Musings!

The nurse I see at the organisation I go to for self harm said I should try writing in here more often as like a diary. It seems to be going ok. Although I am worried that I am making problems out of things that I didn't see as problems before. We talk about quite a lot of things and I will mention something that I don't seem to be that bothered by or don't think it's affecting me much and the way she reacts to it makes me think that it's not normal and it is a problem and then I analyse it and think it is a problem. Maybe they were to start off with and my way of dealing with things is not to see them as problems. Without actually saying what it is it's hard to explain. One example is how my mum tells me stuff about her relationship with my Dad that I just don't need to know. I don't want her confiding in me about things. Ok, it does bother me but I have never really put that much thought in to it. I mentioned something in the session and it seemed as though it was made in to a bigger thing.

I think it's me looking at things the wrong way. My way of dealing with things is not good and I overlook the importance of things so that I don't get weighed down with every thing. But obviously subconsciously I am, otherwise why would I be self harming? I do really like the person I see. I can see her helping quite a bit. She is not patronising at all and seems to understand where I am coming from. She doesn't just sit there in silence and not say anything. I am finding it hard and I feel so drained after a session. I get quite anxious about them also. It is making me realise some of the reasons why I self harm and why I feel like I do. A lot of it I had not really addressed before and didn't understand why I do what I do. The only thing I am concerned about is making bigger issues of what is already there. I seem to have quite a lot of issues with my family and I am quite concerned that if I understand these then I may resent them. But then at the same time I know I can't continue with the self harming etc. It's making me aware of all these issues and I am not sure if it is the right thing to be doing. I think I will have to bring it up with her next time I see her.

One of the issues that I haven't discussed with her yet (I'm going to have to give her a name as it feels rude to refer to people as she and her...so from now on it's Sam) is how a lot of the time my mum puts me down. Especially when comparing me to my eldest brother. It's little comments and they really hurt. We were talking about private schools the other day and she was saying how my eldest brother would have passed the exams to go to the school as he was intelligent etc and then she went on to say how I would have never had passed as I am not as intelligent. There is often little remarks and they just leave me feeling inferior and stupid. I know I am not as when looking at exam marks etc I did as well at GCSE, better in my A Levels, the same in my degree. I am really close to my eldest brother and I would class him as one of my best friends and so I try not to get upset about it but it's quite disenheartening when you are often told you can't do something or I wouldn't have been able to do something as I wasn't intelligent enough. I feel really bad for even writing it down as I have only ever thought it before yet writing it and actually thinking about it in some detail is making me quite upset. I feel as though I have stabbed my brother in the back somehow. Am I being self obsessed?

Speaking of being self obsessed, my mum and I had an argument last night. I had an assignment due in today and I asked my mum for help last night. She was pissed again. She was not supposed to be drinking until Easter. So her new years resolution lasted less than a week. I am quite worried about what the parents drink. About 3-4 times a week they drink at least 3 bottles of wine a night between them. It's not just what it does to their health but I can't stand being around them when they are pissed. My Dad just becomes annoying and tries to be funny. My Mum, well, she becomes aggressive, hostile and nasty. So last night I was pissed off at her as it was the 3rd night running where they had had a lot to drink. I was pissed off as the night before they were supposed to be looking after my nephew and ok I was in but what if I wasn't. When I have kids I am not letting them stay here if they are going to be drinking. I know they wait for him to go to bed, but still. It's not fair on him. What if he wakes up in the night and then they don't hear him as they are too drunk. I know his mum and dad drink while he is in the house but it's their choice to do that, they are his parents. And to be fair my sister-in-law doesn't drink that much anymore as she knows she has to get up in the morning with him. Anyway, I asked my mum for help with part of the assignment and it had only been an hour since I had been upstairs doing work and when I came down they had had 2 bottles of wine already. I made a comment about the amount they drink. She then laid in to me saying I was being self obsessed and that it wasn't a problem and then made the comment "well at least when we drink we don't do stupid stuff like you have done". Referring to the night they know about where I self harmed. How low can you get? I was really upset so came up to my room.

She comes storming up after me saying how I was being self obsessed and stupid for being upset. No apology and still no apology the next day. She just walked in to my room while I was trying to work and so I told her to piss off as I wasn't going to speak to her while she was pissed. So she leaves and does the same thing again saying I am out of order and having a go at me again. I ended up leaving the house and going to uni to finish my assignment. While i was there I got missed calls from her and a really horrible voicemail. I am still pissed off about it. I know in some respects she is right about it being self obsessed as part of the reason why I hate them drinking is because of what it does to their mood and attitudes. I wasn't pissed off because she was of no use helping me but because she was pissed again! So yes, selfish in some respects, but I am worried about how much they drink. It's stupid. I know I have problems with drink. But at least I can admit to it. And, since November when it all happened I have not drunk anywhere near as much. I have managed to calm down on it and stop drinking when I feel as though I have had enough. Am I still self harming, yes! So it proves that it is not the drink causing it. I have cut down a lot on what I drink and quite often go a week without drinking.

I am actually getting angry as I write this now.

Different subject...

So I had a trip to A+E today. I went for x-ray on my arm as of the needle in it. I didn't say I knew what it was as I don't want people at the hospital knowing it was self harm that went wrong/too far. Anyway, it's still hurting quite a bit so I was sent from my G.P for an X-ray. You can see it clearly on there. The X-ray department sent me down to A+E. I thought they would just send it back to my GP and he would decide where to go. I really didn't want to go to A+E as I know a lot of the staff now. In fact the nurse I saw first was one who I have seen a few times (as he said). He even said to me "I've seen you a few times haven't I"? I can only remember seeing him once but who knows. I am usually crap with faces but I remembered him as he is really cute! Anyway, the A+E staff said it needed to come out and they were going to do it there but it is too deep so am being referred back to my GP who will refer me to surgeons. I don't think he will though. Think he just wants to leave it. So I don't know what will happen there.

Had some marks back on work from uni also. I had a mark back on my first assignment. TBH I was quite disappointed. I spent hours and hours on the bloody thing. Have never put so much effort in to a piece of academic work. Turns out I only just passed it. So I was quite upset with that. I was given decent feedback so I knew where I had gone wrong and hopefully I can improve on my written work. I have also had a mark back for an exam I did. I was happy with that mark. I did quite well. The only thing I was let down about was my friends have done quite a bit better than me. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I want to be the best at things and so I get quite let down in myself when other people have done quite a bit better. But I have to keep remembering I have passed. Of course I want my friends to do well, it's just that I want to do better. I am very competitive see.

I have not taken my meds in a while. I am worried that I will sink again but I can't get on with these new ones. I know I shouldn't have been but I was taking the Mirtazapine at the same time as them and so I was sleeping well at night. However, I have now run out of them and only have the Duloxetine. If I take them in the morning the nausea is unbearable. So I have been taking them at night but then I can't sleep. I have been on them about 6 weeks now and the side effects should have subsided but they haven't. So I have stopped taking them. I will mention it to the GP when I go back in a few days. I don't want to go on those other ones the Psychiatrist said as I don't think they will work. Clinical studies have shown they are no better than a placebo. I know these ones have improved my mood but I can't sleep on them. It's driving me mad. I am so tired all the time. Grrrr!

I have an appointment tomorrow with I think a psychologist. It's one that I was referred to by that waste of time Psychiatrist. I don't know if I have it in me to open up to someone else. I am finding it really hard with Sam but I am getting there and I like her. Sam has said it can be counter productive to have two things on the go at once. I know I want to continue to see her as I know over time I will be able to trust her. So I have sort of written this off before they have even offered me anything. I have the appointment tomorrow morning, I will be honest with her and tell her how I am feeling and see what she suggests. If she suggests a group then I will just laugh at her. I don't do groups!

I start back at uni tomorrow also. I am quite looking forward to it. I need to take my mind off things and need a focus elsewhere. The past few days all I can think of is Gom moving spaz features in. It's my house. I chose it with Gom when he brought it, it's my cat that lives there. He was brought for me. I want the cat back. The parents don't like cats though and we have a dog so there is no way we can have him here. And I want to avoid contact with Gom as much as I can. I have not seen him in over 9 months now. Yet it's still tearing me a part.

Ok, realised this blog had kinda ripped one of my new years resolutions of being more positive. But everyone needs a moan every now and again, and I have not blogged in nearly 2 weeks.

I'll try and be more positive in the next one!

xxx