Holding On

I've not posted in a while as I was writing a thought journal and I couldn't be bothered to duplicate it. But, I haven't posted in a while and I felt as though I needed to get something down on here as I use this to look back on over time and to see where I was at a certain point.

Today is Easter Sunday. It's the first Easter since 2009 that I have spent it with family. In 2010 I travelled to SE Asia. Then 2011, I was in hospital with a broken ankle, 2012, I was in psychiatric hospital on the PICU, last year I was in intensive care on a ventilator breathing for me as I was so ill from the OD. Not that I am bothered by Easter, I don't celebrate it, we never have really. I got dragged to church as a kid, but since my Nan died nearly, 15 years ago, I haven't been to mass at all. So here I am sitting in my flat, waiting for my camera to charge so I can get a load of stuff on eBay to make some extra money for my big trip in a few weeks. Bit of a difference isn't there.

I suppose it's positive isn't it? I am not sure if I am well. But, I am not in hospital. I am managing by myself and don't require hospitalisation.

I have had quite a bit going off the last few weeks. My Mother's drinking has been bad again. It makes me really angry. And it worries me. And selfishly, I am worried about what the situation is doing to me and how it is mentally affecting me.

A couple of weeks back, one Thursday night I was just about to get in to bed and my phone pinged. My Dad had uploaded a picture on Facebook of the lounge that was trashed, that my Mum had done in a drunken state. I called him straight away having a massive go at him. He can't upload things like that to Facebook. He said he was really angry and maybe she would learn. I told him publicly airing our dirty laundry is not the way to go about it. I told him to delete it but he wouldn't. So I hacked his facebook and I deleted it. We have mutual friends and I don't want them seeing that. I don't want my family problems aired on Facebook. I was fuming. He called me back saying he was at his wits end and she was upsetting him as she was trashing stuff in the house because she was drunk. I told him to call the police and he said that they wouldn't do anything and it hadn't made any difference in the past. He called them once before and she was taken to the cells for a while until my brother made me drive down there with him and got her out and took her back to his for the night. I was really angry at that too. I told my Dad if he keeps doing it, she will eventually learn. Surly, there are only so many times you can wake up in a police cell before you think things have to change. It worked for me. Not waking up in a cell, but waking up in hospital, or waking up at home with the police banging on my door as they were concerned for my welfare.

Ok, it did happen a couple of weeks back. I woke up in hospital. I admit I was stupid. I didn't do anything. I wasn't on a mission to get drunk at all. But, I was putting them away as I was out with my brother and I didn't realise how much I had had. I got home and in some rational thinking I knew I needed help as I was so drunk. I think I must have been lying in bed and had been a bit sick on myself and realised that if I fell asleep I would be at risk of choking on my own vomit. The stupid thing I did was to go for a walk. I should have just gone and sat in the bathroom with my head in the toilet so at least if I was sick I wouldn't have choked. But, I went for a walk and ended up in hospital. I can't remember much. Just I woke up with a drip in and in a gown. They told me I was projectile vomiting and they put a NPA in to protect my airway and had to cut my dress off as I was caked. Not my finest moment. Not at all. I am so embarrassed. I don't really drink that much anymore so, when I did have some it affected me so much more than it would have done if I regularly drank. But, that is no excuse for my behaviour. I should have stopped drinking earlier and didn't.

Anyway, I think there is only so many times you can wake up in a police cell before you click that something needs to change.

The next day, I went round to my parents as I had the kids and they were staying there over night. While on my own with my Dad he was stating that he was not going to stand for it anymore and that if it happened again he would divorce her etc. So that kicks in my child side getting worried and not wanting that. And getting really worried about how it will affect me. Last time it all happened I didn't cope well at all and ended up sectioned. I know I don't have to live with either of them, but I still know what is going on. Not the full extent of it. I only know a little. But because I know I don't know all of it, I know it's much worse than I actually know. But, anyway, I told my Dad I wasn't really happy about them having the kids stay if she was like that. He said not to worry as it has never happened when the kids have stayed and they don't drink that much. So, I let it lie a bit. But, then we went out for dinner all together. And they ordered a bottle of wine between 3 of them. Not much, but we had finished dinner, the kids were knackered and they wanted to order another bottle. I got really angry saying it wasn't fair on the kids as they are young and can't expect them to just sit there while you all have another bottle of wine. They needed to go home and get to bed. So, we all pile in to the car and then my Dad sends my Mum in to the shop for more wine. So, I had a right go at him asking him what he was playing at. Only the night before she had been kicking off and here he was encouraging her to drink more. His reply was really selfish, along the lines of that he wanted a drink so why should he have to go without as she can't control it. I was fuming. I dropped them all off and went over to my friend's for a rant at her.

So, I went to see G on the Monday and ranted the whole thing at him. Talking non stop really angrily about it. Then he said something that got me. He said there was safeguarding issues with the kids staying there. That if that is occurring they shouldn't be staying. I get that, I don't think it has happened while they have been there. I asked the eldest the other day if he ever heard them shouting at each other or if he ever got scared while staying there and he said no he liked it. And he would tell me if there was anything as we are really close and he knows he can tell me anything. So, I don't think anything has happened. But G has said I need to speak to my brothers about it and let them know the extent of things so they can make their own minds up and the one with my nephews can decide whether or not they stay there. G said if I don't say anything he will have to make it more official and get social services involved for an assessment etc. Obviously that would be awful. The worst thing that could happen.

But, the whole situation is a massive stress for me. I am worried about what to say. Worried if I down play it it will get ignored and it will be me being over sensitive etc, but if I get it wrong it will be seen as an attack on their parenting. Because, I know they have been drunk and had massive arguments when the kids have been in the house.

I want to run away from the whole situation. But I can't, because the ramifications of that would be worse. I know I need to say something. My friend said I don't need to say I have my concerns about the kids staying there, but basically just to let them both know, that her drinking isn't just it, it's her reactions after she has had a drink. Then if they are fully informed, he can make his own mind up about the kids being there. I am worried G will intervene anyway. I didn't exactly get a clear outline from him about what needed to be said.

We are all getting together for lunch today. I won't be drinking and I can escape after a while. But, I think I will use today as a spring board as a launch in to the conversation. Just saying that I am really worried about how much she is drinking and it's not just that she is getting drunk but she gets aggressive and I have known that she has caused damage etc.

The whole situation is causing me so much worry at the moment. I feel that I am only just holding on. I am really anxious about it. I wish I could just run away from it all. But that wouldn't solve anything would it?

I have the big walk coming up in a couple of weeks. It is such a huge thing for me and I am worried about how my Mum is going to be if she drinks. I don't want to drink as there is no way I can walk 15 miles a day if I have had a drink the night before. I did 15 miles on Friday. The walk was a lot tougher than what we will be doing in Scotland, but I ache so much 2 days later. I can barely move without being in pain. Everything hurts. So, no way can I do it if I have had a drink.

So, I suppose I will have to see how that one pans out.

I've not seen G for a couple of weeks as he is on annual leave. I will only be seeing him once in the next few weeks. Then, at the beginning of June I think we will go back to weekly meetings. But, I am not sure how long that will last for. It was a year ago and we said we would give it a year and see how things are. I know he can't be my psychologist forever. I have been seeing him nearly two and a half years now. I am scared I can't do it without him. I know I rely on him too much. I suppose I will have to wait and see.