Feeling Shit

I hope this doesn't bring me back down again in to the deepest despair of a depression. I am going to try and ensure that it doesn't.

I have been on the dating site Plenty of Fish. And so far I have not met anyone I have felt attracted to or they have been quite weird and just not right. Insecure, attached, emotional etc etc etc. I have been on quite a few dates recently and nothing. The night I opened up to my friend about things about what happened on holiday when I was 15 (as some people say it was rape but I haven't seen it like that and never will) but anyway. that night I was talking to her about dating again and she said it was a good thing as broadens the people I meet etc. She said I am unlikely to ever have that massive spark and instant love that I had when I first met GOM and that it develops so I need to stop writing people off after a first date and give them a chance. So I took heed. I went out last Sunday with a Spanish guy. We got on ok and he seemed to be in to me. So I thought, why not, give it another go. He text me as soon as I got home telling me how much he liked me and hoped it could develop into something else. So we arranged to see each other again. Then he went from being in contact almost constantly to nothing for about 24 hours. Which yes, I get not hearing for a guy for a while is pretty normal, and I don't mind it. But for him it wasn't. So I kinda figured something was going on. Anyway, when we were talking about our next date he then told me his friend had unexpectedly arrived from Spain and he wouldn't be able to see me this week as he would be with his friend. So I reckon I was blown off there. But I wasn't too bothered. I didn't really feel much for him and wasn't really attracted to him. I just thought that we got on quite well, he was a nice guy that I would give it another go and maybe something would/could develop. So that one didn't work out.

I went out again last night. The guy told me he was 37. A bit old for me. But he seemed like a nice guy. So I went. He said he used to be in the police so I thought he would be quite head strong and a well rounded guy. He turned up and he looked more like 47 than 37. He said to me that people had told him he didn't look his age, obviously looking for me to say he looked younger. All I could say was no, you don't look your age at all. So yeah, I did kind of agree with him there, but not in the way he wanted. And, he noticed the scars on the top of my arms and said oh you have scars. My arms aren't too bad with the scars as I have never really self harmed badly there. I was wearing a vest and really wished I hadn't been. I just came up with some story how I had burnt them on my hair straighteners whilst curling my hair. He made me feel really uncomfortable about them. I just think it's quite rude to mention scars etc on a person. It's something I would never do. Maybe it's because mine have come about in such a socially unacceptable way that I am more conscious of them. Maybe for most people mentioning scars isn't too bad. I mean I suppose if there is no disturbed back ground to them I suppose most people wouldn't be bothered about them. Maybe it's just me who thinks it is rude to ask as I am more aware that some people are ashamed by them.

Anyway. I didn't really like this guy.

So today I had arranged to meet this other guy. My friend said he looked like a good looking version of Wayne Rooney. So that put a bit of a dampener on my feelings about it. I mean, can you really be a good looking version of Rooney. So all I had in my head was that I was going to meet Shrek. But when we met up, I quite liked him. He seemed normal and we seemed to be getting on ok. Or so I thought. We had a drink in a bar and then took a walk in to a city park as they had this music thing going off. So we brought some drinks from the shop and sat with a few drinks in the park. He said he was going to go to the loo. I had this horrible feeling. A few minutes later he text me and said he was sorry but he wasn't having a nice time and wasn't coming back. I was totally mortified. I did actually send a nice message back saying no worries, it was nice to meet him and to not worry about it (he apologised and said he knew it was spineless) as it was something I had done before so I couldn't really say anything. Well I have kind of done it. Not gone without saying anything, but made up some elaborate story about why I had to go. Never actually just disappeared. So I was quite hurt by it.

I text my friend after I made a joke saying that I hoped he would come back, she said not to worry, he's not you. So I text her back saying it seemed we were actually quite a like after all. She was quite surprised and said he was a knob and I should not get hung up on it. I moved to a quieter area of the park put my sunglasses on and actually started crying in the middle of the park. Luckily I wasn't near anyone and no one could see me. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. I am quite hurt by it. I don't think you can help but take it personally. I was as nice as anything, I didn't say anything that would cause offence and I was nice. So I can only put it down to was the fact that he found me unattractive. So yet again I feel shit about my weight, scars and feel horrible. So yeah, I did take it personally. And he was the first person I kind of liked and was attracted to. And then that. So yes, I feel really shit about it. Really shit. I just wanted a nice day in the sun, having a couple of drinks and to take my mind off what is happening tomorrow with this meeting at uni. But no. Now I just feel shit. Really shit. And it sent my self harm urges in to overdrive. But, I am not going to give in to them. I am not going to let one person be the reason I self harm. I never have done and I won't.

So now I have come home. I needed the loo so I had to come home. And now I am feeling really miserable and shit and sorry for myself. I want to drink. I want to get totally pissed. If it wasn't for this meeting at uni tomorrow I would do. I have my usual session with the psychologist at 9.30am and then the meeting with the psychologist and course director at 2. If it wasn't for that meeting at 2 I would have just got really pissed tonight and called and cancelled my psychology session tomorrow saying I was ill.

So I will have a couple more beers and that is it. No getting totally wrecked for me. Even though I feel totally shit about myself. Grrrrr.