Returning Thoughts

I have started to have quite intrusive thoughts again. I think it’s because I can sense I am losing control and there is nothing I can do regain control. The thing with uni is really bothering me. I still haven’t heard and I am feeling quite pessimistic about it. I don’t think they are going to let me go back. There is nothing else I want to do and cannot envisage being anything other than a Social Worker. All my progress that I have made has been with going back to uni in mind. I have put everything in to going back to uni. And, there is a deep feeling within me that if I am not allowed to then I will be making plans to end it all. The thoughts are already there which has been really disturbing and the need to self-harm has increased loads. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it as I feel I will have things taken away from me like the privileges I have. At the moment I have a decent amount of leave and can leave the ward, albeit escorted, when I want. I worry if I tell them how I really feel that these privileges will be taken away from me and then I will be forced to stay on the ward. Everyone thinks I am doing so well at the moment but I just feel so fragile and about to break at any time. I can see why the doc has said she wants uni sorted before she thinks about transferring me back to the acute ward as she thinks I will break down should the news not be good. I have not made any plans at the moment but the thoughts are there and they are quite strong. They are making me feel anxious and really on edge. I am trying to distract myself by reading which is working quite well but as soon as I stop they seap in again taking over. I plan how I can self-harm while I am here but I am struggling to see a way as I have someone on top of me if I move so it’s not as though I can get anything.

I have had access to my medical records which has made really interesting reading. Especially the notes from when I was on the PICU at Out Of City Hospital. In particular Fingers’ notes. First off they described me as being manipulative and trying to split staff which I never did. I am quite upset by that. I spoke to a member of staff here about it telling her what they had said and she said she had never seen that in me and nor had anyone else on this ward so to ignore what they said as I was not like that. I like the staff here so what they think is more important but I don’t like the idea it’s in my notes as a permanent record. Also Fingers’ account of what happened that night which led to me putting a complaint in against him. It’s so wrong. He has written about it as though there were two separate incidents that happened a week a part. And, he did not give any rationale as to why he locked me out my room all night, he did not mention that I was upset and it was aimed at him in particular, or that he pushed me over. But then if you did something that wasn’t approved you would probably fail to mention it. I told a member of staff here what had happened that night with Fingers and she was not surprised I kicked him in the balls. Funnily enough no one who I have told is surprised and they all think he deserved it. Even when I have said I shouldn’t have done it as it was technically assault they have said if I was treated the same way I would have done something similar. I can’t condone what I did and I am ashamed of myself for losing my temper that far that I ended up kicking out at him. But it does make me feel better to know I am supported.

In regards to the complaint that was made about him, they have still not resolved it. It was actually my Mum who put the complaint in on my behalf. She did have her own qualms about him also which were brought up in the complaint. But she has received a letter stating that they are still looking in to the complaint and are questioning the staff on the ward. I don’t know what will happen, but I hope that he won’t get away with his behaviour.

What I didn’t like about reading my notes was, again, particularly at Out of City Hospital was how they practically wrote all I had said all day and all the conversations with staff I had had. Every move I made was being monitored. The first place I was at, their notes are pretty accurate and they didn’t make assumptions of what I was feeling whereas OOC did. Maybe getting access to my notes wasn’t a good idea?

Another thing I have seen from them though was how ill I was when I swallowed the needle. I have the medical notes as well as the psych notes from that period and it states that they had to call the crash team twice as I stopped breathing (because of the morphine). I wasn’t aware of this at all. Well, not the seriousness of it. I thought I had just been asleep and when I woke up I had one of the blokes off the ward holding my hand (quite sweet really). At the time they just told me I needed a bit of oxygen. I was pretty out of it I suppose. I had been hallucinating also. Although I do remember that. I thought there were trolls(the kind you used to get free in cereal packets that went on your pencil) outside the window and that there were fireworks going off really slowly. I was convinced I had been moved to a different hospital and was having a kind of out of body experience. That’s pain and morphine for you. They wrote that I wanted to know detailed information of the operation and to see where they had operated as though it was unusual. It’s not is it? If you had a major operation you would wanna know what they did wouldn’t you? The way it was written was as though I had an unusual interest.

It’s interesting and upsetting reading other people’s perceptions of you.

One last thing I have learnt was how much information my Mum knows about the self-harm and how much of that has come from hospital staff! It’s pissed me off quite a bit really as what happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? She seems to know about everything I have done. She also has told them quite a bit, like she told the staff at OOC Hospital what happened when I stole the money, so what I thought was a massive disclosure that was really hard for me wasn’t as they probably already knew if they had read my notes! That’s another reason I don’t want to tell them how I am feeling at the moment as I know everything goes into my notes where other people can read about it. I want to talk about it but I don’t want to be written and have what I say misinterpreted. I have been pretty open with Gary the psychologist and I am seeing him tomorrow. I don’t know if I am going to be able to tell him. He is usually quite supportive. What I like about him, the same as I like about Sam is I can ask what they think and they give me their opinion. Not like normal counselling where you have to figure it out for yourself while being guided I can just ask them and I get an honest, practical answer. Not your usual "ummm, ahhh, I understand" crap. But, even still, it has to go in my notes. I suppose I could start with how I had had access to my notes and I was quite upset with what had been written as I feel as though people perceive me wrongly and what I say is misinterpreted. It’s made me really paranoid about what people are writing about me now. No wonder my female neighbour shouts abuse at me as she thinks I am broadcasting things about her over the internet!

Anyway, I made some cakes today and they were ace. Chocolate orange sponge and chocolate fudge icing. AMAZING, if I do say so myself. My best attempt at baking yet! Yum Yum!
Xxx

More Ramblings From The Psych Patient

It’s been just over a week since I wrote. I have a lot to say but feel as though I have to be careful as I may be silenced. More on that in a bit. And no, it’s not me being paranoid, there is method behind the madness (quite apt really).

My Nanna died. Last Sunday. I cried a little. Sounds awful but I am not massively upset about it. I am more upset over my lack of emotions than by the actual emotions themselves. I spoke to the psychologist about it and he said he thought perhaps I had grieved when she had stopped knowing who people were. I said I doubted it but listened to him anyway. The funeral is this Wednesday and I am nervous about that. I don’t know if the emotions will start flowing then. I am worried if that’s the case then I am going to struggle to get by with the grief as well as the other emotions I feel. I have a psychology appointment the day before and the day after the funeral so at least I have someone to talk to about it. As weird as it sounds I am also kind of looking forward to it. The reason being is I will get to spend some time at home around my own things and see my dog. The downside is that the leave is escorted by a member of staff. So that’s going to be awkward around my family. I am nervous about seeing my family. I last saw them in October after I had been discharged the first time. Now I am back in. I’ve said it before but being in hospital is something that embarrasses me so it’s going to be quite tough at the funeral. I think it will only be family at the funeral so it’s not like I have to deal with all friends and family. But, still, I am embarrassed by it all.

I’ve been given leave back. Yay. At first it just started with OT and family room but today I was given grounds leave. OK the hospital grounds basically consist of a car park but it means I can get off the ward when I want to which is good. And after the way things have been on the ward it’s really important to me that I can do that.

The ward I am on only has 2 female beds. These are cut off from the rest of the ward by a coded door. Usually it’s ok as it’s a nice retreat from all the noise but the past week or so it’s not been. The other female has been a nightmare. I remember her from when I worked on the wards and worked with her a few times. She doesn’t remember me but I certainly remember her. This past week or so she has been in a bit of a mess and she has been shouting and screaming abuse at anyone and everyone. I have not even had any communication with her at all in the past week or so yet at times I still manage to be on the receiving end of this abuse. How she knows I have a lap top and a blog is beyond me but she shouts things out at me about that. I think it’s the reason why the staff wanted to look at my blog to ensure I wasn’t writing about other patients and that it was anonymous. She has also made threats to come in to my room and smash up my lap top so I have been having to have the door locked when I leave. I know they shouldn’t but other staff have been telling me their thoughts and feelings about what has been going on and it’s not positive. From what I have seen she has been making demands about who is on her obs and who isn’t. It’s not for her to decide. Because of this there has been days where I have not had a female on my obs all day and night, which in turn means I don’t really have anyone to talk to as the blokes on the ward aren’t exactly easy to make conversation with. This has made me feel quite lonely, and also quite pissed off. It seems because I am quiet and don’t make demands I am not being noticed and I think they just think I am coping ok as I have not said anything, made demands or acted out. It has also meant that I have been stuck with the same member of staff for hours on end which is not good for me or them.

I feel bad for writing about it as she is obviously paranoid I am writing about her. But, it is anonymous so no one would have a clue who I was writing about, no one knows where in the country I am so no one could tell which hospital etc. I am at. I feel I need to get it off my chest though as it is something that has been bothering me quite a lot in the past week or so. It’s not something I can talk to staff about either as I don’t want them to think I am just wanting attention also. Or a bit pathetic. So because of this I have felt quite funny about writing on my blog for not wanting to upset her further when I haven’t even done anything in the first place. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

I have still not heard anything from uni. I saw the doctor on Friday and she said she wanted to deal with uni before they thought about transferring me to another ward because she felt if it wasn’t good news then I would still need to be on PICU. She also said I wouldn’t be going to another ward until a case conference was held again because of how I have been unable to cope on acute wards before. It does worry me that I won’t be able to cope on the acute side. It’s different over there. It’s more stressful, it’s noisy, and it’s not what I can cope with. OK, last time I was there I was suicidal so maybe it would be different now, maybe I could cope. I also saw Beth the CPN last week. Again, I felt like shit after she’d been and felt like bawling my eyes out. I really don’t find her that helpful. Actually, I don’t find her helpful at all. She kept going on about how ill I was now. I’m not. I can see that I was, but I am not now. Am I? I honestly don’t think I am. I don’t feel suicidal. Yes, I have thoughts on it, but not regularly, not planning and not as though I want to do it. The self-harm urges are dealt with and not acted on. I am not sure how much of it is because I can’t as of the level of obs I am on or because I am ok at dealing with them. But if I am truthful there hasn’t been that many. Even with all of what’s going through my head at the moment with waiting to hear from uni, family stuff (including my parents, I don’t know what’s going on in their weird relationship) and just generally being stuck in here for an extended period of time. I feel I am holding it together quite well.

The doctor said before I go home they want to know what the triggers are and learn how to cope with them. So tomorrow in psychology I am going to tell him this. Get straight to the point and say this is what I want to talk about. I don’t really know what the triggers are. I think it may be related to stress. But I am not certain. It’s something to talk about in psychology anyway.

That’s all for now.

Xxx

Changed

It’s been a couple of shitty weeks which is why I have not written in a while. My mood has been in the boots but it has lifted at last. I don’t know why as nothing has really changed in terms of what is going on. If anything things have got worse, but I am managing. Somehow.

I still haven’t got any leave off the ward, which is pants. It’s been 4 weeks now. I went through a stage of not talking to anyone and hiding out in my room watching films so I didn’t need to make pointless conversation with people. I was getting really irritated by people and just didn’t want to end up snapping so thought it best if I keep my depression to myself and let people escape me and not be subjected to my moods. It was noted though. The doctors brought it up that it had been noted and a couple of staff members did. One staff member even wrote me a letter saying she knew I didn’t want to talk but people were there for me should I feel the need I wanted to.

Five seasons of Scrubs later I feel a lot better. I love Scrubs. I managed to get through 5 seasons in 4 days. That’s a lot of Scrubs. One thing I noticed was the clocks. You would think they would use clocks that don’t have second hands. They have obviously set the time and taken the battery out as you can clearly see that the second hand does not go round.

So, my appointment with the Psychologist went ok. He has come up with this theory that I am punishing myself for stealing the money when I was 13 and I am still punishing myself now. I agreed with him, saying he probably had a point. He gave me a long list of activities I should do to try and make myself feel better. Most things I already do, like listening to music. But some things that I know I should do but don’t, like go for a walk, take a bath, treat yourself kindly like moisturising etc. So I said I would do what I could in here to try and self sooth as he called it.

My Nanna is really ill at the moment. The docs have only given her days left to live. She is 88, had dementia for the past 15 or so years and for the past 8 has not known who anyone is. She is my last remaining grandparent. She is also the one who I stole the money from. So this her being ill is bringing up memories from the past. It’s been quite tough. I don’t understand my moods. When I have got nothing to have a low mood about it’s in the boots and I have disturbing thoughts, when things should be low for me, like now, my mood has improved. It doesn’t seem to correlate to what is going on in my life. With my Nanna being ill though I am worried about what it will do to my Dad and Aunties and Uncle. And selfishly I am worried what it will do to my Dad as of the mood it will put him in. He’s on Citalopram now which has seemed to work wonders with his moods so maybe it won’t affect him like it would have done pre-citalopram. Or, I wonder if this whole new him is down to drugs, or if he is putting it on as he is making an effort with my Mum as he wants her back? Who knows?

The hospital have forced me in to contacting university. I was really pissed off at first and I didn’t want to. I was going to tell them eventually that I had been back in but I was going to do it in my own time once I was out of hospital and better. But they have made me contact them now. It took ages to get the courage to do it. But I did do it. I spent hours mulling over how to write an email to the course director. Then I sent it. I got an out of office reply until the 12 th March. I also emailed my personal tutor and she said she needed to discuss it with course director but my personal tutor is off the week after so nothing will be discussed until the 19 th at the earliest. Great! I explained to the psychologist I would rather not know and be in a state of limbo than have them say no, you can’t come back.

The hospital have also said they want to read my blog and have access to it. That was a flat no. They didn’t give me any reasons either. I am not sure if it’s because they are worried it’s not totally anonymous and I am talking about particular staff or what. But I have strongly refused them access. I can’t see what it would gain. This is so personal to me and there is stuff in here I would never tell people who know me. Most people who know me don’t even know that I do this. There is no way they are having access to it. No way in hell!

I thought I would have a lot more to say considering I have not written in a while but I find I am struggling for the words. So, I’ll leave it there.
Xxx