Not Discharged

Today was planned discharge date. Not surprised that I haven't been though. After the OD last week and last night cutting really bad and swallowing stuff. I refused to go to hospital at first but they said they would get the police involved and make me go if I didn't. I had them sort out my leg but I wouldn't let them x-ray me. My reason for that was because I had swallowed loads of stuff. I had told them it was only one bit. I knew if they saw the x-ray they would want to keep me in and I didn't want to stay in. I hate that place. It makes me so anxious being there.

The cuts were quite bad and they couldn't give me enough local anaesthetic, so they gave me gas too. That's great stuff. I was proper out of it. It was like I was really pissed and I was hallucinating. But, it did really hurt.

So the plan. If I am better in 2 weeks, discharge. If not...discharge or...referral to low secure place. I don't quite understand. They are polar opposites of each other. I will have some time with my key worker tomorrow and ask her their reasoning behind this. I really don't understand.

I really feel as though I have lost control at the moment. I don't know which way things are going. I am feeling suicidal, and I have plans and methods lined up. I can see that things can be better than they are now, but, I can also see that things will be where they are now again and again. This isn't a blip as some would say. I am so confused as to what is going on. I really don't feel as though I have any control over where things are going. The urges to run are huge. I want to go to the river. I want to drink myself in to oblivion and then jump in the river and die. I want to drink the antifreeze I have at home. I want to wait for the order of Amitriptyline to arrive and take those. I have a few plans. Another idea I have is getting hold of some fast acting insulin and causing a hypo. That would be painless and quick.

I want to die. But, I also have to think about college. I am supposed to be going back next week. I don't want to. After everything that has been said to me by one of the girls in the group, I feel I am going to be really up against it from the class. That they feel that it's unfair that I have been able to have the time off and they have had stress and they haven't. She basically  told me the class are pissed off that I am coming back. That's nice. So, basically I won't have any support. I am telling myself that I don't want to go back. I have done a pros and cons list about going back and there appears to be more cons about it. But, the staff here think I should be going back. I am wondering if they know best. Or do I? I don't know if I can cope from the pressure of the course. The pressure I put myself under. And this could cummilate in me doing something and ending up back in here. Or worse....PICU where fingers is. I don't know if I know best, or if they do. They want me to go back to college next week and come back here after. This will be the first week at college. They think it would be beneficial for me to have the support. But, that's all well and good, but what happens when I'm not here and I don't have the support of staff. You could say that I put myself under too much pressure, that I have set my standards too high and that I need to relax a bit over it. But, that's not going to happen

The reasons I think I should go back...are because of other people. That they have expectations of me. That, some people think I am taking the piss by being ill and I need to just suck it up and get on with it. I suppose really, they aren't great friends. But, having them is better than having no friends at all. They are fun to go drinking with etc. But, when it comes to this....they are useless. I thought one of my friends was in America until Wednesday. I whatsapped her today about something asking what time she got back Wednesday and she said she got back on Saturday. She didn't think to text me to see how I was or what is going on with me. None of them know I am still in hospital because they haven't asked. No one has once asked how I am. Sounds stupid, but this really made me cry. I am over emotional at the moment. Today I am tired (I was up all night at hospital and then couldn't sleep), I am in pain because of my leg, and I am on my period. On top of that the same shit running through my head at full on speed.

Do I feel safer in hospital? Do I want to be here? I suppose on some level, I must do. Or I wouldn't have been honest and told them that as soon as I get out I am going through with my plans and that if they took me off the section I wouldn't stay. I could have lied and said I knew I was stupid self harming. I knew I was stupid ODing, that the feelings are still there and I am trying to work through them. But, I didn't. I knew if I told the truth they would keep me. Although, before I went in to review they had a meeting with G (my CPN and community doc were supposed to be there too but weren't my CPN pissed me off as she has cancelled the last two appointments with me...not giving me a good impression of her really) and I asked a nurse who was also in that meeting what was said in it and she said they had pretty much decided I would be in for two more weeks. So, maybe what I said had no bearing at all. They had already made up their minds. Don't know why she bothered asking me the questions really.

I really need a cuddle. Wow, just writing that has made me tear up and start crying. What the fuck is going on. I think they need to introduce pet therapy on to the wards. I need a cuddle with my dog. I find it really therapeutic snuggling her. And that's another worry...she's really old and not doing well at all. She hasn't got long left in her now. I've had her longer than I've not had her. She is great at reading your mood and knows when you want snuggles and she lets me play with her ears...I think she likes it too. She's not that affectionate with anyone else but she is with me.

I've been here before: Where long term secure has been an option. It terrifies me. But, there's something weird in me that wants to push them see how far they are willing to go. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am not getting enough from what I am getting. Maybe it would validate how I feel and make others see just how serious it is and it is something that I can't just suck up. There is something in me that wants to have someone completely take over. If I didn't have my own flat, then, I would probably push it. I feel as though I need to have someone else have control as I can't control it. But, I think their thinking is at the moment I need to try and regain some control and that's why I should be given leave etc. That I should go back to college. I feel so detached from everything. Even after last night...I want to SH again. I want to do something. Even with the threat of low secure hanging over me....I want to do a runner to the river. I want to drink in to oblivion and jump in.

I really really don't know what to do. My head is a mess. It's all fucked up. But, I getting a bit of a high off the tramadol. My leg is so painful. And there are very few painkillers I can take without getting sick, even though this is probably over kill, I can't take anything codeine based, or diclofenac, and I had a reaction to nefapam last week. The only one I haven't is tramadol, which is weird considering how much stronger it is.

I asked one of the girls on the ward if she smoked weed...I knew she had done other drugs. I've asked to to give the phone number of one of her contacts so I can get some weed. I think it may actually help at the moment.

I am beginning to waffle now. I didn't think I had so much to write about.

Quick Update

Still in hospital under a section 3.

I am doubtful that I will be discharged Monday as was the plan. I did a runner and took an OD. Ended up coming round in resus with a nurse from the ward with me. I can't remember much. But, my plan was to take the meds and get to the river. The meds kicked in before I made it to the river. I passed out in the street somewhere near the river...so close but so far. I had been pouching some of my meds and I used those to take an OD. I didn't think that they would do much on their own other than make me sleepy. I didn't expect it to give me heart and bp problems. My keyworker asked me where I got the meds from and I was honest with her. She has it in her head that I don't think I deserve the meds. She is blaming me not taking those meds properly in 3 weeks on how I am feeling now. I don't know why she thinks I think I don't deserve them. I don't think that way. I was pouching them as I was planning on doing what I did. I knew the effect (well thought I knew) of what they did.I didn't expect them to work so quickly and make me pass out. Maybe having them with alcohol increased the effect of them.

My keyworker is nice. I have a band 6 nurse as mine, which is useful as she has a lot of say in how things go on the ward. So, if I raise something with her she can react to it and get it done because she is all their boss. She's nice, but, she has those "oh poor you" eyes and talks like ahhhh awwww awwww poor you....but without actually saying that. Maybe she does feel for me, but it seems a bit much at times. Sometimes G's approach of "what the fuck K, what are you messing around at...that's bull shit etc etc etc" helps. He is a real person and pretty much says what he thinks.

I still have plans and I have ordered some meds online. I have the plan of the river still and want to go ahead with that plan. It's getting colder now so I would think that the plan of the river would happen quite quickly.

I don't really want to go back to college. It hasn't helped that the person who is closest to my age has been very unsupportive. Has been rude and very unkind. I can't face another 7 months of that. I can't handle the work. And...if I am planning on ending my life it's no use to me anyway.I think the meds will come the middle of next week. I plan on trying to get to the river again tomorrow or Sunday. I just need to make sure the member of staff who is with me can't run. And, I wouldn't want to run from someone I like. I would feel bad about that. The weekend is usually bank staff who don't have a clue about anything.

I am not even sure how long I have been here now. It is either 6,7 or 8 weeks. I really don't know. It's weird though, in the past, I have known it is time to go when I get bored. I have not been bored. I am worried that is a sign that I should be here. I don't want to be. I want to be free to carry out my plan and not have interference.