Rahhhh!

My key worker thinks I will be in another 4 weeks if things go well. That's not the news I wanted to hear.

I am trying to distract myself. The thoughts are really intense. I am not sleeping properly, but that may be because I am pouching the quetiapine and just having a nibble out of it. It's enough so I am not getting full on withdrawal, but it does mean I am not sleeping the best. I am just biding my time and trying to appear as normal as possible. They'll let me go if I come across as sane and keep my mouth shut.

I have found the last couple of days that I haven't taken it I am not as hungry and not eating as much, so that is actually making me feel better about myself. Although, it also means I don't have the benefits of the drug. However, on the other hand, it's fun to OD on. I've got some saved up from not taking them. In a week or so, I will have enough to make me feel quite out of it, with that and the alcohol I get I will float nicely away to the end.

Behaviour

I feel every behaviour I have it put under scrutiny and it is just leading to a label as me being unstable. Take today. The nurse as soon as she saw me was telling me I needed to take my meds that moment, if I didn't I couldn't have a cigarette. I don't have my meds until 11. She was quite adamant as I hadn't taken them a couple of times when she was on last week, but, I have king of started a regime with them again. I don't take one of them, I hide that one and take a small bite out of it. I hate what it does to me. It dulls me. It sedates me too much. And, it makes me eat. I can't fill myself. I don't want to be like that when I have worked so hard to lose weight. I can't stop it completely as I really bad withdrawal effects from it.

Obviously I was quite angry with this nurse. They think I am taking all meds each night, and have been since Wednesday. So, I was pissed off that the first time she saw me she was up in my face. I got angry at her and told her how it had been for the last few nights and to ask the nurse she was going meds with as she has been on the last couple of nights. She soon calmed down. But I was pissed off. I then was muttering under my breath about how she is the only one who gets up all in my face about it making me anxious. She stormed out the med room having a go at me saying I was telling lies to the other patients and it wasn't fair on her. I was just muttering to myself about how I felt. I just said if that's what you think then fair enough but I wasn't. I have issues with this nurse. I get they want to check I am ok at night. I have asked them not to turn the light on, but I wedge the door so then can quietly pop and in make sure I am ok. She doesn't quietly pop in, she comes in all guns blazing and rips the covers from me. I can't sleep without the window open as it is suffocating in those rooms. The mattress is plastic as are the duvets and pillows so you can imagine you can get quite hot, so you need the window open to breath fresh air and so that I can sleep how I like...all snuggled up. It makes me feel a bit secure and less anxious. I am aware people need to look at me at night...I don't have the best history. But to come in so noisily and yank the blankets off me, it's as though she is doing it to make a point.

I've had a bad day today and have been very close to cutting and tying up to try and kill myself. I have managed the thoughts on my own.I hadn't acted on them, I came close and I had it planned. But I didn't. Then she comes on and all those thoughts just come back even stronger. I am not going to talk to her about it, because my early behaviour of shouting at her and getting angry will reinforce their theory that I am not stable.

I feel everything I do is just feeding in to their theory that I am not stable.
I don't think there is anything to do.
I don't know what I have to do to get out of here. I am taking my meds (mostly), I talk to staff, I do what they tell me to do. But, I have that thing there where I know I want to kill myself and I know how I will do it. I can't see that thought changing. I don't think I have low mood. So, it's not as though the judgement is based on that. It is something I have to do. I can't see the ward changing my views on this.

So, I don't know how I am going to get out of here. If I lie and I say I have changed my mind I don't think that they will believe me. I am adamant about this.

I've been hearing a voice that is telling me I need to work on getting away from here by forms of escape. That things won't change for me. That what I want to do is the right option. It's like someone has infiltrated my thoughts and they are projecting their thoughts in to my head. It's like an internal conversation and all I can say is I am trying. I am looking for misplaced keys, I am looking for a bank staff member to let me off the wall. Now the nights are dark at 5pm, I think I may find this easier. But, on the other hand, I need to wait until the majority of staff have left and all that is left is ward staff. So, it would need to be around 8pm. I know where I will run to and who I will call to come get me. I know where I will go to get alcohol, and I have been storing those meds which make me drowsy. The alcohol will stop me feeling the cold and the meds will make me relax. So even though the water is cold at night, I think I will be ok. This male voice is telling me how much of an inconvience I am to other people. That I am a horrible person for the things I done in the past.

I'm having some pretty intense dreams to where people who I have been close to who have died have been telling me they are waiting for me and to hurry up. With my own thoughts, that I am clear on, I know what I have in my mind is the right thing to do and it's what I need to do.

Section 3

I've been put on a section 3. I don't really understand it. I have been told so many times that being in hospital is not beneficial to me. Yet, they put me on a section 3. I don't understand why.

I think I will be in for at least a couple of weeks. My doctor is off all next week and so I won't be reviewed again until the Tuesday at the earliest. My section 2 wasn't due to end until a week on Saturday. Seems wrong that it can be assessed so early in to the 2. I may look at legal support over this.

I am not sure what I am doing at the moment. I can't face the tribunal process. That would make me ill in itself.

Grrrr

I am so anxious. I am trying to distract myself. Not sure what to say. I can’t think in a coherent way, so not sure why I think I can write.

I don’t like what the medication does to me. I hate being on meds. I didn’t take it last night. I didn’t sleep. I figure the withdrawal will only be a couple of days, I can deal with that. Also means I can not eat too. I feel better knowing I have that under control. The medication makes me hungry. I want to eat all the time. I think some of it is boredom too, but, for today, I have that under control.

I told them I don’t want to see the doctor, I wouldn’t go in to see her. I don’t see the point in sitting there and being told I am wrong. I am clear about what I want. They know that. But, they don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to hear them telling me my thoughts are wrong. So, I figured I just wouldn’t go in. I am supposed to be seeing G tomorrow. I think I will tell them to cancel him. I don’t want to sit there while he gets pissed off at me and tell me I am wrong too. His time is better spent with someone who will benefit from it. 

I think they are trying to wind me up on purpose to make me flip. 

Still Feeling The Same

Still on a section 2. Not managed to run. Not been allowed to leave the ward in about 10days now. I feel as though I am in prison. I feel like a caged animal. Being in my room and suddenly the light going on and people peering through the window at me, watching me. I feel as though I am being punished because my thoughts don't conform with the majority.

I feel like a waste of space. I waste of air. Suppose so called friends who have "understanding don't help". I was saying to her I felt really guilty as all I am doing is sitting in a corner all day and watching stuff on netflix. That there are people on my college course who are really stressed out as it was hand in yesterday on a project that I have had to drop as I haven't been in the right frame of mind to work. Her reply was why haven't you done something while you are in hospital? I tried to explain to her that I lack the ability to read anything and produce a coherent sentence about it. All she said was that I sounded coherent to her. Being judged YET AGAIN!

They all do it. They all judge me. I think they think it's something I can snap out of. Something that I am wrong because I am here. That, well, not that they're jealous, but, somehow resent that I am not working full time, that I am here. That I am somehow weak and that I use this as some way of a reasoning for not being in work full time. I think they think I have it easy and that they wish they could "sit around all day doing nothing". I think I have said it before, but, I wish so much I was able to work full time. That I had been able to complete my social work training and be working as a social worker full time. That I had that 9-5 career. I'm sure they think that I should take just any job and if needs be move back with my parents and "suck it up". They all have their own shit. They don't have the luxury of falling a part as I have done. I am lucky.

I realised just now, only one of my "friends" has actually contacted me to see if I am ok. One of the girls texts me her usual trivial shit about her cats or something equally as inane. BUt, she has not once asked how things are. It has been me who volunteered. I get that I may have let them down in someway because I may have made plans. Or that they're busy But, it doesn't take 2 minutes to send a text to ask how things are.

Is it me. Am I being over sensitive. Am I over thinking and reading in to things wrong. Or, am I right in my thinking? Is it because this is my I don't know how many times now I've been in hospital that they don't actually care that much? If I was on a medical ward because of a medical illness, would things be different? If I had a medical illness that wiped me out as much as mental illness, would things be different?

On top of this, my brother hasn't contacted me once in the two weeks I have been here. And my Mum makes it seem as though I am inconvienience. That she is not sure she can find time in her such busy schedule to come see me and on the way stop at a shop to pick me up something for lunch or some tobacco.

I hate being reliant on people. I hate asking people to do things for me. One friend, ONE makes the effort to message me everyday. Asks how things are and asks me if I want her to do some shopping for me and drop it in for me. She'll go out of her way for me.

I get this sounds like "oh, poor me". But...I feel shit!

The Insignificance Of One

What is significant about life? I am one of billions of people, there were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why is there so much preciousness (I know that's not a word) put on life. And especially mine.

Why am I in hospital?

Why are they stopping me from doing what I want to do. Why am I being punished for realising the insignificance. I have clarity. Yet, it's as though they are wanting to shut me up.

 It's like something out of 1984. The Thought Police want to keep me quiet. They don't want me to put my views on to other people or to do what is right. I am being kept quiet. I am being made to stay here, a symbolic room 101 until I give in and come around to their way of thinking.

They will make me take their medication. They will make me see doctors/nurses/other "professionals" until I tell them that they are right and I am wrong.

What is the point in life. There were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why am I being kept here. Why? What is the significance of one. Life is nothing.

For now I will sit here biding my time. I will sit on my laptop and spend my time watching crap on Netflix, listening to music etc etc. But, the time will come. My time will come when I get to do what is right.

No Change

I am obsessed by the river at the moment. I don’t know why. All my thoughts seem to be how I can get out of the hospital and get to the river. I thought I may have been presented with an opportunity last night but that didn’t happen. A wound has reopened on my leg and it is quite deep. I didn’t re open it myself, but I suppose it is my own fault. I shaved my legs and it pulled some of the sutures out. So it reopened. I have to get it seen to but, I won’t be going to hospital as they need 2 members of staff to take me as of my flight risk. So, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Besides, I don’t want to go anywhere with a 2 member of staff escort. People stare. So, I would rather leave a hole in my leg than that.

I am always looking at my ways of escape from the ward. I have a review with the doc later, I am hoping she may give me some leave and if she does I can escape then. If not, I have positioned a chair near the fence outside, I think I could probably hop the fence if needs be. I will have to wait until it is dark though.

I am not sure if being in hospital is making things worse for me. I feel anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know why I am here. OK, I know being suicidal is probably the case, but, I have been suicidal before and haven’t been sectioned. I don’t understand what is different this time. I am seeing G tomorrow. I am feeling quite apprehensive about it. It will be the first time I have seen him since that night he was at my flat and I was assessed. I can’t remember what I had said to him or what really happened. I am not sure if he will fill me in or not. I may try get access to my notes to see what happened. But then on the other hand, I am not sure if I want to see any of G’s notes.

So the section 2 still stands and I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I have no idea how long I am likely to be here for. I have a feeling it’s going to be a while. It worries me with G thinking I needed to be in too. If he still thinks that, then I am screwed as he is the person who knows me the best. 

Another Section 2

I am not sure how it happened. I have no recollection of the assessment and no memory of getting here. But, a week ago I ended up on another section 2. I was supposed to see G last Friday, but I cancelled as I didn't think it would be helpful as I couldn't put any order to my thoughts. But then, at around 6pm last Friday night there was a knock at my door and G was standing there. I think my words were "what the fuck are you doing here"? I vaguely remember him saying he was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok and him saying they were coming to do an assessment that evening. But, I can't remember anything else.

The last week has been awful. I don't really know what is going on. I have ran off twice and ended up in the local river twice. It has become something of an obsession. I am putting on an act. I am ok, I am ok, I am ok. If I say it enough to them they may believe me. Hey, if I say it enough, I may believe it myself. Like in this song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0ecA5ez6is

I feel like I am high. But, I have the negative thoughts. I feel really weird. I have never felt like this before.