How Things Change

Married that Guy. And 3rd kid on the way...just found out today!!! Eek. I am not without my problems, but I am handling them. I have to. I have 2 kids. No medication now in a few months either. Still under services, I think because of being pregnant and babies etc...but not sure why I need them now.

I am debating whether to delete this blog or not. It's my story, but, I suppose I am ashamed of it. I have found my reason for living and making the most of it in my kids and dog. I am working my ass off. It's not easy... but I am just shocked reading a few extracts at how things were.

Where Am I Now?

Wow, it's been a while. I think I was in hospital last time I wrote. That's quite a while a go.

So....I've met someone. I did a few weeks ago. He's amazing. I would go as far as saying he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He really is. He gets me. He can read me like a book. And, I love him to pieces. I want to marry him and have his children. Lol.

But...I can't get past the fact that sooner or later he will leave me. He will get sick of me. Sick of my low moods and just go. I am too much for him. This is too much for him. I have voiced this to him and he said that he wont. How crazy is that...we have been together 8 weeks, if that and I am telling him that. I have cried on him about how scared I am that he will leave me.

He's asleep in my bed at the moment. We haven't had a night a part in 4 weeks now. We have moved really quire fast, but, I think I am letting him lead it. I think he is the one who is dictating how fast things are going. I think so. Or, he likes me a little and is scared I am going to kill myself and won't leave me alone and it is pity. I am worried about that. I think I have even said that to him too. He knows about my past. He knows about hospital. He knows I have tried to kill myself...he figured that out for himself. I am not sure if I am ready for a relationship. I don't think I was. Then he came a long and I fell head over heels. I don't want to lose him. He says it is now us, not me. That we are a we, that I am not alone. But how do I trust that? He says he will be there, I cry on his shoulder, I hope he is as he says he is...but....there is part of me that is expecting it to all fall a part.

We are so similar to each other. But at the same time so different. He is in touch with his emotions....not like the last guy at all. Because of that, I am so scared of hurting him. And, I am so scared of being hurt, I have opened myself up to him more than I have ever have. He knows more about me than some of my friends, And in such a short space of time. I am scared that he is putting on an act. That he doesn't really feel as though he says he does. That it is all just a ploy to get in to my pants. That somehow, it is just a joke. He can't be real. He is practically perfect for me. So, it can't be real....can it??????

If it is real, if I have met that guy who understands me, that wants to be with me...then surely, I am going to fuck it up somehow. I will hurt him one too many times and he will say that enough is enough and he will walk away. I feel so fragile.

My mood has been low a while....fuck that...I am depressed again and I have been for a while. The same thoughts are returning. The same feelings. I feel like I am walking a tightrope again. I am hanging on by my finger tips. I have tried to hide it from him, I have tried to put on a front....but I can't. He really does pick up on everything. He knows my body language and just knows when something is bothering me. He knows when I play with my lip piercing that something is going through my head. And he wants me to talk about it. So, I open up and start crying on him as he won't drop it. But he is open with me too. He tells me how he is feeling. I don't need to interpret his body language or read in to what he says as he just tells me. It is so refreshing being with someone like that.

I really do think that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So, what happens when I screw it all up. What happens when he turns away and says enough is enough, I can't be doing with you. I don't love you anymore. I don't find you attractive. I can't be doing with your MH problems. What happens?????? I don't deserve him. He is far too good for me. It's going to happen. So what do I do. I'm pretty attached to him. Do I push him away now? Do I tell him to go? He told me yesterday to live life for the day. To not think badly of the future. But, he doesn't get that is what I do. My psychologist even said we need to get something in place for if it all goes tits up with him. I am obviously not capable of holding on to someone decent. The last guy wasn't right for me and I was constantly second guessing. But, we ended and look where I ended up after that. OK, I know things were going wrong for a while, and I had stopped my meds and hadn't told anyone. But what happens when things fall a part with this perfect guy. Surely no one is perfect. Is there such thing as The One. Because I do think that he could be. I don't know if I felt this about my last two relationships. I don't think I did. Not this intense, not so quickly.

With my low mood and this....I am not doing too well. No SH, no attempts. But, the thoughts are there. Not SH, but the thoughts of doing something that would be permanant are there. There are a couple of parts of me. There is the loved up part. The totally in love don't want to be away from him. But there is that second part that keeps telling me that it's all going to go to shit. It's not real. So, why don't you just go and take every medication you have in your stash and just get on with it. I don't deserve him. He hasn't done anything awful to deserve me. Put us both out of our misery.

I suppose a bigger part of me is hanging on to the good stuff. I want to believe that there is someone who will love me like he does. That he is being truthful. That he really does love me as he says he does. All I have is that and I suppose that is all I have to keep going. I have to believe that what he says is true. Someone can love me. Someone can love me for who I am. For my faults. And, even though I can't see them, that he can see my benefits. That he can love me. That he wants to be with me. I really am hoping that that is the truth in this...that he is perfect for me. That he is as perfect as he seems. Because, I love him so fucking much. Love isn't a big enough word to describe how I feel about him. It's bigger than that. It's scary.

Reblog - Guns

I wrote this post around 3 years ago. I thought with the recent happens in current affairs, I thought I would repost this and see if we can have a sensible debate. My position on guns is quite clear in the post: I hate them

Guns.

Here's some debate that got me thinking tonight. I'll just copy and paste what has been said, tidy it up a bit and add a bit more at the bottom.

I have been debating with someone from the US this evening about discrimination. This is her post:

 “According to MSNBC, 88% of Americans believe in mental health background checks before gun purchases. That's right, 88% of Americans believe that people with a mental illness are not equal to everyone else and don't have a right to protect themselves. Right now MSNBC is discussing rapists, murderers and the mentally ill. Please tell me that isn't an accurate statistic and Americans don't really think of mental illness this way”? 


So I have basically replied these:

 Me - “I can see their point in a way. One of the things some people have problems with if they have a MH problem is impulsivity. You have also got to consider if they are depressed, have voices telling them to harm people etc. So yeah, I can see that. But then. I am British and I don't like guns and don't think that people should be able to carry them around. Yes, you have a right to protect your self but if no one was allowed a gun you wouldn't need a gun to do so.”

Her – “I disagree, that is like saying making drugs illegal would take them off the street. What would actually happen is only criminals would have guns and law abiding citizens would not.”

Me – “You don't get the same problems here in the UK with guns as you do in the states. Think that says a lot. Also, look at Oscar Pistorius and what happened there.”

Her – “The purpose the of the second amendment is to give people the power to overthrow the government if it becomes tyrannical.”

Someone else – “I'm a 25 year old women who lives on a back road in Kentucky with no neighbours and a three year old. And my husband works night six days a week! So yes I believe people should be able own and carry a weapon! If someone decided to break into my home an adult male would have no trouble harming a small women as myself even if he didn't have a gun. And could be gone before the police could get there to help.”

Me – “We manage ok here without guns. Copied from WiKi, Levels of gun violence vary greatly across the world, with very high rates in Brazil, Venezuela, Mexico, South Africa, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Jamaica, as well as high levels in Russia, The Philippines, Thailand, and some other underdeveloped countries, Levels of gun violence are low in Singapore, Japan, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and many other countries.[8] The United States has the highest rate of gun related injuries among developed countries, though it also has the highest rate of gun ownership and the highest rate of officers.[ Some research shows an association between household firearm ownership and gun suicide rates.[10][11] For example, it was found that individuals in a firearm owning home are close to five times more likely to commit suicide than those individuals who do not own firearms. In the United States, where suicides outnumber homicides 2:1,[16] firearms remain the most common method of suicide, accounting for 52.1% of all suicides committed during 2005.
 
Uk - 6.6% of Homicides gun related. USA - 67.5%. UK homicide rate per 100,000 = 1.06. USA=4.7

 Just think when there are stats like that, precautions have to be taken. Not just anyone should be able to be handed a gun. They should be taking mental health in to consideration when considering if a licence is given or not. I wouldn't like to think that someone like me who has had numerous failed suicide attempts behind me could apply for a gun licence and be given it. Of course run a criminal record check but that's not going to show any thing on me. Some people shouldn't be able to have a gun and it's as simple as that. So yes, it is discrimination, but I personally feel that it is discrimination that should be allowed.

So that's it.

Personally I don't like guns. They make me feel really uncomfortable. Even just walking past armed police at places like airports freaks me out. When I was in India I refused to sit with a group a police men until they put their guns under the chairs where I couldn't see them (I had just been caught smoking on a train by the doors and was terrified). I don't see what good can come of owning a gun. These American's are saying they have a right to protect themselves. But do you really need a gun to do that. Do they actually know how to use it, to shoot not to kill but to disarm/disable until professional help arrives. Another scenario, someone breaks in to your house. They don't realise you are in, you stumble on them and shoot them. This person, yes, they deserve to go to prison and be punished but isn't it likely if you shoot them they will die. People are more likely to fatally injure someone if they shoot them. So this person who could maybe be rehabilitated is dead. A much more severe punishment than if you actually murdered someone! A life taken.

We don't have guns readily available in the UK. If someone has one, well they shouldn't. Only the police and military should have them (I think anyway). My friends brother is a police officer in Northern Ireland and I was surprised that they are all armed and they always have to carry it with them unless they are consuming alcohol. It really surprised me. I wouldn't like the responsibility of owning or carrying a gun. I could never bring myself to fire it at someone. Not in a calm way anyway. If I lost my temper than I lose it and see red. So, who knows what I would be like in a stressful situation. But then, I don't really have to think about that, and that is kind of coming off subject a little.

I have also worked in mental health and have spoke to and read about many patients with different illnesses that can manifest in different ways. Some can hear voices telling them to do harm to other people. Then also, if you look at someone like me. I have numerous failed suicide attempts behind me and I have also been known to make some of these on impulse and also other risky behaviours on impulse. I know I am not alone here. I would hate to think that I, and anyone else like me could go and get a gun without checks on my/our mental health being made.

I feel I am lucky to live in a country where guns are not the norm and where they are so readily available. I do feel that only certain people should have access to them. We are advised that if we are threatened by an intruder not to fight but to remain calm and give them what they want. After all what is more important than your life.

What we do have a problem with here in the UK is knife crime. Mainly gangs (I think, don't quote me on that). Again young people are told if they carry a knife they themselves are more likely to be injured by a knife also. Surly this applies to guns?

So what do you think??

Comments from original post...

5 comments:

welfarechic.com said...

if you don't mind, I'd like to post this in my blog. I'm not sure what this writer's (the writer of the comment) frame of reference is for mental illness. Let me explain mine: I have bipolar disorder, ptsd, agoraphobia, bulimia, and I self injure. In my family, I had 2 cousins who had bipolar. They both went off their meds and quickly after that they committed suicide. My brother is dx unipolar, although that dx is out of date. So I think I have a fairly educated opinion. And my opinion is that there should be stricter background checks for people with mental illness. Without question, there MUST be more controls over how the mentally ill get access to weapons. The majority of shooting we see on television, like the VA Tech shooting, the Columbine shooting, and the recent shooting in Newtown, were committed by people with mental illness, including depression. These are facts-you cannot dispute them. I do have personal knowledge of this mindset. When my brother was first diagnosed, he told me that before he got help, he wanted to climb to the top of a bell tower with a shotgun, and just start shooting. My brother is and always has been a nonviolent person. But he told me he wanted to do this so that someone would see how much he was hurting. I know he was not a madman per se. He was and is simply a person with mental illness who needs ongoing treatment.

6 minutes ago · Like..











Welfare Chic so I do believe there should be more restrictions on gun purchasing for everyone-but much more so for the mentally ill. I don't want to be allowed to buy a gun, and I don't want anyone else with mental illness to be able to buy a gun. We have to protect ourselves-even if that means protecting ourselves FROM ourselves!

3 minutes ago · Like

23 March 2013 at 16:06 

Golden Psych said...

THANK YOU!!!!!!! At last someone who agrees with me. Of course you can re post. x

23 March 2013 at 18:56 

David said...

If your looking for figures relating to guns - deaths, laws etc. look at www.gunpolicy.org

As an example I compared US, UK and Australian figures for deaths per 100,000.
http://www.gunpolicy.org/firearms/compare/10/rate_of_all_gun_deaths_per_100_000_people/192,194

This site allows comparison of all sorts of figures and laws.

Personally, from an Australian view, US gun laws including the 2nd Amendment are absolutely ridiculous. And if you claim the 2nd Amendmend - to fight a tyrannical government, it suggests paranoia and/or a complete lack of faint in your democratic system. Any claim that associates the 2nd Amendment with the US Civil War can be easily nullified - the UK has had civil wars but still has a lower deaths per 100,000 than Australia, and we haven't had a civil war but we were established as a penal colony. The Poms even loaded us up with convicts from the very start.
Yes, Aust does have tight gun laws, licenses checks relate to need (reason for possession), criminal checks, domestic violence, mental health, third person reference, training (use and safety) and possibly others.
One topic that appears to be missed in the US gun debate is the significant increased risk of suicide/homicide induced by psychotropic medication, particularly on commencement, dosage change and discontinuation. Depending on the medication and patient age, the risk can be up to 10 to 14 times.
Also please note that mental health patients are up to 4 times more likely to be victims of violence.

A civil society doesn't need guns for the sake of having a gun. Is the US really a civil society if you have a need to own a gun of any kind, particually for self defense.

And please stay safe GS and all.

23 March 2013 at 21:10 

Sam Sam Sam said...

A lot of people (especially Americans in my honest experience) have no concept of what tyranny actually is. The government doesn't randomly come into power and think "right, lets oppress our people!" and suddenly everything becomes dystopian. For tyranny to occur a large portion of the population has to either enable or support it, which is exactly what happened in Nazi Germany and what happens in some African/Asian states. If a large majority of people enable tyranny, then so do the security services and other public bodies, meaning the police and military.

The U.S. military is one of the largest and is the best equipt and funded (per GDP) military force in the world. They have enough nuclear weapons and other technology to absolutely level most other countries; in a tyranny, this military would have absolutely no problem levelling it's own citizens either. Yes there are around 60m gun owners, but most of them in this scenario would be enabling the tyranny, out of the rest, very few of them would have the training or fitness (physical or mental) to take on the likes of the U.S. Army, Marine Corps, FBI, SWAT, and whatever else.

You have to remember the Second Amendment was written in the 18th century, when the most advanced weapons were muskets and cannons, nowadays war has evolved too much since then and nowadays we have nukes, drones, computerised weapons, rocket launchers, fully automatic weapons and so on which no American civilians are allowed to possess.

So the anti-tyranny argument is completely null and pure fantasy.

But to be honest, it is too late to ban guns in America, the problem is there are too many guns there. They have 50% of the worlds guns, so when Americans say banning guns will enable only criminals to have them, they are right and there are a lot of armed burglaries.

In the USA's case, smart gun control is the answer, people with violent criminal records and histories of mental illness should not be allowed guns, people reside with someone who has mental illness should not be allowed to own firearms (in the case of Adam Lanza), the local authorities should keep a close eye on people who own guns and it should be made law for them to be alerted to any change in circumstances such as criminal record, diagnosis of mental illness, divorces, and so on. A license should always be required and should be renewed every 5-10 years, and to get a licence obviously one must prove they are 1) fit and 2) qualified to use a gun (i.e. know how to put the safety features on, etc etc).

Most of all. America needs to get rid of the mentality that guns are a vital human right, and they should consider the ownership of a gun to be a privilege, much like having a car. They should greatly work on reducing the number of illegal firearms and firearms that are in criminals/mentally ill peoples hands. Until then America will continue to suffer from high rates of gun crime and regular massacres such as Columbine, Sandy Hook, Virgina Tech, etc etc etc.

No one is saying that gun control means no guns for those who need them or have a gun-related hobby, and no one is saying that gun crime will completely go away and America would become a utopia. But it's stupid to deny that good gun control would vastly reduce the number of gun crimes and suicides.

25 March 2013 at 02:59 

Not Going In

I had another doctor come with the social worker and they didn't think it would be beneficial to go. They said they're going to take a therapeutic risk and leave me at home.  The medical recommendations still stand. So if they want they can haul me in at any point over the next 14 days.

Back on a Section

I was released. I was told to leave the ward last week. I've not even been off the ward a week and I'm back on a section.
Being sent out of area. I'm scared. It's a secure place. Hopefully it's temporary.

Disconnected.

I feel disconnected from the world. I feel like I am living in a dream and that things aren't really happening. That at some point I am going to wake up in my own bed. I feel like I am here but the world is passing me by and things are happening around me and I have no control over it. I am just standing there watching everything happen, but I am not a part of it.

I don't feel like a whole person.I am very disjointed. Things are all over the place.

Maybe things will click back in to place after xmas. I really don't like Xmas and dread it each year. That is quite clear in my previous blog posts. I thought I had a review today with the doc, but she is on annual leave. I am quite happy I didn't though. I don't really have much to say to her.

Still in Hospital

Yup, I'm still here. I am now informal though. However, I am being referred to somewhere longer term. I am hoping that things click in to place before then. I know if I am at home I will end up acting on the feelings that I have. I can't manage them. I don't know why things haven't clicked in to place by now. Things usually do. I have been here about 9-10 weeks now. It's a long admission.

I attempted to go in the river again last Friday. I was a bit of a mess. There was something in me that said it's not the best idea and I need to speak to someone. So, I called the ward. I told them I was struggling. I couldn't hear a word that was being said so I hung up the phone. Next thing I know 2 police officers appear. I tried to jump then but they grabbed me. I tried to fight them but that didn't work. I ended up in the ED as I had taken some pills too, Most of the time was spent trying to get away. I don't know what was going through my head. At one point I have 4 people restraining me yet I still tried to fight them off.

Currently, there is a small part of me that thinks I shouldn't end my life. I am trying to focus on that, but, the longer it goes on, the more set I am on the idea that I should and it seems as though it is the right thing to do.

I have deferred from college. I tried to go back. But I couldn't do it. It was a horrendous experience. I was practically ignored from people in my class. And, I couldn't do the work. I had really struggled to make the decision on whether or not to go back. I wasn't going to. Then I went to see my tutor and he made me feel a lot better about it. So, I gave it a go. I did 2 days and I was a mess. What gets me though is, I really struggled with the decision. I didn't know whether or not \I should go back. Everyone at the hospital was telling me I should and it would be good for me. Then, when I tried and decided to defer people turned around and told me that I had made the right decision. I spoke to G about it the day or so after and he said I had made the right decision. When I asked him why he didn't tell me that to start with he said he thought it best I make my own decision and try it. That if I hadn't, I may have been left wondering about it and regretted my decision that I didn't try. Annoyed me a bit. Wish he had just said to start that he thought I should defer...he's usually right in what he says. I don't think I have ever proved him wrong on anything... that's annoying to admit.

It worries me that I may end up somewhere long term. That I will be locked up. If I am sent somewhere else I will lose G and all the team I have around me. I have a good relationship with G, I trust him and he is useful. I don't want to start from the beginning all over again. I don't want to go over all those things that I found so hard to discuss with him. I worry that if I am somewhere like that, that starting from all that will put me in a bad way and will lengthen the time I have to spend there. I am informal at the moment though. I am not sure anywhere will take me because of that. I know that the referral hasn't actually been made yet. I am wondering if they know this too. Maybe, if I can just get Xmas and New Year out of the way, then things will click in after that. That's the thing...I don't know, I get what they are saying. That we don't know. They can't keep saying ok ok... two more weeks. Because, how long is that going to go on for? They need to have a plan. I think there is only 2-3 other people on a ward of 14 who have been here longer than me. That's not good.

I am scared too. I am scared of both ways in which this will go. I know I can't manage at home. Being here is a respite from fighting/coping/not acting on thoughts. I can't just walk out and go take a huge OD, or go to the river. It is stopping the impulsiveness in me. And that's good I suppose...well the bit of me that is more positive. But, at the same time, I really don't want to go anywhere. I will lose everything. I have a flat, I have stuff. I will lose all that. I suppose I will if I am dead, but then I won't know anything about it. So what can I do?

I am trying to get on with life and do things that I enjoy. I have my bike here so I can go out on that, I am going hiking, I am doing photography stuff. I am trying to do those normal things which I enjoy, but, nothing is working. I am sick and tired of it all. I can't keep trying and not getting anywhere. I asked what else I can do, and the staff say there isn't really anything and I just need to keep going with what I am doing. But that isn't working. I have had enough!!!!

Oh fuck

So... It's a long story. A long fucking story. I've been in hospital for around 8weeks. They're contemplating sending me to a long term place again. I'm not sure what to say. I have told them that I'm not good. That I can't manage on my own. I can't do it. All I can do is be honest. So does that mean I'm going to locked rehab? Maybe it does. Especially after tonight. I really fucked up. Big time. I am not sure what to do with myself.

Not Discharged

Today was planned discharge date. Not surprised that I haven't been though. After the OD last week and last night cutting really bad and swallowing stuff. I refused to go to hospital at first but they said they would get the police involved and make me go if I didn't. I had them sort out my leg but I wouldn't let them x-ray me. My reason for that was because I had swallowed loads of stuff. I had told them it was only one bit. I knew if they saw the x-ray they would want to keep me in and I didn't want to stay in. I hate that place. It makes me so anxious being there.

The cuts were quite bad and they couldn't give me enough local anaesthetic, so they gave me gas too. That's great stuff. I was proper out of it. It was like I was really pissed and I was hallucinating. But, it did really hurt.

So the plan. If I am better in 2 weeks, discharge. If not...discharge or...referral to low secure place. I don't quite understand. They are polar opposites of each other. I will have some time with my key worker tomorrow and ask her their reasoning behind this. I really don't understand.

I really feel as though I have lost control at the moment. I don't know which way things are going. I am feeling suicidal, and I have plans and methods lined up. I can see that things can be better than they are now, but, I can also see that things will be where they are now again and again. This isn't a blip as some would say. I am so confused as to what is going on. I really don't feel as though I have any control over where things are going. The urges to run are huge. I want to go to the river. I want to drink myself in to oblivion and then jump in the river and die. I want to drink the antifreeze I have at home. I want to wait for the order of Amitriptyline to arrive and take those. I have a few plans. Another idea I have is getting hold of some fast acting insulin and causing a hypo. That would be painless and quick.

I want to die. But, I also have to think about college. I am supposed to be going back next week. I don't want to. After everything that has been said to me by one of the girls in the group, I feel I am going to be really up against it from the class. That they feel that it's unfair that I have been able to have the time off and they have had stress and they haven't. She basically  told me the class are pissed off that I am coming back. That's nice. So, basically I won't have any support. I am telling myself that I don't want to go back. I have done a pros and cons list about going back and there appears to be more cons about it. But, the staff here think I should be going back. I am wondering if they know best. Or do I? I don't know if I can cope from the pressure of the course. The pressure I put myself under. And this could cummilate in me doing something and ending up back in here. Or worse....PICU where fingers is. I don't know if I know best, or if they do. They want me to go back to college next week and come back here after. This will be the first week at college. They think it would be beneficial for me to have the support. But, that's all well and good, but what happens when I'm not here and I don't have the support of staff. You could say that I put myself under too much pressure, that I have set my standards too high and that I need to relax a bit over it. But, that's not going to happen

The reasons I think I should go back...are because of other people. That they have expectations of me. That, some people think I am taking the piss by being ill and I need to just suck it up and get on with it. I suppose really, they aren't great friends. But, having them is better than having no friends at all. They are fun to go drinking with etc. But, when it comes to this....they are useless. I thought one of my friends was in America until Wednesday. I whatsapped her today about something asking what time she got back Wednesday and she said she got back on Saturday. She didn't think to text me to see how I was or what is going on with me. None of them know I am still in hospital because they haven't asked. No one has once asked how I am. Sounds stupid, but this really made me cry. I am over emotional at the moment. Today I am tired (I was up all night at hospital and then couldn't sleep), I am in pain because of my leg, and I am on my period. On top of that the same shit running through my head at full on speed.

Do I feel safer in hospital? Do I want to be here? I suppose on some level, I must do. Or I wouldn't have been honest and told them that as soon as I get out I am going through with my plans and that if they took me off the section I wouldn't stay. I could have lied and said I knew I was stupid self harming. I knew I was stupid ODing, that the feelings are still there and I am trying to work through them. But, I didn't. I knew if I told the truth they would keep me. Although, before I went in to review they had a meeting with G (my CPN and community doc were supposed to be there too but weren't my CPN pissed me off as she has cancelled the last two appointments with me...not giving me a good impression of her really) and I asked a nurse who was also in that meeting what was said in it and she said they had pretty much decided I would be in for two more weeks. So, maybe what I said had no bearing at all. They had already made up their minds. Don't know why she bothered asking me the questions really.

I really need a cuddle. Wow, just writing that has made me tear up and start crying. What the fuck is going on. I think they need to introduce pet therapy on to the wards. I need a cuddle with my dog. I find it really therapeutic snuggling her. And that's another worry...she's really old and not doing well at all. She hasn't got long left in her now. I've had her longer than I've not had her. She is great at reading your mood and knows when you want snuggles and she lets me play with her ears...I think she likes it too. She's not that affectionate with anyone else but she is with me.

I've been here before: Where long term secure has been an option. It terrifies me. But, there's something weird in me that wants to push them see how far they are willing to go. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am not getting enough from what I am getting. Maybe it would validate how I feel and make others see just how serious it is and it is something that I can't just suck up. There is something in me that wants to have someone completely take over. If I didn't have my own flat, then, I would probably push it. I feel as though I need to have someone else have control as I can't control it. But, I think their thinking is at the moment I need to try and regain some control and that's why I should be given leave etc. That I should go back to college. I feel so detached from everything. Even after last night...I want to SH again. I want to do something. Even with the threat of low secure hanging over me....I want to do a runner to the river. I want to drink in to oblivion and jump in.

I really really don't know what to do. My head is a mess. It's all fucked up. But, I getting a bit of a high off the tramadol. My leg is so painful. And there are very few painkillers I can take without getting sick, even though this is probably over kill, I can't take anything codeine based, or diclofenac, and I had a reaction to nefapam last week. The only one I haven't is tramadol, which is weird considering how much stronger it is.

I asked one of the girls on the ward if she smoked weed...I knew she had done other drugs. I've asked to to give the phone number of one of her contacts so I can get some weed. I think it may actually help at the moment.

I am beginning to waffle now. I didn't think I had so much to write about.

Quick Update

Still in hospital under a section 3.

I am doubtful that I will be discharged Monday as was the plan. I did a runner and took an OD. Ended up coming round in resus with a nurse from the ward with me. I can't remember much. But, my plan was to take the meds and get to the river. The meds kicked in before I made it to the river. I passed out in the street somewhere near the river...so close but so far. I had been pouching some of my meds and I used those to take an OD. I didn't think that they would do much on their own other than make me sleepy. I didn't expect it to give me heart and bp problems. My keyworker asked me where I got the meds from and I was honest with her. She has it in her head that I don't think I deserve the meds. She is blaming me not taking those meds properly in 3 weeks on how I am feeling now. I don't know why she thinks I think I don't deserve them. I don't think that way. I was pouching them as I was planning on doing what I did. I knew the effect (well thought I knew) of what they did.I didn't expect them to work so quickly and make me pass out. Maybe having them with alcohol increased the effect of them.

My keyworker is nice. I have a band 6 nurse as mine, which is useful as she has a lot of say in how things go on the ward. So, if I raise something with her she can react to it and get it done because she is all their boss. She's nice, but, she has those "oh poor you" eyes and talks like ahhhh awwww awwww poor you....but without actually saying that. Maybe she does feel for me, but it seems a bit much at times. Sometimes G's approach of "what the fuck K, what are you messing around at...that's bull shit etc etc etc" helps. He is a real person and pretty much says what he thinks.

I still have plans and I have ordered some meds online. I have the plan of the river still and want to go ahead with that plan. It's getting colder now so I would think that the plan of the river would happen quite quickly.

I don't really want to go back to college. It hasn't helped that the person who is closest to my age has been very unsupportive. Has been rude and very unkind. I can't face another 7 months of that. I can't handle the work. And...if I am planning on ending my life it's no use to me anyway.I think the meds will come the middle of next week. I plan on trying to get to the river again tomorrow or Sunday. I just need to make sure the member of staff who is with me can't run. And, I wouldn't want to run from someone I like. I would feel bad about that. The weekend is usually bank staff who don't have a clue about anything.

I am not even sure how long I have been here now. It is either 6,7 or 8 weeks. I really don't know. It's weird though, in the past, I have known it is time to go when I get bored. I have not been bored. I am worried that is a sign that I should be here. I don't want to be. I want to be free to carry out my plan and not have interference.

Rahhhh!

My key worker thinks I will be in another 4 weeks if things go well. That's not the news I wanted to hear.

I am trying to distract myself. The thoughts are really intense. I am not sleeping properly, but that may be because I am pouching the quetiapine and just having a nibble out of it. It's enough so I am not getting full on withdrawal, but it does mean I am not sleeping the best. I am just biding my time and trying to appear as normal as possible. They'll let me go if I come across as sane and keep my mouth shut.

I have found the last couple of days that I haven't taken it I am not as hungry and not eating as much, so that is actually making me feel better about myself. Although, it also means I don't have the benefits of the drug. However, on the other hand, it's fun to OD on. I've got some saved up from not taking them. In a week or so, I will have enough to make me feel quite out of it, with that and the alcohol I get I will float nicely away to the end.

Behaviour

I feel every behaviour I have it put under scrutiny and it is just leading to a label as me being unstable. Take today. The nurse as soon as she saw me was telling me I needed to take my meds that moment, if I didn't I couldn't have a cigarette. I don't have my meds until 11. She was quite adamant as I hadn't taken them a couple of times when she was on last week, but, I have king of started a regime with them again. I don't take one of them, I hide that one and take a small bite out of it. I hate what it does to me. It dulls me. It sedates me too much. And, it makes me eat. I can't fill myself. I don't want to be like that when I have worked so hard to lose weight. I can't stop it completely as I really bad withdrawal effects from it.

Obviously I was quite angry with this nurse. They think I am taking all meds each night, and have been since Wednesday. So, I was pissed off that the first time she saw me she was up in my face. I got angry at her and told her how it had been for the last few nights and to ask the nurse she was going meds with as she has been on the last couple of nights. She soon calmed down. But I was pissed off. I then was muttering under my breath about how she is the only one who gets up all in my face about it making me anxious. She stormed out the med room having a go at me saying I was telling lies to the other patients and it wasn't fair on her. I was just muttering to myself about how I felt. I just said if that's what you think then fair enough but I wasn't. I have issues with this nurse. I get they want to check I am ok at night. I have asked them not to turn the light on, but I wedge the door so then can quietly pop and in make sure I am ok. She doesn't quietly pop in, she comes in all guns blazing and rips the covers from me. I can't sleep without the window open as it is suffocating in those rooms. The mattress is plastic as are the duvets and pillows so you can imagine you can get quite hot, so you need the window open to breath fresh air and so that I can sleep how I like...all snuggled up. It makes me feel a bit secure and less anxious. I am aware people need to look at me at night...I don't have the best history. But to come in so noisily and yank the blankets off me, it's as though she is doing it to make a point.

I've had a bad day today and have been very close to cutting and tying up to try and kill myself. I have managed the thoughts on my own.I hadn't acted on them, I came close and I had it planned. But I didn't. Then she comes on and all those thoughts just come back even stronger. I am not going to talk to her about it, because my early behaviour of shouting at her and getting angry will reinforce their theory that I am not stable.

I feel everything I do is just feeding in to their theory that I am not stable.
I don't think there is anything to do.
I don't know what I have to do to get out of here. I am taking my meds (mostly), I talk to staff, I do what they tell me to do. But, I have that thing there where I know I want to kill myself and I know how I will do it. I can't see that thought changing. I don't think I have low mood. So, it's not as though the judgement is based on that. It is something I have to do. I can't see the ward changing my views on this.

So, I don't know how I am going to get out of here. If I lie and I say I have changed my mind I don't think that they will believe me. I am adamant about this.

I've been hearing a voice that is telling me I need to work on getting away from here by forms of escape. That things won't change for me. That what I want to do is the right option. It's like someone has infiltrated my thoughts and they are projecting their thoughts in to my head. It's like an internal conversation and all I can say is I am trying. I am looking for misplaced keys, I am looking for a bank staff member to let me off the wall. Now the nights are dark at 5pm, I think I may find this easier. But, on the other hand, I need to wait until the majority of staff have left and all that is left is ward staff. So, it would need to be around 8pm. I know where I will run to and who I will call to come get me. I know where I will go to get alcohol, and I have been storing those meds which make me drowsy. The alcohol will stop me feeling the cold and the meds will make me relax. So even though the water is cold at night, I think I will be ok. This male voice is telling me how much of an inconvience I am to other people. That I am a horrible person for the things I done in the past.

I'm having some pretty intense dreams to where people who I have been close to who have died have been telling me they are waiting for me and to hurry up. With my own thoughts, that I am clear on, I know what I have in my mind is the right thing to do and it's what I need to do.