjoying the bus ride as of the aircon!
So I arrive in Ko Chang at about 18.30. I find somewhere to stay and haggle with the owner. I have a cute bungalow as close to the sea as you can be. Didn't have aircon and had a stupid fan but it wasn't that bad. I didn't really do that much in Ko Chang. The first day I decided to have a walk to the beach. Had a swim in the sea and spent a couple of hours lounging around (it's what I am best at). When the shade started to go I decided to have a walk back in to the town and go to the place I spyed with a pool. Lovely!
The next day I did pretty much the same but it was the start of Thai New year celebrations. It is Songkran which is a 4 day festival. I got out the pool and decided to dry off. Mistake! I got about 10metres down the road when all these people just came at me with water guns and buckets of water. Drenched! I thought if can't beat them join them so brought myself a gun for 50p which was stollen by a little kid and she gave me the dog bowel she was using. Things started to take a more sinister turn...ice! So the water was not a refreshing splash any more but bloody freezing. I don't know how there were not any accidents on the road as motorbikes were swerving etc. It was accident waiting to happen really! Every car, taxi, motorbike and person that went by you shoot or throw water at. Taxis were most fun as you would have people cowering in the back wanting to stay dry. It was so much fun.
I then made my way back to Bangkok as have an overnight train to Krabi tonight and being as though is new year I thought the traffic would be worse so didn't want to risk not being back in time to get train. So staying on KSR again. Amazing! I thought it was pretty mad in Ko Chang. Here you are immediatly covered in flour and drenched as soon as you leave the guest house. Don't know how I am going to manage to get to train station without getting wet. I am in air con carriage and don't wanna be sitting soaking wet in it as I'll be cold!
Before I go I am going to go hang out in KSR again and get wet and wet other people. It's just one big water fight. It beats UK new year so much. I love how nice everyone is to one another and as you walk down the road you have people just throwing their arms around you giving you a hug.
So off to Krabi tonight. Not sure where I am going. Think I will have one night in Krabi itself and then move on to more beach areas.
xxxxxx
Ko Chang and back to Bangkok (again!)
It's not that I love Bangkok (well I do really like it here) why I keep coming back it is as I am using it as the centre point of my trip and will keep coming back.
I decided I would go to Ko Chang as I couldn't get a train to the south and I wasn't feeling that sure about being in Bangkok as of the troubles with the red shirts and protests. It's a good job I left. The same day that I left it came to a head and ended up in riots on the KSR with 21 people dying and over 800 injured. Was speaking to a girl I met on KSR and she said it was quite scary.
Anyway, I was told it would take 7 hours to get to Ko Chang from Bangkok...pah! More like 12. It wasn't a too bad journey. I went by VIP bus and could spread out and was air conditioned. As I didn't sleep that much the night before I was able to sleep most of the way there so I didn't mind too much. Infact I was quite enjoying the bus ride as of the aircon!
So I arrive in Ko Chang at about 18.30. I find somewhere to stay and haggle with the owner. I have a cute bungalow as close to the sea as you can be. Didn't have aircon and had a stupid fan but it wasn't that bad. I didn't really do that much in Ko Chang. The first day I decided to have a walk to the beach. Had a swim in the sea and spent a couple of hours lounging around (it's what I am best at). When the shade started to go I decided to have a walk back in to the town and go to the place I spyed with a pool. Lovely!
The next day I did pretty much the same but it was the start of Thai New year celebrations. It is Songkran which is a 4 day festival. I got out the pool and decided to dry off. Mistake! I got about 10metres down the road when all these people just came at me with water guns and buckets of water. Drenched! I thought if can't beat them join them so brought myself a gun for 50p which was stollen by a little kid and she gave me the dog bowel she was using. Things started to take a more sinister turn...ice! So the water was not a refreshing splash any more but bloody freezing. I don't know how there were not any accidents on the road as motorbikes were swerving etc. It was accident waiting to happen really! Every car, taxi, motorbike and person that went by you shoot or throw water at. Taxis were most fun as you would have people cowering in the back wanting to stay dry. It was so much fun.
I then made my way back to Bangkok as have an overnight train to Krabi tonight and being as though is new year I thought the traffic would be worse so didn't want to risk not being back in time to get train. So staying on KSR again. Amazing! I thought it was pretty mad in Ko Chang. Here you are immediatly covered in flour and drenched as soon as you leave the guest house. Don't know how I am going to manage to get to train station without getting wet. I am in air con carriage and don't wanna be sitting soaking wet in it as I'll be cold!
Before I go I am going to go hang out in KSR again and get wet and wet other people. It's just one big water fight. It beats UK new year so much. I love how nice everyone is to one another and as you walk down the road you have people just throwing their arms around you giving you a hug.
So off to Krabi tonight. Not sure where I am going. Think I will have one night in Krabi itself and then move on to more beach areas.
xxxxxx
Sunday, 19 June 2011
I Went East 2
Continuing on from my last posts about a month ago about my travels..
Ayutthaya and back to Bangkok
Ended up only staying one night in Bangkok and a good night it was. Decided I was going to chill out and just watch everything go by and soak it all in when i was joined by 3 guys from Hungary. We got talking and the drinks started flowing. Although I only actually paid for one! Ended up in this weird Irish bar, it was air conditioned so I wasn't complaining. They had a live band on which was 5 Thai men doing indie/rock tributes. They were actually quite good and the 4 of us had a great laugh dancing around. We were joined by these Thai girls...and no it wasn't what you are thinking. They were students on a night out in Bangkok. Had a really good night but come 2am I was flagging and the music went crap (chavy city centre bar crap) and the travels were catching up on me. So off to bed I went. Considering I didn't have air conditioning I slept really well, it was probably a mixture of alcohol and being exhausted though.
So I catch the train to Ayutthaya, it is a UNESCO hertiage site. Loads of ancient Khemer ruins that were quite interesting. Basically I rented a bike and biked round the different temples. It was quite nice. Being as though I had an air conditioned room for the same as I was paying for fan room in Bangkok I decided that I would stay there for 3 nights. Ayutthaya is quite a quiet place. Well quite is an understatement. The first night I was there I decided to go to the night markets and have dinner. Cheaper than chips! Although, I did draw quite abit of a crowd as I had my dinner. I ordered something that was described as hot and spicy...and it was!. I had people looking at me and I could tell they were thinking stupid pasty white girl.But it was yummy and was about 70p with rice and a water. My lips were burning an hour later though.
After a day of sight seeing I decided I was going to go to an area that they call little Khao San Road. I was thinking that there may be a few people around. I sat my self in a restaurant...I was the only person in the place. I had looked in other places and they were also empty so I had to break my usual rule of going where is busy and went for going where is cheap and I like the look of the menu. It was quite early though but I was quite tired so I thought I would go back to the guesthouse and read for a bit...I have started reading Twilight and unfortunately I am loving it so means I am going to be having to track down the others while I am out here!
On my third day I didn't really do anything. Just went for a wander and got some supplies. Oh and I went to Tesco! Yep...they have Tesco's here also. You know how I love a good tesco shopping trip. I was thinking I would grab myself a few cold beers and some water but when I went to pay she said I couldn't have the beer until 5pm...it was about 11am. SO came out with just a bottle of water. So that evening I decided I would go back to little KSR a little later and see what it was like. It was even worse. There was hardly anyone around. I grabbed some dinner and went back to the guest house with a couple of cans and sat on the balcony and read.
I quite liked the guest house I was staying in although I had some confusion over the name of it. On my first evening there I went out and got a tad lost. I had lost the map the guesthouse guy had wrote on and found another one but I was guessing where the road I was on was. So asking people how I got back to it. Asking them if they knew where SaunBaun guesthouse was and I was getting loads of blank looks and people wondering what on earth I was on about. After about asking the 6th person he said do you mean Baun Su-an. I was like yeah that's the one. So I was asking people for directions to a place that didn't even exist. Even after this I was still struggling. I had the name although the pronunciation had nto be spot on for people to understand. In the end a moto taxi driver said I could follow him for 20BHT after he had told me the same directions over and over again. I am thinking I have biked down there about 4 times already surly he is not right! Well Yup, he was right. I was looking on the wrong side of the road. What a waste of 40p but it got me back. It was just around the corner. The only problem with the guest house was that I was woken each morning at sunrise by dogs howling. They made such a weird noise and was quite eery. Everyplace seems to have a dog that barked at me as walked past. I had one dog chase me when I was on the bike. I don't like animals over here...they may have rabies. Actually I am not keen on animals full stop never mind possible rabid ones!
So now I am back in Bangkok for the night and I am going to sort out onward travel for tomorrow. My plan was to head on down to Ko Samui on the overnight train tonight. Forgetting it is Thai new year from the 11th April so everyone is trying to get away. I was at the station in ticket office and the guy said I could get on the train at 5pm tonight. I said ok. So out I run to get a Tuk tuk and haggle with the price and said for him to step on it. And he did. So I made it back to visa place hoping my passport would be back. No it wasn't due back til 6. So another mad rush back to the train station so I can postpone my ticket rather than losing 690BHT (about 14quid). Made it with minutes to spare. I have postponed it until the 14th April to go to Ko Samui and in the interim I am going to try and arrange to get a bus to Ko Chang or Ko Samet tomorrow so I can get some beach time. They heat is just making me want to laze on the beach or by a pool and relax a little before going mad moving everywhere. So I plan to do the north when Raq leaves me on June 19th - July 1st.
So that has been my first few days...not done a lot but it has been quite interesting also. I will blog again after where I decide to go.
xxx
Ayutthaya and back to Bangkok
Ended up only staying one night in Bangkok and a good night it was. Decided I was going to chill out and just watch everything go by and soak it all in when i was joined by 3 guys from Hungary. We got talking and the drinks started flowing. Although I only actually paid for one! Ended up in this weird Irish bar, it was air conditioned so I wasn't complaining. They had a live band on which was 5 Thai men doing indie/rock tributes. They were actually quite good and the 4 of us had a great laugh dancing around. We were joined by these Thai girls...and no it wasn't what you are thinking. They were students on a night out in Bangkok. Had a really good night but come 2am I was flagging and the music went crap (chavy city centre bar crap) and the travels were catching up on me. So off to bed I went. Considering I didn't have air conditioning I slept really well, it was probably a mixture of alcohol and being exhausted though.
So I catch the train to Ayutthaya, it is a UNESCO hertiage site. Loads of ancient Khemer ruins that were quite interesting. Basically I rented a bike and biked round the different temples. It was quite nice. Being as though I had an air conditioned room for the same as I was paying for fan room in Bangkok I decided that I would stay there for 3 nights. Ayutthaya is quite a quiet place. Well quite is an understatement. The first night I was there I decided to go to the night markets and have dinner. Cheaper than chips! Although, I did draw quite abit of a crowd as I had my dinner. I ordered something that was described as hot and spicy...and it was!. I had people looking at me and I could tell they were thinking stupid pasty white girl.But it was yummy and was about 70p with rice and a water. My lips were burning an hour later though.
After a day of sight seeing I decided I was going to go to an area that they call little Khao San Road. I was thinking that there may be a few people around. I sat my self in a restaurant...I was the only person in the place. I had looked in other places and they were also empty so I had to break my usual rule of going where is busy and went for going where is cheap and I like the look of the menu. It was quite early though but I was quite tired so I thought I would go back to the guesthouse and read for a bit...I have started reading Twilight and unfortunately I am loving it so means I am going to be having to track down the others while I am out here!
On my third day I didn't really do anything. Just went for a wander and got some supplies. Oh and I went to Tesco! Yep...they have Tesco's here also. You know how I love a good tesco shopping trip. I was thinking I would grab myself a few cold beers and some water but when I went to pay she said I couldn't have the beer until 5pm...it was about 11am. SO came out with just a bottle of water. So that evening I decided I would go back to little KSR a little later and see what it was like. It was even worse. There was hardly anyone around. I grabbed some dinner and went back to the guest house with a couple of cans and sat on the balcony and read.
I quite liked the guest house I was staying in although I had some confusion over the name of it. On my first evening there I went out and got a tad lost. I had lost the map the guesthouse guy had wrote on and found another one but I was guessing where the road I was on was. So asking people how I got back to it. Asking them if they knew where SaunBaun guesthouse was and I was getting loads of blank looks and people wondering what on earth I was on about. After about asking the 6th person he said do you mean Baun Su-an. I was like yeah that's the one. So I was asking people for directions to a place that didn't even exist. Even after this I was still struggling. I had the name although the pronunciation had nto be spot on for people to understand. In the end a moto taxi driver said I could follow him for 20BHT after he had told me the same directions over and over again. I am thinking I have biked down there about 4 times already surly he is not right! Well Yup, he was right. I was looking on the wrong side of the road. What a waste of 40p but it got me back. It was just around the corner. The only problem with the guest house was that I was woken each morning at sunrise by dogs howling. They made such a weird noise and was quite eery. Everyplace seems to have a dog that barked at me as walked past. I had one dog chase me when I was on the bike. I don't like animals over here...they may have rabies. Actually I am not keen on animals full stop never mind possible rabid ones!
So now I am back in Bangkok for the night and I am going to sort out onward travel for tomorrow. My plan was to head on down to Ko Samui on the overnight train tonight. Forgetting it is Thai new year from the 11th April so everyone is trying to get away. I was at the station in ticket office and the guy said I could get on the train at 5pm tonight. I said ok. So out I run to get a Tuk tuk and haggle with the price and said for him to step on it. And he did. So I made it back to visa place hoping my passport would be back. No it wasn't due back til 6. So another mad rush back to the train station so I can postpone my ticket rather than losing 690BHT (about 14quid). Made it with minutes to spare. I have postponed it until the 14th April to go to Ko Samui and in the interim I am going to try and arrange to get a bus to Ko Chang or Ko Samet tomorrow so I can get some beach time. They heat is just making me want to laze on the beach or by a pool and relax a little before going mad moving everywhere. So I plan to do the north when Raq leaves me on June 19th - July 1st.
So that has been my first few days...not done a lot but it has been quite interesting also. I will blog again after where I decide to go.
xxx
Maybe The Start Of Something New...
I like him. I had date number 2 tonight. I am so awkward though. I don't know how to be. I wanted to kiss him at the end. Seemingly he wanted to kiss me. I got a message from him after saying he had a great night and he wasn't sure if I liked him or not as he really wanted to kiss me but didn't wanna make it awkward for me in case I didn't like him. He is nice to hang out with and he makes me laugh and he is quite fancyable. I do quite like him.
So problems now are that
1) I have totally ran out of money now and so can't really afford to do much if anything. I don't like guys paying for me, I like to go halves on things.
2) I start placement this week. Which means a lot of hard work and very little time.
3) My scars. And at the moment the cut. It's looking infected again. I have a load of antibiotics from previous times of infection so am wondering if I should take a course of those. I don't want to end up in hospital again. Also, how do I explain to him about them? Will he believe fallen on glass coffee table? Am I kidding myself over this? Also, is now the right time for me to be going in to something new. Part of me feels it's unfair on him and on anyone when obviously I am not fully over my ex. But maybe me being ok with him being engaged means I am over him? And, the way I feel about Vince. I feel like a teenager when he texts me.
I have a couple of reservations about him. One of them being that he is the same age as me. Ideally I would like someone older. I think this is because I want to settle down soon. I want kids in the next few years. Obviously I have not had this talk with him, as we have been on 2 dates. But we have both said we like each other and we want to see each other again. So, I think there is possible potential. I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who then says they don't want kids for another 10 years. I could see me having fallen for them and then not having kids until I am way in to my 30's. I don't want that. So what do I do if I am in that situation...stop taking the pill and not tell him? But I suppose, I don't know that much about him yet to be making those judgements, and doing that to someone would be awful!
So, could this be the start of something?
Can anyone suggest free date ideas please!
xxxx
So problems now are that
1) I have totally ran out of money now and so can't really afford to do much if anything. I don't like guys paying for me, I like to go halves on things.
2) I start placement this week. Which means a lot of hard work and very little time.
3) My scars. And at the moment the cut. It's looking infected again. I have a load of antibiotics from previous times of infection so am wondering if I should take a course of those. I don't want to end up in hospital again. Also, how do I explain to him about them? Will he believe fallen on glass coffee table? Am I kidding myself over this? Also, is now the right time for me to be going in to something new. Part of me feels it's unfair on him and on anyone when obviously I am not fully over my ex. But maybe me being ok with him being engaged means I am over him? And, the way I feel about Vince. I feel like a teenager when he texts me.
I have a couple of reservations about him. One of them being that he is the same age as me. Ideally I would like someone older. I think this is because I want to settle down soon. I want kids in the next few years. Obviously I have not had this talk with him, as we have been on 2 dates. But we have both said we like each other and we want to see each other again. So, I think there is possible potential. I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who then says they don't want kids for another 10 years. I could see me having fallen for them and then not having kids until I am way in to my 30's. I don't want that. So what do I do if I am in that situation...stop taking the pill and not tell him? But I suppose, I don't know that much about him yet to be making those judgements, and doing that to someone would be awful!
So, could this be the start of something?
Can anyone suggest free date ideas please!
xxxx
Saturday, 18 June 2011
New Placement and Birthdays
I start my new placement on Monday and I am dreading it. It's with kids. Young kids. Yuk. I can deal with teenagers, you can begin to rationalise with them. But kids under 5. Not my cup of tea. It doesn't help that I am miles away. And, my car is due MOT in the next couple of weeks and there is no way my shed will make it through. Not when it's a P reg rust bucket. So I don't know what I am going to do.
I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.
However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.
So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.
It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.
This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.
Then I remember
1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.
Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.
Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.
I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.
And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.
You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?
Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?
Please comment on this one!!!!!!
I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.
However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.
So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.
It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.
This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.
Then I remember
1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.
Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.
Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.
I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.
And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.
You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?
Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?
Please comment on this one!!!!!!
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Cancelled
I was sitting there with my phone in my hand. I was waiting to go to a tutorial, I knew I shouldn't have been parked where I was so was leaving it until the last minute before I had to go. I suppose I was pushing it, parking outside the security office in a permit holder area only.
Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.
"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".
Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.
Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.
So I think I have about 3 weeks off now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.
Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!
Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.
"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".
Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.
Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.
So I think I have about 3 weeks off now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.
Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!
Fat Club - 3rd Weigh In. Also...the 1st date and other bits and bobs.
Not a good week.
Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb
I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.
So here's to a good next week.
On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.
I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.
I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.
I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.
I've had enough of it all now.
Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb
I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.
So here's to a good next week.
On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.
I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.
I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.
I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.
I've had enough of it all now.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Date Night
I'm going on a date tonight.
It's with a guy I met online. I am not over bothered about him. He sounds too sensitive. I am really laid back when it comes to dating and to be honest I can't be bothered with the whole dating thing. So, that whole thing makes it seem as though I am not interested. I don't like dating.
I am slightly nervous in case I like him and he doesn't like me. Or if he stands me up or something like that. I suppose I ought to make an effort. I suppose I should just go with it.
I have text my friends and have them on stand by in case it all goes wrong.
Fingers crossed.
It's with a guy I met online. I am not over bothered about him. He sounds too sensitive. I am really laid back when it comes to dating and to be honest I can't be bothered with the whole dating thing. So, that whole thing makes it seem as though I am not interested. I don't like dating.
I am slightly nervous in case I like him and he doesn't like me. Or if he stands me up or something like that. I suppose I ought to make an effort. I suppose I should just go with it.
I have text my friends and have them on stand by in case it all goes wrong.
Fingers crossed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
