Just a quick one.

Just a quick one for now but I wanted to talk about my self harm on Saturday night. I don't know who I am doing this for, for myself or what. I don't know but sometimes it helps to get things off my chest by just getting everything down like this and helps me become more aware of my thoughts.

So Saturday night I self harmed. Really, really badly. The worst I have done before. I knew I needed stitches, and there was loads of blood. I decided I was going to walk to the hospital. I vaugely remember stumbling across someone on the way and they decided they were going to call an ambulance. I remember getting in the ambulance but the rest is a bit of a blur. I was told by the nurse (on the ward) that I collapsed when I was in the ambulance and was taken in to the resus area of the hospital. In that time they cut my clothes off, and had me wired up to loads of machines with oxygen. My heart rate was going really fast apparantly and my BP was low...lower than the heart rate. I am not sure what it means but I vaugely remember being told when I was at work before that this was not a good sign. I had drank quite a bit. I know I planned on getting hammered on Saturday and planned on self harming so there was no way I was going to be talked out of it by anyone. I didn't even take the Lorazepam I was prescribed. I was very determined that I was going to that night. The thing is I didn't realise quite how far I had taken it. I came round about 3 hours later in the resus area of A+E and was told that I needed stitches...well that is why I was on my way there. I was on some drip as the acid levels in my blood were high and I was still tachy.

I was taken up to a ward about 6 hours after being taken in to hospital, not before I witnessed a young girl of 20 die. She was murdered. I must say it kinda made me re-evaluate things. It made me realise that life it worth living, just that it is only self harm and not suicide attempts. I think this is what pulled me out of the cycle of suicidalness last time I was there. I remember being in for a paracetamol od and was on a ward and the person in the bed next to me died. She was an elderly lady but still. Being that close to death kinda freaked me out even though she died of natural causes.

It took over an hour to suture the wound. It's massive. I was told I was being kept in for observation on medical ward as of my heart rate and blood levels. They thought I had taken something. In all honesty I don't know if I did. I have empty blister packets but I can't remember taking them.

I was seen that day by the nurse guy from psych medicine. Before I really did not want to see him. My previous contact had not filled me with hope and really didn't see that he could do much and just thought I was wasting my time and had the feeling that all he saw was the diagnosis I was given previously. I thought with it being a Sunday that it wouldn't be him I saw, and when I saw him walking down the ward towards me my heart sank. But this time he seemed to listen to me. Seemed to understand my concerns. I am still not convinced by his theory of why I have started to self harm again. He thinks I am scared of failing and I am self sabataging by doing this. Just because it coincides with the start of a course I am doing.

I don't know, maybe he is right in some of the things he is saying. I know he is trying to use scare tactics in to making me stop...saying I may lose a leg or I may end up accidentally killing myself. When he is telling me this I am thinking well I don't want that to happen. But at the same time I know what he is doing. Using these scare tactics to try and make me stop. OK, thinking about it rationally now I think well I don't want that to happen but when i want to self harm nothing will stop me. I don't care about that.

A major bone of contension with me is the diagnosis they keep trying to pin on me. I really don't agree with it. I don't fit in to the major categories of it and it really annoys me. I have worked with people with the same diagnosis and I am not like them. Also, because of the work I have done I know of the stigma that comes attached to that diagnosis. It is the one no one has any time for as they feel it is untreatable. It's something within the person themselves and they are not mentally ill.

I know I am depressed again. The "smell" has returned. I know it sounds weird, but I know when I am bad because I get these smell hallucinations. It's always the same smell that no one else can get. I am also getting super paranoid. I know my way of dealing with these low feelings needs to be addressed and that it is psychological and is not a mental illness. And, I know that I need help. But I also have to be warey of the help I get as it could affect my future career. I don't want to become involved with the "services" as more than likely if I get the career I want I will end up working in those particular services....the irony is I chose this career as of a guy I used to see who helped me loads.

I've not actually discussed this sensory hallucination with anyone before. I know that it's not real even though I can smell it as no one else can. Another thing nurse man said is if things carry on the way they are I will end up being admitted on to a psych ward. He said he knew it wasn't what I needed at the moment and he will help me get in contact with these people who can go through things with me that isn't part of the NHS and will be a great help. So, I am waiting for him to call me back so he can tell me how he has got on with getting in contact.

How do I feel at the moment....

Well.... I want to self harm. I want to cut. OK, my leg really hurts from where I cut it and at the moment I have got over 50stitches in me. But that feeling of the flesh ripping...well it's better than anything I have experienced. I know I need to have that changed. I was really temped earlier. I was dressing my wound and I was cutting open stuff and I half prodded an old wound. It didn't hurt. I knew I was releasing the pain endorphins already but I managed to pull back before things got too bad. Just stuck a steri-strip over it to re-close it.

My theory on why I am feeling depressed again is because of the hormones in my body. I have been researching the links between polycystic ovarian syndrome and depression and there seems to be a big correlation. I am hoping when I see my GP on Wednesday that I can get the combined pill to regulate things and also I am going to suggest another anti-depressant. With patients sometimes we use 2 different ones at the same time. I am going to suggest that to him also and see if that helps. At the moment I am just so scared that things will get worse and I know the pattern last time was going from self harming to being suicidal and making attempts so I want to feel better before it gets there and that is why I am so scared!