Holding On

I've not posted in a while as I was writing a thought journal and I couldn't be bothered to duplicate it. But, I haven't posted in a while and I felt as though I needed to get something down on here as I use this to look back on over time and to see where I was at a certain point.

Today is Easter Sunday. It's the first Easter since 2009 that I have spent it with family. In 2010 I travelled to SE Asia. Then 2011, I was in hospital with a broken ankle, 2012, I was in psychiatric hospital on the PICU, last year I was in intensive care on a ventilator breathing for me as I was so ill from the OD. Not that I am bothered by Easter, I don't celebrate it, we never have really. I got dragged to church as a kid, but since my Nan died nearly, 15 years ago, I haven't been to mass at all. So here I am sitting in my flat, waiting for my camera to charge so I can get a load of stuff on eBay to make some extra money for my big trip in a few weeks. Bit of a difference isn't there.

I suppose it's positive isn't it? I am not sure if I am well. But, I am not in hospital. I am managing by myself and don't require hospitalisation.

I have had quite a bit going off the last few weeks. My Mother's drinking has been bad again. It makes me really angry. And it worries me. And selfishly, I am worried about what the situation is doing to me and how it is mentally affecting me.

A couple of weeks back, one Thursday night I was just about to get in to bed and my phone pinged. My Dad had uploaded a picture on Facebook of the lounge that was trashed, that my Mum had done in a drunken state. I called him straight away having a massive go at him. He can't upload things like that to Facebook. He said he was really angry and maybe she would learn. I told him publicly airing our dirty laundry is not the way to go about it. I told him to delete it but he wouldn't. So I hacked his facebook and I deleted it. We have mutual friends and I don't want them seeing that. I don't want my family problems aired on Facebook. I was fuming. He called me back saying he was at his wits end and she was upsetting him as she was trashing stuff in the house because she was drunk. I told him to call the police and he said that they wouldn't do anything and it hadn't made any difference in the past. He called them once before and she was taken to the cells for a while until my brother made me drive down there with him and got her out and took her back to his for the night. I was really angry at that too. I told my Dad if he keeps doing it, she will eventually learn. Surly, there are only so many times you can wake up in a police cell before you think things have to change. It worked for me. Not waking up in a cell, but waking up in hospital, or waking up at home with the police banging on my door as they were concerned for my welfare.

Ok, it did happen a couple of weeks back. I woke up in hospital. I admit I was stupid. I didn't do anything. I wasn't on a mission to get drunk at all. But, I was putting them away as I was out with my brother and I didn't realise how much I had had. I got home and in some rational thinking I knew I needed help as I was so drunk. I think I must have been lying in bed and had been a bit sick on myself and realised that if I fell asleep I would be at risk of choking on my own vomit. The stupid thing I did was to go for a walk. I should have just gone and sat in the bathroom with my head in the toilet so at least if I was sick I wouldn't have choked. But, I went for a walk and ended up in hospital. I can't remember much. Just I woke up with a drip in and in a gown. They told me I was projectile vomiting and they put a NPA in to protect my airway and had to cut my dress off as I was caked. Not my finest moment. Not at all. I am so embarrassed. I don't really drink that much anymore so, when I did have some it affected me so much more than it would have done if I regularly drank. But, that is no excuse for my behaviour. I should have stopped drinking earlier and didn't.

Anyway, I think there is only so many times you can wake up in a police cell before you click that something needs to change.

The next day, I went round to my parents as I had the kids and they were staying there over night. While on my own with my Dad he was stating that he was not going to stand for it anymore and that if it happened again he would divorce her etc. So that kicks in my child side getting worried and not wanting that. And getting really worried about how it will affect me. Last time it all happened I didn't cope well at all and ended up sectioned. I know I don't have to live with either of them, but I still know what is going on. Not the full extent of it. I only know a little. But because I know I don't know all of it, I know it's much worse than I actually know. But, anyway, I told my Dad I wasn't really happy about them having the kids stay if she was like that. He said not to worry as it has never happened when the kids have stayed and they don't drink that much. So, I let it lie a bit. But, then we went out for dinner all together. And they ordered a bottle of wine between 3 of them. Not much, but we had finished dinner, the kids were knackered and they wanted to order another bottle. I got really angry saying it wasn't fair on the kids as they are young and can't expect them to just sit there while you all have another bottle of wine. They needed to go home and get to bed. So, we all pile in to the car and then my Dad sends my Mum in to the shop for more wine. So, I had a right go at him asking him what he was playing at. Only the night before she had been kicking off and here he was encouraging her to drink more. His reply was really selfish, along the lines of that he wanted a drink so why should he have to go without as she can't control it. I was fuming. I dropped them all off and went over to my friend's for a rant at her.

So, I went to see G on the Monday and ranted the whole thing at him. Talking non stop really angrily about it. Then he said something that got me. He said there was safeguarding issues with the kids staying there. That if that is occurring they shouldn't be staying. I get that, I don't think it has happened while they have been there. I asked the eldest the other day if he ever heard them shouting at each other or if he ever got scared while staying there and he said no he liked it. And he would tell me if there was anything as we are really close and he knows he can tell me anything. So, I don't think anything has happened. But G has said I need to speak to my brothers about it and let them know the extent of things so they can make their own minds up and the one with my nephews can decide whether or not they stay there. G said if I don't say anything he will have to make it more official and get social services involved for an assessment etc. Obviously that would be awful. The worst thing that could happen.

But, the whole situation is a massive stress for me. I am worried about what to say. Worried if I down play it it will get ignored and it will be me being over sensitive etc, but if I get it wrong it will be seen as an attack on their parenting. Because, I know they have been drunk and had massive arguments when the kids have been in the house.

I want to run away from the whole situation. But I can't, because the ramifications of that would be worse. I know I need to say something. My friend said I don't need to say I have my concerns about the kids staying there, but basically just to let them both know, that her drinking isn't just it, it's her reactions after she has had a drink. Then if they are fully informed, he can make his own mind up about the kids being there. I am worried G will intervene anyway. I didn't exactly get a clear outline from him about what needed to be said.

We are all getting together for lunch today. I won't be drinking and I can escape after a while. But, I think I will use today as a spring board as a launch in to the conversation. Just saying that I am really worried about how much she is drinking and it's not just that she is getting drunk but she gets aggressive and I have known that she has caused damage etc.

The whole situation is causing me so much worry at the moment. I feel that I am only just holding on. I am really anxious about it. I wish I could just run away from it all. But that wouldn't solve anything would it?

I have the big walk coming up in a couple of weeks. It is such a huge thing for me and I am worried about how my Mum is going to be if she drinks. I don't want to drink as there is no way I can walk 15 miles a day if I have had a drink the night before. I did 15 miles on Friday. The walk was a lot tougher than what we will be doing in Scotland, but I ache so much 2 days later. I can barely move without being in pain. Everything hurts. So, no way can I do it if I have had a drink.

So, I suppose I will have to see how that one pans out.

I've not seen G for a couple of weeks as he is on annual leave. I will only be seeing him once in the next few weeks. Then, at the beginning of June I think we will go back to weekly meetings. But, I am not sure how long that will last for. It was a year ago and we said we would give it a year and see how things are. I know he can't be my psychologist forever. I have been seeing him nearly two and a half years now. I am scared I can't do it without him. I know I rely on him too much. I suppose I will have to wait and see.

Adult Content

After someone complaining that they were triggered by my post that I was going for a walk, I have decided to put an adult warning on the blog. That basically, before you proceed a warning comes up saying that there is adult content so proceed with caution.

Personally I can't see how my post about walking the west highland way would make a person suicidal and then say if they try anything they will blame me. That's nice. Especially when, in the same forum/group there are people openly saying that they are suicidal, want to cut etc etc etc. You have to open my page to read it.

But anyway. Someone found it triggering, which I am sorry they found it triggering. So hence the new warning.

I have got quite a lot to write about, but, I have written in a thought diary as things have progressed this week. I need to transfer it to here so I have a more flowing account of what has been going on. I use this to look back on things how they were a year, 2 years, 3 years ago. To see how things have changed. So I like to have everything in it.

Why This Is Important To Me...

A year ago, I was on the High Dependency Unit on a medical ward. I had been on there a day after being released from the Intensive Care Unit after a week in a coma on a ventilator. I had taken a huge OD, which very nearly killed me. I was reliant on the ventilator to breathe for me. I was pretty ill.

Even now, a year later. I still suffer the effects from it. It has damaged my voice. Speech therapy hasn't really worked and they think that there could be some damage that they have missed. I also have nightmares about when I was brought round and they took the ventilator out and then having to have a mask on my face that forced air in to my lungs as I was still not breathing properly. It was horrendous. I never want to go back to that place again.

OK, the last year has not been easy. Yes, there have been ODs. There has been serious self harm. Well, I don't class it as serious. But they do. I have been in hospital twice this year already. But, I think I am improving. I have started to accept things. I have started to have a more structured approach to the therapy. I have been more open. I have been less stubborn. I have been proactive and said I need hospital. I know I have got to that stage where I know I need extra help and I can't manage on my own.

I would like to think I have made some huge positive changes in the last year.

Also in the last year I have changed who I am physically. I have have lost nearly 3 and a half stone. I still have a couple to go. But I am a different person now. I have started eating healthily. I exercise. I have started walking. Hill walking. And I actually really enjoy it. I love getting up high and getting some really nice views.

I have found new things in the last year that I enjoy doing.

So, I set my self a challenge. Originally it was going to be climbing Snowdon. The highest mountain in Wales. But, as I got fitter I thought I needed to make it a bit harder. When my Dad first suggested the West Highland way, I thought it was way out of my capabilities. It's 150KM long. But as time went on, I thought why not? We are going to be walking this in 8 days. A year ago I didn't exercise at all. It's only been since October time last year that I regularly started exercising. So for me going from nothing, to within a few months walking a long distance route through the Scottish Highlands is going to be a massive achievement. And not just this, but tagging Ben Nevis on to the end of it. The highest mountain in Britain.

I am putting my mind to something. For the first time in nearly three years I have set out to do something and am actually close to completing it. Considering where I have been in the last three years, and what I have gone through. This is a major achievement for me.

I am raising money for a local charity to me. It supports young people with a ride range of problems. It provides free contraception, healthcare advice, parenting advice, housing advice, meals to those who are homeless, and counselling. They don't charge the young people for this service and they rely entirely on contributions. There are not many services in my area that provide counselling that don't charge. It's hard to get services on the NHS. I am a firm believer in prevention is better than a cure. And also, that problems should be dealt with if possible at a young age. This can hopefully lead to the person being more able to cope with further problems in the future. And ultimately, them being a happier well rounded person. That will require less input in the future as they have managed to get the help they needed before problems have time to escalate. Perhaps if I had been given the support I needed when I was in my early 20's, things wouldn't have escalated to where they have now.

So please, show me your support. If you can spare a couple of pounds, please can you text KMOR84 £(your amount) to 70070.

If you want to know more information about me or the charity, or the walk. Please get in contact with me on facebook. Kat Moss or email goldenpsych@gmail.com.

Thanks.

Can you Help?

Can you help me?

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I was going to walk the West Highland Way. I was re reading my blog from a year ago, and wow, how things have changed. I wrote about how I couldn't stop eating, how I had no confidence to go to the gym etc etc etc. Setting myself a challenge has meant that I have lost over 3 stone so far. And, I have got a lot fitter.

The charity I am raising money for supports young people in my home city. It helps them with things like housing advice, warm meals, skill building, contraception advice, health advice and counselling support. I am a strong believer that prevention is better than a cure. Please help support young people. I feel if it was picked up on earlier that I had problems they wouldn't have developed to how they are now.

Please can you help me raise money for this amazing charity. Show your support to me by donating some money. Help motivate me. Seeing that total rise inspires me to work harder. To better myself.

So please donate by texting KMOR84 £(your amount) to 70070.

Or if you want to look at my website please contact me on Facebook and I will PM you the link.

Cheers.

xxxx

The Last Week.

I did something I shouldn't have done the other day. I picked up my Mum's phone when she wasn't in. I wanted to look at the type of messages she drunkenly sends my Dad. Only the night before she had been sending messages. I read a couple, but I had to stop. It was horrible. Really having a go at him about anything and everything. Mostly about the woman he was seeing while but also saying how my brothers and I didn't love him and really horrible things. It really bothered me. It was horrible stuff. No wonder why my Dad has been moody if he is getting messages like that. I think it happens a few nights a week.

I get my Mum moaning at me that he is in a mood and not nice to be around. No wonder, she is sending messages like that a few nights a week. Of course he's going to be in a mood. But, the because he's in a mood and difficult to be around, she again gets wound up and starts sending drunken messages again. It's so frustrating.

We all went out on Sunday for mother's day. I was constantly on edge being with both of them while they were drinking. They were getting more drunk and both saying things and acting in ways that I knew that it was going to get bitter. It really gets to me.

I saw G yesterday. I had written some things down to start thinking about this letter he wants me to write. Most of it is directed at my Mum. I explained to him I understood why my Dad had been like he has been. And why, things are like they are now. He had a shocking upbringing. He was neglected and treated like shit. It's only been the last year or so how I have learnt more about what he went through as a child. Things like being locked in the kitchen all day when he was 6 years old while his mother was out all day. Being left on his own at around 10 while she went on holiday for a week. And just general neglect. She was horrible. Also, his father never accepted him as his own. He didn't know that his Dad was his Dad until he was about 14. He was lead to believe another man was. It's horrible.

I was explaining to G that I had always discounted childhood. It had only been the last few months that I was learning to accept what happened in my childhood has impacted how I am now. But having realised that, I look at the things I do know about my Dad's and it's more forgivable for how he has been.

I find my Mum's behaviour less forgivable. I can't see any reason for it. She's just bitter. She's doing nothing for herself.

We also talked about my Nan. My friends Nanny died on Sunday. I found it quite hard as brought back memories of when she was ill and in hospital and that time she died. It was awful. I was getting these images of when she was in hospital and of running off when it all started to happen.

I said I found it quite strange that I still felt the emotions so intense about it as it was half of my life ago. This year I have been alive for longer without her than I have with. Yet, the emotions at times are so intense still. Raw, like it was at the time.

G's theory for this is that I suppress my emotions. It's something I do with all negative emotions, I don't let myself feel. So, this means that things are raw still because I have never dealt with them. It is something that I do most the time. If I start to get upset about something I distract myself, I make sure I start doing something else. One of my early memories is being embarrassed to cry in front of people. I remember being 7 and being told my Dog had died and holding back my emotions until I was alone in bed that night. Only then I would let myself cry. I see now why I was like I was. My nephews are 5 and 3. If they cry in public they belittle them. Say things like look at that baby, people are looking at that baby crying etc etc etc. From a really young age I had it drilled in to me that you didn't do crying. That people didn't see your emotions because they were something to be embarrassed of. Which is why I still won't really cry in front of other people. I force it back. I do what I can to avoid crying in front of other people.

My task for this week is to keep a thought diary. He wants me to keep track of what my predominant thoughts of the day are.