Out of Hospital

I made the right decision to leave. I was ready to leave. I am not brilliant, but I am managing better. A lot better. I think it is because I was able to get some sleep, they have started me on a new medication which has helped with the anxiety and I feel as I can cope better.

I knew it was time to leave yesterday when I was bored. In that I couldn't face another day sitting doing nothing other than listening to my music. I needed more stimulation. So, that is a good sign for me.

It was not easy being there though. I did have a couple of slip ups, one where I ended up being restrained and jabbed in the bum with medication and another where the police were involved.

I was really struggling and declined to take medication. They said I was doing my self more harm than good refusing the medication so I was restrained and jabbed in the bum. I fought until the last minute. Not sure why as I know I am never going to beat 5 people holding me down. But I was determined I didn't want or need it. In hindsight, I did and they did the right thing. I should have just conceded and taken the medication.

The second incident was on Saturday evening. I was going out to the shop to get some dinner. But on the way there I had a massive panic/anxiety attack. I was paranoid that someone was following me and that if I went to the shop something was going to happen to me. So, I got in a taxi and went home. Mistake. While I was at home the paranoia and anxiety took over and I was seeing things pretty much constantly and I could only see one way out of it all and that was taking an OD to end it. So I popped pretty much all the pills I had in the house and prepared to take them. I also made a noose with some leggings. As I was working it all out I didn't think I would have enough to do the job and didn't want it to just make me sick. So, I started having doubts. I knew if I do end my life it is not going to be on impulse. So I flushed them down the toilet and ran out the flat. I took the noose with me and concealed it on my person.

I wasn't sure where I was going but I started walking the 4 miles back to the hospital. I got most the way and saw I had had a voice mail from the hospital. I had seen I had had had a missed call earlier, but ignored it but the voice mail hadn't come through. They said they were worried about me and could I please get in contact with them. So I did call them. I told them I was walking back, but I was really struggling with my thoughts and feelings and was having urges to jump in front of the traffic or jump off the bridge near to the hospital over the train line. I explained to them where I was and they said if I waited at the McDonald's that they would send a taxi for me, and they told me the name of what taxi company it would be. I went in to Macca's and got a bottle of water. Next thing I know there is a police car zooming past on blue lights pulling in to the road at the side. I see them turn around and come back towards me so I walk off, hoping they hadn't seen me and I could get back without an escort by the police. No such luck. He caught up with me and told me nicely to go with them and they would take me back.

I got back on the ward and was searched, but they didn't find anything. I did take a small OD while I was out. I didn't take it to kill me but to space me out as I know those pills do. I only took about 10. I felt fine until about 4 hours later when I was a walking zombie. My BP was very low apparently 90/50. I was feeling spaced out, but also really sick. I had taken a small OD earlier that day as well while I was out in the morning of antihistamines, hoping that they would also make me drowsy and just make me sleep. I didn't take it to kill me. I just wanted some respite from the feelings I was having.

All day Sunday I slept pretty much all day. I got what I wanted. With an early night Sunday night, yesterday I felt a lot better and I knew as I was feeling bored, I needed to be discharged. They agreed. I am not sure they would have agreed if they knew about the small ODs. But, they let me go.

While things are not fantastic at the moment, they are better than they were. I am still low, I do still have some thoughts. But the anxiety has reduced and I am better able to cope with the thoughts that I have.

I am seeing the Psychologist in a bit. I am not sure what to tell him about how I have managed to turn it around as I don't think telling him it took a small OD of pills than made me in to a zombie for the day is an effective way. And then there is the whole having to go to hospital etc, that he may make me do to get checked out. Then if I don't the possibility of having to have a mental health act assessment. Although the reason I don't want to go to the hospital is because of being made to wait hours for blood tests. Not because I want it to kill me. So, I don't think they would do a mental health act assessment because of that.

So that has been my last few days.